Raise Happy Children

One of the most frequent comments I get from parents is, "I just want my kid to be happy." Though an admirable and common objective, happiness is one of the most neglected family values in 21st century America. Few parents grasp the essential meaning of happiness for their children and fewer still understand how they can help their children to find it.

Parents' efforts at helping their children gain happiness are undermined by the distorted messages that popular culture communicates to parents about happiness -- that happiness can be found in wealth, celebrity, power and physical attractiveness. Yet research and anecdotal accounts of people who have these attributes show that pursuit of these "false idols" can actually cause unhappiness.

By understanding how happiness develops, you can help your children find true happiness. The real causes of happiness are all within your children's control, so they can actively do things that foster their own happiness.

Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is a powerful contributor to happiness. Self-esteem gives children a sense of security from which they can engage the world, which enables them to approach life with confidence. Self-esteem also offers children a strong sense of competence, in which they view themselves as able people who can master important aspects of their lives. This faith in their abilities facilitates success, which can cultivate happiness. It also reduces worry and anxiety, which can cause unhappiness.

Positive Attitude

We've all seen children who just have a great attitude about things. They're positive, optimistic and hopeful. They see a world filled with sunlight and warmth rather than clouds and cold. These children tend to be happy because they see the "glass half-full," meaning they expect good things to happen to them. Children with positive attitudes are also more likely to express gratitude. Children who appreciate the opportunities they're given and convey genuine gratitude to those who help them have been found to be happy people.

Passion

Another essential contributor to your children's happiness is a passion for something in their lives, be it writing, soccer, the piano, or another avenue. Passionate children are happy children because there is something in their lives that they absolutely love to do. Children's passions engage, absorb and thrill them, as with the reader who savors every word of the books she reads, or the cellist who listens to Yo Yo Ma for hours on end. Just being involved in any way in the activities for which they have a passion makes them happy.

Popular culture doesn't want your children to be passionate about meaningful activities in their lives. It wants your children to connect to things that will never bring your children happiness, but will make it more money, for example, video games and shopping. Parents exacerbate this dependence by choosing the expedient route for entertaining their children --handing them over to popular culture -- rather than finding activities that engage their children, and from which they might find a passion.

Balance

The unhappiest children I work with are those who lead unbalanced lives. They spend most of their time in one activity and their self-esteem is based largely on how they do in that activity. The problem with devotion to one activity is that things will not always go well, there will be times when children have setbacks and failures, and they will experience boredom, disenchantment and frustration. If the one activity is all that your children have to feel good about themselves, you are at risk for unhappiness.

Popular culture wants your children to be imbalanced. Children see young stars, like the soccer player, Freddie Abdu, or the actress, Hilary Duff, and are told by popular culture that they must sacrifice balance and, for example, join "all-star" traveling sports teams or take piano or dance classes five days a week to become superstars. Children who are out of balance are at risk of falling over -- metaphorically -- and being very unhappy.

Balanced children derive happiness from many outlets, such as sports, involvement in spiritual or cultural activities or reading. Children who have balance in their lives will still have experiences where things don't go well. However, because their self-esteem is not based solely on one activity and other parts of their lives bring them happiness, they're still able to maintain their happiness.

Be a Human Being

Popular culture doesn't want your children to be human beings. Instead, it wants to create "human consumings" whose primary purpose in life is to spend and acquire. Human consumings buy, buy and buy in the mistaken belief that it will bring them happiness. You can observe ravenous young human consumings every day in the malls, buying clothes and shoes "they absolutely must have!"

Happy children are human beings, not human consumings. Being involves children finding happiness not in things, but in experiences, relationships and activities that offer meaning, satisfaction and joy. The ability to just be grounds happy children in who they are rather than what they own, and gives them control over what brings them happiness.

Relationships

One of the most robust findings in the research on happiness is that people who have strong relationships tend to be the happiest people. The opportunity to give and receive love, friendship and support from family, friends, schoolmates and others is essential to happiness. Positive feedback from others -- love, respect and encouragement -- is the most readily available source of happiness. Social relationships may also reduce stress, increase feelings of security, and generate other positive emotions, all of which are conducive to happiness.

Popular culture doesn't want your children to have healthy relationships. It preys on isolated and lonely children who are desperate for any kind of connection with others. Children who have good relationships have less of a need for attention, stimulation, and acceptance. They're less vulnerable to appeals from popular culture that may make them feel important or popular.

Giving to Others

We often look for happiness in the wrong places. We're preoccupied with looking inside ourselves to find happiness with psychotherapy, meditation, and self-help books to uncover our internal obstacles to happiness. Or people look for happiness outside of themselves in the form of consumerism, drug and alcohol use, and other forms of gratification. But happiness can't be found down either of those roads.

Your children will ultimately find happiness outside of themselves by giving of themselves to others. There is something profoundly nourishing about putting others' needs ahead of our own and helping others find happiness. Giving to others somehow touches us in a very deep way and provides a feeling of meaning, satisfaction and joy that can't be found elsewhere. In putting their own needs aside to help others, children's own deepest needs are met.

 

 

 

Follow Dr. Jim Taylor on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DrJimTaylor

Comments

[Last Gasp]

03:48 PM on 03/30/2011

if you eat junk food while pregnant the child will be underdeveloped and never be happy.

macaroni and cheese, ice cream, white bread, sweets, anything with a label basically.

[gallimaufry03]

01:44 PM on 03/29/2011

I grew up in the late 60s/early 70s. A lot of my friends went to Disneyland during summer breaks. I remember asking my mother if we could go and she rolled her eyes and said something along the lines of "God no." Once I was old enough to understand, she explained to me her theory on Disneyland and other such "family destinations." It was simply this: you go there and you get entertained. Rather than going somewhere and learning how to entertain yourself.

All our family vacations were to places where my brother and I had to DO something - hunt for quartz at Quartz Mountains, get a canoe and go paddling, put a worm on a hook - you get the picture. I LOVED those holidays and love them more looking back.

The most compelling part of this article was the part about how popculture wants our kids to be "human consumers." I could NOT agree more! My daughter has not been to dworld and now has no desire to go. Instead, she wants to see St. Basil's Cathedral and the Great Wall and the Eiffel Tower. She also wants to pitch a tent and hook a fish and swim in a lake.

"Human consumer." Thanks for the affirmation that I'm making the right choices. Good article.

[onionboy]

04:24 PM on 03/28/2011

I don't want to raise children. I want to raise adults. There are already plenty of 18-90 year old children in the world.

[gallimaufry03]

01:50 PM on 03/29/2011

Agreed. Not one adult friend of mine with kids makes their kids do daily or even weekly chores. The older kids get an allowance but with no expectation of contributing to the family, the household, etc.

I think this does the kids a huge disservice. If we are taught, as children, that we don't have to be responsible even to the people most important in our lives, then when do we learn that lesson? Or do we learn it at all?

If we are taught, as children, that someone will come along and DO for us, when do we learn work ethic? When do we learn personal accountability.

I decided ages ago that if my daughter were old enought to bring a toy out, she was old enough to put it back. She went through a phase (around 7 years old) when she would do nothing around the house without whining about it. But by 9 she understood that she's PART of a FAMILY and that family helps family.

These kids are going to have to compete for jobs. These kids are going to live in a world that we can't really foresee. These kids are going to have to WORK. If they don't learn that as children, they will suffer as adults (as will we all as a society).

Peace to you.

[Dr. Jim Taylor]

11:02 PM on 03/27/2011

Thanks to all for the lively comments, ideas, and conversations (sorry for not participating, but I've traveling and unable to keep up).

Given that self-esteem is a central issue in the comments, I wanted to share a post I wrote some time ago (actually it's from my Prime Family Alert! e-newsletter) that expresses some of my views on self-esteem:

http://drjimtaylor.com/blog/2007/05/parenting-the-sad-misuse-of-self-esteem/

[Susan Shaffer]

02:27 PM on 03/27/2011

people have it wrong
happiness is a byproduct not a product
meaning you get happiness as a result of doing other things eg i go fishing to catch fish and i enjoy the quiet time and maybe i get lucky and catch a fish.
my kids get happiness from going to the park and playing on the equipment. the park and the equipment is the target but happiness is the byproduct from engaging with the equipment

[TheLibraryOfCodex]

02:14 PM on 03/27/2011

I'm raising a ninja child.

She's now a deadly weapon.

[gallimaufry03]

01:50 PM on 03/29/2011

"She killed 'em with mathematics. What else could it have been?"

[Lawson Meadows]

02:10 AM on 03/27/2011

Dr. Taylor,

To me, what defines us humans is the ability to be connected. The concepts of human beings, humans being, and being human are all the same. To be human is to be connected to other humans; your idea of giving to others is certainly one of the top connector activities.

I would think, about the most important parental job is to help and guide each child to discover passions in their life, then support and encourage their pursuit. Parental influence, even when subtle, can be effective as a rudder, guiding children to develop behaviors in the form of skills, habits, and attitudes regarding their preferences in life.

I believe your observation is spot on regarding popular culture (parents, media, schools, ad men, and even peers) encouraging children to learn skills that will support monetary gain, often in opposition to a gain in satisfaction… and therefore happiness. That “pressure” is understandable in that poverty does have deleterious effects on the variety of choices available, but what is too often forgotten are the desired qualities that make a fulfilled life, rather than just a busy one.

Regarding self-esteem and related self’s - I always thought a response to a child’s efforts and accomplishments, rather than, “I am so proud of you!” should be, “You should be proud of yourself!” It seems better to direct the focus of their valuation on themselves, rather than on an external source.

Enjoyed the article!
Lawson Meadows

[BannedInBoston]

01:52 AM on 03/27/2011

I want to raise intelligent children who would never even consider voting Republican....

[Susan Shaffer]

02:29 PM on 03/27/2011

my experience of human nature is that a lot of kids grow up determined to be nothing like their parents and in fact become similar to the grandparents.

[BannedInBoston]

03:54 PM on 03/27/2011

Definitely true in my case. My son is a staunch political conservative and my first W and I are both "flaming liberals" (in his view, anyway). True about the grandparents too, at least on my side. Both my parents were staunch Republicans....

[kandem]

07:07 PM on 03/26/2011

The thing about self-esteem, which as a general principle I have no problem with, is that we as a society tend to teach self-esteem with out a healthy dose of realism. My daughter, age 5, already knows that when she tries hard and succeeds, she feels good. She also knows that when everyone gets a trophy, it means less.

[recless]

03:47 AM on 03/27/2011

As I remember, in the WWII generation 12% of people said they were "very important" people, and in the 90's it was in the 80% range. This emphasis on happiness is nonsense. Children go through hard times and good, that's how they learn to be adults. It isn't that kids should be miserable, but the accomplishments of the current generation don't even compare to the WWII bunch. It is wrong to reward a child for failure, laziness, or anything else that will hurt them as adults.

[kandem]

01:31 PM on 03/27/2011

Exactly. True self-esteem comes from a sense of accomplishment, not a false sense of reward. And, in the long run, the latter does more harm than good.

[Susan Shaffer]

02:34 PM on 03/27/2011

my brother is 9 years older than me. when i was about 18 he said "one day you realise you are not going to set the world on fire" I was too immature to engage him in discussion of his revelation but the comment stuck with me.
what i noticed when i reached my late 20's i discovered that dealing with this same issue that my brother broached generated a variety of results in people
1. some people decided on further study
2. some people simply lied about what they did. eg a friend would meet guys and tell such woppers about what she did for a job. I asked her why? how many dates can you go on till the guy finds out that you were not telling the truth, by which time you might decide that he is someone you genuinely like.
3. some people accept "defeat" and get married to the first person that comes along
4. you will also notice that people "clubbing" also start to peter out about this age.

[llisa]

06:54 PM on 03/26/2011

A note on self-esteem: You cannot give a child self-esteem. He has to earn it. And he knows when he hasn't. And he knows fake praise when he hears it.

I saw a lot of kids earn self-esteem through helping others. I led a youth service club for over 20 years, and the kids got to decide on projects and plan and execute those projects.

The kids could see the difference they made in the lives of others (when we hosted parties for mentally handicapped adults or made crafts and chatted with the residents of our adopted nursing home), and in the environment (when we planted trees and flowers and cleaned up parks). The kids took pride in their contributions and had a right to.

We had several kids in the group who were not high achievers in school, not popular, not likely to receive much praise at home. . . but they were stand outs in this group.

I think you need to let a child find something he is good at and enjoys doing, and let him know you are proud of him for his accomplishments. And I think you need to encourage that child to do volunteer work of some kind, and praise him for that.

We are all good at SOMEthing, and we can all do something to help others.

[jumbotron16]

10:14 PM on 03/26/2011

I agree that what you described is important, but I believe that a large part of a child's self-esteem comes from knowing that his parents love him, care about him, and believe in him. If you don't have that as a child, it can be difficult to move past it as an adult.

[llisa]

11:56 PM on 03/26/2011

Well, um, yeah.

Obviously, my post was not an all-inclusive manual on raising happy and healthy children.

[recless]

03:48 AM on 03/27/2011

The emphasis on love is misguided. Really, kids need the security of a safe place to call home. Take a look at all the orphans who have succeeded in life.

[Lawson Meadows]

01:26 AM on 03/27/2011

llias,


Your history of working with kids at risk is certainly to be commended, and your comment is of course correct in that you cannot give self-esteem, or any of the "selfs," to children.

However, I was wondering if it would not be beneficial to stress to children that they should be proud of themselves rather than expressing, as an authority figure, your being proud of their efforts and accomplishments, in that there may be a tendency for them to develop a need or dependency on external opinion and approval as a precursor to their own opinion of themselves.

I thought self-esteem was your opinion of you, and that self-respect was your opinion of your actions and accomplishments, so that self-esteem would be build on a base of self-respect which was build on the recognition of your efforts.

I would like to hear your opinion of the relationship between the two self’s, if you have time.

Respectfully,
Lawson Meadows

[llisa]

11:19 AM on 03/27/2011

I guess I'm not sure what you are asking. We let our own children know that we loved them unconditionally. But they also knew that we were proud of them for trying. One was dyslexic and had a couple of rough years while we worked on different ways of learning. Her SELF-esteem hit rock bottom during this time. But you cannot give a child self-esteem, even for praising progress, and she was no exception. We continued to work on reading and spelling, but made sure that she participated in other things she was good at and was proud of herself for.

As for the youth club kids, I had 12-25 (it varied through the years) twice a month for a couple of hours on a Saturday with one other adult helper. We stressed doing things to help others. Sorry, I did not tell the kid skateboarding in the nursing home parking lot that I was proud of him. I told the kid who slowly handed the blind man beads to glue on his Easter basket that I was proud of him, as I did the girl who patiently listened to a long story told by a resident.

Yes, self esteem is from self-respect, and you have to be honest with yourself. Kids are usually brutally honest with themselves. That's why we gave them lots of chances to earn their own respect. (The skateboarder came in and played piano for the residents and earned respect.)

[Adewale Ajadi]

06:24 PM on 03/26/2011

This is a powerful and timely reminder for me as a parent of the truly valuable things for my boys.

[mitzvah]

06:13 PM on 03/26/2011

This article has really reminded my son of things that are really important in life that I've been telling him through the years. Thank You!

[sophiemaki]

03:17 PM on 03/26/2011

Don't spoil them.
teach them about the wonder of nature., and songs
also the wrath of nature.
teach them about life.
Balance. Peace and love . .......always songs!

[gallimaufry03]

01:55 PM on 03/29/2011

Good list. I'd add ...
teach them why some nights it's okay to have ice cream for supper
dance with them in front of their friends if only to make their friends laugh at you
let them help make decisions that impact their lives - like which school to go to and why voting republican causes such havoc
make them spend time with really young people and really old people so they see that life isn't static
tell them you weren't a perfect student and you know what getting a 50 feels like
i could go on but i won't
peace and love and chocolate

[Maria Berggren]

02:59 PM on 03/26/2011

Actually, in many spiritual traditions, meditation is a powerful way of giving of yourself to others.