Lindsey, Paris and Britney: It's All Your Mother's Fault!

Jamie Lee Curtis recently wrote in the Huffington Post that the problems with Paris, and, presumably, Britney and Lindsay, can be explained by bad mothering. According to the numerous posts about her article, most people found her analysis spot on. I could see why: Paris's mother laughed at the judge when he handed down her sentence and, apparently, Lindsay's mom partied with her while she was still a minor. This wouldn't qualify as good parenting in anyone's book.

But blaming mothers is a relatively recent event in our history. Prior to the industrial revolution, fathers, not mothers were the presumed shepherds of children's character and morality. They were also the ones most likely to get custody in the case of divorce. Back then, gossips would have looked at Lindsay's father who was a drug addict, a convict, and an absentee dad and concluded that dad, not mom, was the one who led her into depravity.

Both analyses have it only partially right. We now know that while parents are important in determining child outcomes, they're hardly the only drivers. Genetics, socioeconomics, peer group, and other adults also matter quite a bit in shaping a child's long-term behavior. As a culture, we need to move past blaming mothers and fathers for all of their grown children's problems. The reality is that good parenting doesn't always breed good behavior in children of any age, especially adult children. This is not only true for the rich and glamorous but for the poor and downtrodden. Does Jamie Lee and others who bash mothers in the media assume that every inner city kid who joins a gang has a neglectful Mom at home? Studies show that from a relatively young age, the peer group slowly but steadily supplants parental influence with the lure of friendship, popularity, and later-sex, drugs, and power. In addition, today's children are more able than ever to develop separate worlds, free from parental supervision and influence.

While wealthy parents can at least try to get their kids on the right track with wilderness programs, expensive rehabs, highly trained psychiatrists, learning specialists, tutors, and therapists, parents in poor neighborhoods often have to watch in horror as their children get pulled into drugs, crime, and gangs. The peer group is so important that moving a poor kid into a rich neighborhood with motivated peers greatly increases that child's desire and ability to do better, and moving a rich kid into a poor neighborhood puts that child at greater risk for failure. Here, the parents are important not so much for their parenting, but for their ability or inability to surround their children with motivated playmates.

Jamie Lee wrote, "I hope their mothers are worried sick and wondering, 'What could I have done differently?'" JL assumes that if she's loving and sets limits with her own kids, all will be well with them. I hope she's right. But life doesn't always work out that way for parents. Many parents are dedicated, loving, and disciplined and their children still grow up and have problems with alcohol, drugs, money, and relationships. Some of these children then blame the parent, cut them off, and cut them off from their grandchildren.

It's a risky business to toss stones at other parents' glass houses, as reassured as it makes us feel about our own behavior as parents. Parents matter and they matter quite a bit in how their kids turn out. However, just like everything else in life--there's a lot of luck involved as well.