Stepmothering: What You Need to Know

Being a stepmother is hard, and often, thankless work. While some stepmothers are able to establish close and comfortable relationships, many struggle with the role. In addition, children are typically more tolerant and accepting of stepfathers than stepmothers. Here are some important reasons why stepmothering can be such a struggle:

1) Loyalty Factor: Children often have intense feelings of loyalty to their mothers after divorce. Professor Linda Nielsen, author of an excellent book titled, Embracing Your Father: How to Build the Relationship with Your Dad that You Always Wanted conducted a 15-year study of daughters in college. She found that most college-educated daughters discriminate against Dad when it comes to giving him the same chance they give their Moms to get to know one another, to talk about personal matters, to have meaningful conversations or to allow him to express sadness or grief. Dad is still more likely than Mom to be treated as a critical judge and a banking machine. These feelings of loyalty to Mom can directly interfere with a stepchild's desire or ability to bond with the stepmother.

2) High Expectations of Self: For better or worse, women come into marriage with the expectation that they should be loving, nurturing, and supportive. Unfortunately, parenting, like marriage, takes two to tango. A stepmother who tries to be close to a stepchild who is uninterested or unwilling may walk away feeling resentful, and rejected. One of the largest, best-controlled studies of divorce (Hetherington, 2002) found that one-fourth of grown stepdaughters carried intense feelings of negativity about their stepmothers and only one-fourth described their relationship as close as adults.

3) High Expectations from Husband: Men are likely to hold their wives to the same standard that women hold themselves to. That is, they often believe that their new wives or girlfriends should be able and eager to step into the mothering role. This is both unrealistic and unreasonable.

What to do?

A) Be a friend, not a mom, to your stepkids unless it's completely clear that mothering is what they really want from you.

B ) Let your husband do the disciplining, not you.

C) Be assertive when you need to be. Your stepchildren may test your limits. While you can't assume that they're going to want to be close to you, you can hold them to the same standard of respect that you'd expect from anyone else. Therefore, they can't call you names, they can't take your stuff without asking, and they can't boss you around.

D) Take the long-term perspective: Your partner chose you, not his children, so it may take them quite a while to adjust to being divorced and accept that dad's primary love interest is no longer their mother, and for some children-them. Rome wasn't built in a day and neither is a good (or tolerable) relationship with stepchildren. Typically, it takes years, so try not to get too discouraged by the inevitable ups and downs.

Sign up today for Dr. Joshua Coleman's free monthly ezine here. His new book, When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along (HarperCollins) was just released in July, 2007. Dr. Coleman is an internationally known expert in parenting, couples, families, and relationships. A frequent guest on the Today Show, he has also appeared on ABC 20/20, Good Morning America, the BBC, and numerous news programs for FOX, ABC, and NBC television. He practices in San Francisco and Oakland, California.

Comments

[LeftRight]

I understand your point about it being easier for a stepfather than a stepmother. However, as a stepfather, who has both a stepmother and a stepfather myself, and who has many friends who have both dynamics, I find that the stepmothers a) end up having a closer relationship with the kids, and b)stepmothers are much more likely to be able to place rules for the children.
I've found in my own marriage that my wife doesn't want me to make new rules, or enforce old ones. This has been very frustrating, and almost ended the marriage more than once. Finally I sat her down and explained to her what was going on, and now we are working from the same playbook, and any time something changes from one of the parents, the other does not override until such time as we can talk about it.

That would be my 1st, 2nd and 3rd rule for new stepparents of any type. Always sit down with your new spouse and talk it over so that you both understand each other, and how you're going to deal with the kids, and if the stepparent makes a decision that the parent doesn't agree with, NEVER override them in front of the children, simply talk it over alone, and then explain to them TOGETHER what the rule will be.

[drjoshuacoleman]

Hi MamaBird2,

Jesus, I could not agree with you more. I see so many families where Dad remarries and then neglects his own kids to concentrate on his wife, his new wife's kids, or the kids that he ends up having with her. It's really destructive!
whenparentshurt.com

[MamaBird62]

OK, at the risk of sounding like a pathetic Dr. Laura caller, here goes. I'm 45, and my parents divorced when I was 32, married and with children of my own. Five years ago my Dad remarried a woman only 4 years older than I, with young children of her own. This completely changed the dynamic of my relationship with my Dad, I'm no longer comfortable even visiting his home. (For starters, his wife removed all photographs of my Dad's children from the home.) The thing I feel worst about is that my own children have missed out on being grandparented, as my parents created new families for themselves. I guess my message to divorcing parents of all ages would be don't forget your biological kids, even if they remind you of the former spouse you now hate!

[Checquoline]

A rule for stepparents, above all do no harm.