Confessions of a Recovering Holiday Shopper

Only 10 more shopping days until Christmas. That is, unless you're a recovering holiday shopper, like me. In which case, there are only 10 more non-shopping days til Christmas, then this whole shopping ordeal will be over. Until next year.

I'm celebrating my third Christmas in recovery and I've never enjoyed the holidays more than I have these past three years. After denying my addiction to holiday shopping for decades, two years ago, with the economy crashing all around, and Black Friday shoppers crashing down the doors at a Walmart in Long Island killing an employee, I knew the jig was up and my shopping gig was over.

Pondering that incident, I saw a reflection of my own out of control shopping behavior and I must admit, I didn't like what I saw. I might not have been among the crowd of crazed consumers that day, but I knew my own hands were not spotless. The day of reckoning was at hand. It was time to face the music and acknowledge I was powerless over my need to acquire stuff for stockings.

What was this crazy behavior really about? Was it a secret "Santa Syndrome" from which I suffered? Did I long to be the heroic and mysterious night visitor who brought brightly wrapped packages to all the good little boys and girls? Or did I think my worth as a human being was measured by the number of packages I presented at Christmas? Or was it something else?

I can't exactly explain what would come over me as I shopped for Christmas presents. Perhaps you can relate. With shopping list firmly in hand, knowing exactly what I wanted to buy for each person, the moment I entered a store, all my careful planning would go out the window and I would fall prey to a pent up urge to buy "stuff." I literally would lose my mind and all control in a store.

So many pretty things! Why not buy one of each in every color? Did it matter that the person on my list could have cared less about the object in my crosshairs? Nyet! I obviously had my priorities seriously twisted. And so the Christmas stockings would be filled to overflowing with stuff nobody really wanted, but I somehow felt fulfilled. I know, it sounds pathetic to admit it now, but at the time, what can I say? I was afflicted.

Full disclosure: my out of control shopping was not entirely limited to the holidays. Shopping, and it's accompanying rituals: thinking about shopping, planning what to buy, driving to the stores, finding a parking space, scoping out the goods, making discernments about size, color, price, quality, beauty, texture, etc. was a kind of "retail therapy" that filled a void in my life, and at the same time allowed me to avoid addressing the void itself.

As long as I could keep on buying stuff, I could avoid the void. But then the economy crashed, people went crazy at Walmart, and I woke up to confront my own reality. The void was staring me in the face and more "therapy" was not the answer. The recession actually did me a favor by forcing me to get real about what I was avoiding. At the core of my obsession was a deep longing for authentic connection with myself. I was attempting to fill a spiritual void with "stuff" and "things". I was the stocking I was seeking to stuff. It was my love for myself I was seeking.

We know that all addictions are an attempt to fill a spiritual void. In truth it was authentic presence I was seeking, not presents. A person could be forgiven for misinterpreting the two terms. But I'm clear about the difference and I know it can't be found in "things".

After that fateful Black Friday at Walmart, I decided to consume less, but give more. Last year, I referred to my conversion as going gift-free, but I now see that isn't entirely true. I do give gifts, just not the kind that can be wrapped. They can only be experienced. This is deeply satisfying to me because it actually addresses the source of my addiction. In creating alternative ways to share in the spirit of the holidays I am much more present to and for myself, and others. This was the true void wanting to be filled.

If any of this resonates with you, you might consider adopting an alternative approach to your own holiday gifting. Last year, one reader suggested:

I've been toying with the idea of giving my children 'coupons' for special mommy-and-me activities instead of the normal round of toys. Think like an hour of playing X-Box with mommy, a manicure/ pedicure, an ice-cream date, a swimming date at the YMCA, 5 Red-box movie rentals of their choice, etc. These would be redeemable at any time by the kids. I floated the idea by my 6 and 4 year old and they loved it, though they insisted there would have to be "real" coupons that they could hand me. I was surprised they were so receptive and I've been trying to come up with other activities they might enjoy.

And from another reader :

Ironing cotton pillowcases before bed on a winter's eve.

Here are some additional alternatives to traditional gifting you might consider:

1. Adopt a needy family. Prepare a holiday meal and deliver it. Involve your children in the grocery shopping and food preparation activities.
2. As a family, build a gingerbread house together, then donate it to a charity or take it to a children's hospital.
3. Organize a coat drive or a canned-food drive and donate them to your local food bank.
4. Go caroling at a local senior center or convalescent home.
5. Teach your children to make hand-made gifts. Both boys and girls enjoy this activity and feel a sense of accomplishment in the finished product.
6. Give an authentic acknowledgment to someone you love.
7. Look them in the eyes and tell them who they are for you.
8. Open up communication with someone with whom you've had a misunderstanding.
9. Apologize to someone you've unfairly judged.
10. Extend kindness to a stranger or offer support to someone and expect nothing in return.

We all have a choice about how we want to spend our resources; time, energy and money, and the experience we want to create at the end of the day. It's also a choice about how you see yourself contributing to the sustainability of the planet.

This, I believe is the true spirit of not only this time, but of these times. As never before, we are called to reconnect with what matters. Let this holiday season be a beckoning for you to come forward with the gift of your authentic presence and offer yourself as the priceless gift you are. No credit cards or cash required.

Are you a recovering holiday shopper? Have you already gone gift-free or are you contemplating it? Please stop by the comment section and share your ideas about gifting alternatives for the holidays. We're all searching for how to bring more joy and less stress to this time of year. Please share the wealth!

Another way to share the wealth is by posting this article to your Facebook page, and/or Twitter! And if you're not already a Fan, why not become one? Please also feel free to stop by my personal blog and website: Rx For The Soul. For personal contact I can be reached at: judith(at)judithrich(dot)com.

Blessings on the path.

 

Follow Dr. Judith Rich on Twitter: www.twitter.com/dr_judithrich

Comments

[Dr. Cara Barker]

01:36 PM on 12/17/2010

I, too, Judith, am a 'recovering holiday shopper,' (and other seasons, too). And,so, I thank you Judith, for this fine blog. Actually, while I love all your writing, this one is especially poignant for me because in the 'telling on myself' department, establishing a practice of 'gift free' holidays a few years back has been absolutely liberating. The fact is that it has returned me to a deeper relationship with what I love about Thanksgiving during any holiday, and that means Christmas, too. For me, it is so much about experiencing the awakening light of love in all I meet, whether I know them, like you, or do not. Yesterday, for example, I experienced it in two strangers just in the morning: one, an extraordinary woman from England, Lynne, and the other, Omar, who is a sweet, sweet young man who offered me such a kindness. Letting them know their impact brought a great joy to my heart, and we engaged at deeper levels in ways that touched us each. What a blessing.

So often we look for delight in outer things. It is an inside job indeed, for there the treasure lives.

so much love your way, with wishes for a season of unimaginable blessings,
Cara

[crom14]

10:08 PM on 12/16/2010

Great article, so true! Learning to simplify is the most wonderful gift! We put all our energy in the food and drink. We buy small gifts( not anything we stressed out over. What a blessing!

[OtayPanky]

03:22 PM on 12/16/2010

Twas the week before Xmas
And all through the mall
No one was smiling
No one at all.

[SShaw490]

05:36 AM on 12/16/2010

Dear Judith - Thanks for posting again, I've been missing you...

As far as shopping goes, my mom and her sister were the queens of shopping, holiday-style or otherwise. They'd go to a mall when the stores opened and leave when they closed, and if you were foolish enough to go with them, you'd be begging for mercy by lunchtime. There were times that they'd have to go home during the day to unload the car because the trunk was too full to hold any more stuff, and then they'd go right back and shop some more.

One funny thing, though - they never bought things for themselves. It was always the perfect toy for a grandson or the perfect purse for a granddaughter (or perfect shirt for a husband or brother, or...). If you have to be a shopaholic, shopping for other people is a pretty good way to deal with it. Their lives were all about enriching the lives of others, and one of the ways they expressed that was by trying to find perfect gifts for everyone.

[Dr. Judith Rich]

12:06 PM on 12/16/2010

And I've missed YOU too!

I love what you've shared about your mom and her sister, for it seems to be the best of both/all worlds. Although the full trunk at lunchtime does sound a bit "suspect". I think I detect an obsessive quality here, but what brings joy to the giver is highly subjective. There can be fun in trying to find the perfect gift, but for me, that experience often led me down a back alley where my priorities got distorted.

Today, the perfect gift for me, is clearly, the one of a shared experience of some kind, that doesn't involve shopping, however it may involve planning and organizing, etc.

And on that note, what could be a better gift than this "virtual friendship", forged on this page, transcending conventional boundaries, a touching of spirits, souls and hearts? You are a gift and I treasure our connection.

Warmly,
Judith

[SShaw490]

03:34 PM on 12/16/2010

Heck, you didn't have to shop with those two for very long before the obsessive quality was as detectable as an horse in your house...

I absolutely share your desire to move away from material gifts to gifts that are more directly personal. But my mom and Aunt Doris grew up at a time when material things were hard to come by, and I guess that was an influence on their desire to give things to others. But their giving spirit was a holy, pure core in their inner beings - in the same way that you pour pure water through coffee grounds, and the type of grounds influences the taste and texture of the coffee, it's still a product of pure water. We're given these existential gifts, and the way they are expressed is a product of the people they're poured through. That makes life so exciting and wonderful - holy water that flows through a thousand people and you see a thousand ways that it emerges.

Have a great Christmas and have fun trying to find the holy water flowing out of people that you may not see every day (maybe by choice, LOL).

[DiogenesOfAlaska]

06:58 PM on 12/15/2010

I am openly egoistic about gifts. I make them only if I can share in the pleasure coming from them.

Does that make me a cookie monster? I hope so!

[Dr. Judith Rich]

11:57 AM on 12/16/2010

Diog,

This is a perfect example of "the giving is the receiving". If that makes you a cookie monster, then have at it. Sharing in the pleasure of the one receiving is the true gift of giving, is it not? Otherwise, why bother?

My own approach, the gifting of experiential presents only, makes this even more palpable, because I usually get to participate in the "experience" gifted.

May you have a big, fat, cookie monster-filled holiday season!

[Arithrianos]

03:29 PM on 12/15/2010

i think the whole idea of gift giving at xmas is a misunderstanding and is really unskillful, as you note the best gift of all is authentic presence but that is a gift far more costly than diamonds or mink, so most people settle for giving the lesser gifts of material goods. in the biblical story the gifts of the zoroastrians were not at all about making yeshua happy, they were not toys or anything practical even, they were gifts for his funeral, a symbol pointing out the unity of birth and death, that the proper time to celebrate a persons death is a birth, at least to me that is what it means, but of course that is the mystical meaning and so is not popular, so much better is the santa with his bag of junk, oh i mean joy, or do i? giving is surrender to the moment, to community, to togetherness and family-spiritual of biological. it means showing up and fully accounted for. it means giving up meanness pettiness and spite. it means forgiveness, even 7x70 times. really gift giving to me has nothing to do with material goods, those are just sybolic, what is really demanded direct form spirit/reality is the gift of the sacrificing of your own ego upon the cross, this is tru generosity, may all sentient being rise to that great challenge.

[gcarl]

05:08 PM on 12/15/2010

arith, I didn't know the 'gifts' were symbolic of death = birth. Life is a gyre = whirlpool = pyramid, and we come around to the starting point 3-4 times, if we are lucky, hopefully a little higher on the spiral and thus closer to the central axis. Folks don't believe me when I say that time isn't linear, but circular--I'm glad this is encoded in the story (for the non-literal). You might want to clarify that the 'cross' is one of the oldest symbols, and is not to be taken literally. The midpoint of the 4 points on the arms is the center - 5, which is a reversal of direction, or a starting over, birth-death, on another plane of awareness, while still being in the physical body. Good stuff! fanned again.

[Dr. Judith Rich]

05:54 PM on 12/15/2010

Yes, Arith, this is very interesting, indeed. And it makes total sense.

I just love what you bring here! Many blessings to you dear Arithrianos,
Judith

[Arithrianos]

07:49 AM on 12/16/2010

the cross of changes is what i refer to, the NOW, but 4 in 5 is good to, in tibetan buddhism mt meru is spread out in 10 directions, but 5 is good, starting over with the same is always good. spiral time is what is, no lines in time, it all comes around again.

[gcarl]

12:55 PM on 12/20/2010

Arithrianos, just asking, ignore if you wish. What is the origin of the name you use on HufPo? Ahriman is the Zoroastrian name for the dualist opposition to good. In Greek, the suffix -ianos is added, Ahrianos, or Arianos, etc. Variations, in other Mid East languages, of A(h)riman become Arith...etc, which become something like your 'handle' when the Greek suffix is added. Just curious.

[Arithrianos]

03:22 PM on 12/20/2010

well there are two basic explanations, one mystic the other more practical. a group was starting up a new AD&D 2nd edition campain, and i came up with the name Arithrianos Xylanos Xylantium. where i believe that name came from was a former life where i was an elf like creature, so when thinking of a name for an elven charater it came back, or i just made it up on the spot. it is interesting that it can also be read as the dualist opposition, i knew of ahriman at the time, but not the other possable derivisions of that. the campain lasted two years and it was really meaningful to me so i kept the name as my cyberhandle, i use it everywhere.

[ruchild]

02:45 PM on 12/15/2010

I only buy gifts for my child, the rest get baked goods. I don't do it all at once, but work throughout the fall with a different cookie each weekend, done and in the freezer. Then, in December, the week before or so, I pull out the cookies, get them together into their various bags or boxes or tins returned, and begin passing them out to friends and family as I see them prior to the holiday itself. I take my time and put my intention of baking with love into each and every cookie, including decorating them. Everyone I share them with understand the time and effort I put into them as well and each is packaged slightly different to each recipient. As a crafty/baking person by nature, this gives me an outlet of my favorite activities and sharing this with those I care about and I show each person how much I treasure them in my life.
And for those who do the black friday shopping, try working the other end just once, when those doors open, it sounds like a herd of elephants stampeding down the aisles and the floor vibrates with the horde running in to get that "big deal".... frightening indeed....

[Dr. Judith Rich]

02:57 PM on 12/15/2010

Beautiful! What lucky recipients, who receive those cookies. Reminds me of the movie, Water For Chocolate, and the love that was baked into each dish. Besides, do we really need any more "stuff"?

What's your personal favorite in the cookie department?

Happy holidays to you,
Judith

[ruchild]

05:19 PM on 12/15/2010

Like Water for Chocolate is a fabulous movie! My favorite cookie is the new one I added to my arsenal this year, which is called Blanket Cherry Chocolate, it is highly addictive and the recipe is in Betty Crocker Cookbook, (I may have the name wrong, but it is in there). And that is my share to everyone out there. Read ALL the directions thoroughly, many steps, but easy and well worth it.
Happy Baking!

[gcarl]

01:50 PM on 12/15/2010

Judith, yes, addiction of any type symbolizes a spiritual void. 'Taking in' food, alcohol, or purchased items is a type of self-soothing. Our spirit wants us to 'give out' to others. Anxiety is usually a signal from our inner self that, although well-adjusted and ‘in therapy’, there is yet another area which has surfaced for our attention, to be ‘given up’. The self-calming belief is 'that thing, out there, changes me, in here', when what is needed--and the Christmas season is a good time for it--is to change 'us' by giving out to 'them', by giving our attention, of course, not a purchased gift. As with the Biblical, 'don't let the right hand know that the left is giving', this is harder than it seems, because most 'charitable' giving is egoism in disguise, and thus harmful to both the giver and receiver. The general rule is that we should observe a person closely for 3 months before we presume to give any sort of advice, much less concrete help—often we ‘give’ the wrong thing. Nothing wrong with, as you suggest, adopting a needy family. In.addition, I would spend some meditation time imagining them as finding their own way to get back on their feet in a few months.

[Dr. Judith Rich]

03:00 PM on 12/15/2010

Yes, I like your suggestion to spend time working the metaphysical/subjective in addition to the physical. I happen to believe that prayer and meditation are potent activities and engage them fully every day.

[Jackandcoke]

01:41 PM on 12/15/2010

One of the benefits of lean times is simplicity and frugality. And these are lean times. This year we are doing the twenty-five dollar, 1 gift Christmas. It just makes sense.

There are lessons here for when times are better as a reminder to keep life simple and that less really is more.

[Dr. Judith Rich]

03:03 PM on 12/15/2010

Dear J&C,

I'm with you. The older I become, the more I appreciate simplicity. Who needs to be burdened by complexity, which obscures truth and beauty and makes life more stressful? Let's remember these lessons when the "fat"times return. (But something in me thinks it'll never be the same again, not for the majority of people. "Fat" times for the rich, lean times for the rest of us.) I'll go with lean, at least metaphysically. Sign me up for simple.

Blessings,
Judith

[Jackandcoke]

04:08 PM on 12/15/2010

No, things will not be the same. It's been over 2 years of this. So let's agree to forge a new perspective on this so called economic correction. Maybe we can reshape the emotional landscape by adapting and disgarding complexities.

[Marcus01]

01:33 PM on 12/15/2010

I am very happy to receive your confession. : ) Go now in peace and in joy, and have a fully present and guilt-free holiday experience, filled with love and camaraderie.

[Dr. Judith Rich]

03:04 PM on 12/15/2010

Thank you, father/mother. Will do!

And same back to you.............

[Kari Henley]

12:51 PM on 12/15/2010

Hi Judith
Really great job. You speak the truth for so many.
I also feel that the gift of time is a wonderful thing for my children. I have often selected a special event to share with my kids as a first preference over a consumer item.
I also have found that many families have chosen to spend their holiday budget by going away together. Getting out of the house and the temptations and even escaping to a nearby town with a hotel, spa and pool is a thrill for everyone, and creates more of the moments we want to remember during the holidays.
I am thinking about this for my piece this weekend as well. The ability to make such a decision is linked into a willingness to step out of self-guilt and into self-love.
and much love to you and yours this season my wise teacher!
Kari

[Dr. Judith Rich]

03:06 PM on 12/15/2010

Right back at you, MIss Kari!

I wish I could be a fly on the wall at your house during the holidays. Or maybe even a full blown adult participant! I know you create a magical time, no matter what, and it's not about "stuff".

Much love to you and yours at this magical time of year,
Judith

[Annej200]

12:38 PM on 12/15/2010

Planning is key. I find I have much more self control when shopping online. P.S. one site i highly recommend is www.thegiftmeadow.com. Good luck!! :)

[Dr. Judith Rich]

03:06 PM on 12/15/2010

Thanks so much for the link. A great suggestion!

[thebearschick]

12:30 PM on 12/15/2010

Thank you for this article. I think what you experienced is common, although none are quick to admit it. In the past, I stressed myself out working so hard to find the "perfect" gift for the important people in my life. It had to be thoughtful, interesting, and unique. Oh, and the wrapping had to be neat, clean, and perfect as well.

I finally asked myself one day, "Am I giving a gift here, or asking for someone's approval?"

[Dr. Judith Rich]

03:07 PM on 12/15/2010

Precisely! Thank you for putting those words to it. Thankfully, I came to that same conclusion and found my way back from the shopping morass I'd created.

Happy no gifting,
Judith

[Anne Naylor]

11:12 AM on 12/15/2010

Beautiful, Judith.

I have been finding a lot of joy in writing a few words to dear friends in Christmas cards. My "planned" Christmas shopping during my recent trip to England was cancelled through bad weather and being unable to get to the shops!

However, I did have a pile of unsent Christmas cards from previous years that are now coming into their own. Times are now past when I indulged in so-called retail therapy, which actually wasn't. I do enjoy giving gifts in a quiet way without a lot of frenzy.

It is the spirit of giving and receiving and the openness that comes with it that I really love about this time of the year. Your suggestions are wonderful!

With lots of love and joy to you,
Anne

[Dr. Judith Rich]

03:09 PM on 12/15/2010

Dear Anne,

I'm so happy to see you here! I've missed you on this page and trust and hope that your time away is restorative and productive in just the right ways that nurture your body, soul and spirit.

The best of the holiday season to you. Lots of love and joy your way,
Judith

[Anne Naylor]

02:33 PM on 12/16/2010

Thank you, Judith. Always great to be in touch with you.

Love and infinite joy to you these holidays,
Anne