From Worrier to Warrior: Making Friends With Fear
Lessons in Living: Part 2
The Wisdom of Eckhart Tolle and Warren Buffett
I don't look for 7-foot bars to jump over, I look around for 1-foot bars I can step over. -- Warren Buffett
Worry pretends to be necessary, but serves no useful purpose. -- Eckhart Tolle
OK, I know things are getting pretty hairy out there. We are standing in the midst of a perfect storm. Remember this part about "standing in the midst". I'll get back to that idea. But here we are at this moment in time: mid-October, 2008. The world financial markets are plummeting; our economy is on the verge of collapse. The presidential campaign is growing uglier by the day, and for many people, retirement just got a whole lot further away as life savings and home equities vanish.
In the face of circumstances over which we have no control, we commonly feel fearful and powerless. When these feelings get stuck in the body, they become gigantic pools of toxic stress. In the absence of knowing what to do, our default strategy is to swim around in the toxins. Our stomach gets tied in knots. We lose sleep, become irritable and often take out our feelings of fear and frustration on innocent others.
Even Warren Buffet warns us that times are bad and going to get worse. Meanwhile, the ego is jumping up and down with glee! Mighty Ego to the rescue! It's primary job is to insure the survival of that which it thinks it is. And that which it thinks it is; is Y-O-U. Ego, masquerading as Fear says, "Just hand over the keys ma'am and nobody will get hurt. You can go back to sleep now and let me drive this car. I've got everything under control."
Buffett advises that simple behaviors are far more productive than complex ones. So what's the simplest thing you can do to take back control when your mind is racing headlong for the abyss? How can you make friends with your fear?
In order for it to stay in business, the ego has to make everything appear larger than life, so it can play the role of hero and save the day. Feelings like fear and anxiety, which are merely a form of energy, get inflated and projected onto the screen of the mind and end up looking like WILD UNTAMED BEASTS! To the unconscious mind, fear and anxiety are REAL! As in,"things" that have the power to threaten your very existence. Well, in fact, they do, IF you grant them that kind of power; in which case, you've forgotten that you're the one running the projector! BUT, there are other options.
You could befriend your fear. And how might you do that? It's actually quite simple. I like to think of the ego as wearing a little gerbil suit. Yes, that's right, a gerbil suit. Stay with me here. This thought levels the playing field and puts things in a more advantageous perspective. It allows you to bring your fear back down to size so you can sit with it, embrace, and de-fang it. Once you see the fear as simply energy, instead of being a "thing", you can see more options for how to be with that energy, how to move it and use it to be creative. Fear can be a creative ally in your life if you know how to use it.
Allow me to review some points I made in a previous column on strategies for managing the gerbil, for I think they have application here :
#1- Stop. When life becomes chaotic and the gerbil is racing around the wheel, tap yourself on the shoulder and just say "stop". Stop the mind chatter and knee-jerk reactions. Gently pluck the gerbil off the wheel. With loving kindness, sit down together in a rocking chair and cuddle up with a cup of warm tea and a nice blanket. More than anything, the gerbil is the frightened part of you that just wants to be loved. It also needs some R&R. Imagine how tired YOU'D be if you were running in circles all the time! Oh, you already are? Then pay close attention.
#2- Close your eyes and pay attention to your breath. Take nice, slow, easy breaths, following the inhalation and exhalation. Become aware of the spacious openness that holds and surrounds you and your breath. You and the gerbil, take a bath in this. Keep breathing into that spaciousness and stay here as long as you like. Even 5 minutes off the wheel will help to reset and refocus your mind. The world will still be there when you decide to return. Stopping and resting in the breath is an important step that helps you reconnect to your own rhythm when the rhythm of the world overwhelms you.
#3- Look- When you decide to return to the outer world, notice the ease you've just experienced. Before you resume activity, look to see what arises out of this openness. The world may be going to hell in a hand basket, but in this present moment, you have everything you'll ever need. Most of all, you have choice. You may not have choice about what is happening, but you always have choice about how to be with what's happening.
#4- Choose this moment. Choose, not based on your conditioned history or your fears about the future. Choose based on now. Who knows, this could be your very last moment. If it were, what would you choose? Have the courage to choose that, now.
One last thing: notice the gerbil. What's it doing now? Mine is lying on its back, quite relaxed, feeling ever so peaceful. Remember that perfect storm I referred to earlier? It's still raging, but the gerbil and I are standing in its midst, situated in the eye of the storm, where it's calm and quiet. A 1-foot bar we stepped over together.
So you and the gerbil, take at least one 15- minute break each day and you'll both feel better. You'll then have the clarity of focus and energy to take actions in the direction of what really matters in your life, like spending time loving the people you love and being a presence of peace in a stormy world.
To paraphrase our friends, Buffett and Tolle: "Find those 1-foot bars and step over them and don't worry if you trip and fall. Worry only pretends to be necessary".
Follow Dr. Judith Rich on Twitter: www.twitter.com/dr_judithrich
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Judith: A terrific column and important reminder. I work primarily with attorneys and parents (and, as an attorney and parent, with myself) sharing methods for allowing that powerful shift from worrier to warrior. When consequences appear significant (a la parenting) and adversaries seem to be out to get you (a la lawyering), that gerbil grows fangs. I love your use of the gerbil and appreciate the power of the strategies you offer. One of the most challenging part of mindfulness is remembering to be mindful -- remembering to look for the gerbil and then keep her in mind. In the work I do, a phrase that developed out of the law and has since become known to so many parents is "Stop Look and Listen." It's an important instruction when approaching a train track -- or a spinning gerbil wheel -- to attenuate the apparent danger. Your column and the four strategies remind me of this phrase, for which I am grateful, and I wanted to share it with you. All my best. Scott Rogers. Institute for Mindfulness Studies. Miami Beach, FL.
Scott,
Thanks for your comment and for all the good work you do at the Institute. We need all the reminders we can get and people like you doing the work.
Best to you,
Judith
Ahhh yes, RevGia,
You are on the journey and a noble spirit you are indeed! Thank YOU so much for sharing your wisdom and insight. Do drop by again! I love seeing your input here.
Best to you,
Judith
In addition, the past year has been one of the most challenging and rocky for me in my familial relationships as well as financially. What I've found is that on the flip side of fear is courage, on the flip side of survival is abundance. I sat in grief, feeling wounded and adrift, for a couple of months and then used this very process (sans gerbil) to not only lift myself out of a dark emotional abyss, but to address ancient wounds and self-doubt at the deepest level I've ever attained, far deeper than I thought possible.
I have found that all is well, no matter the material images - all is truly well. I am ALIVE! I have a beautiful life filled with love, compassion and beauty. I am fulfilled in a way that I hadn't imagined prior to the challenges and, so, I am thankful and consider myself truly blessed to have created these challenges for myself.
I am now more compassionate and loving than ever and am better able to share myself with and be in service to others who haven't yet seen the bigger picture and found the usefulness of their challenges. I have found courage to speak about my life as a means of helping others. I have found courage to speak up and speak out. I am making a difference in far deeper and meaningful ways.
Thank you for posting this powerful and useful process at a time when it is sorely needed.
A simple and powerful way to be at peace in the midst of perceived turmoil. For me, its about putting my awareness on what is so in this moment instead of what might be. James Twyman says (to paraphrase), there is no need to look for peace as it is already here, it only takes becoming aware, opening our inner eyes and realizing that peace has been and always will be present in every moment.
Thank you for being such a powerful force for awareness and integrity. I value your wisdom and insight and am grateful that you have this forum to share yourself with so many.
Blessings and love!
I'm so proud of you Ms. Grayson! Keep that gerbil cooing!
Judith
Meditation, meditaion, meditation. Practicing this on a daily basis has truly created peace in the midst of the storm for me. I was never one to meditate, let alone sit still for any length of time. However, now that I am on the other side I see how not giving myself moments of stillness to quiet my mind created more havoc and worry. Something so simple as to sit still and be quiet for 15 minutes daily - life changing for me actually. (I'm now feeling big for my britches and have extended it to 30 minutes! I may even get real crazy and go for 45!)
try it on, see if it fits.
Thank you Judith - oh great coaching Goddess!! Terri
I always ask my clients one thing "Are you listening to your life"?
If you're not, life can become extremely overwhelming and then the fear sets in.
I recommend mediation, healthy eating and fitness.
What wonderful words that deliver worlds of wisdom. You boil such complex concepts into such easy morsels to chew and relish.
My domineering cat, Cleopatra Jones, loved what your gerbil's contribution so much that she has agreed to help me with my next post. (And advice how you get your Huffpost Blogger function to work- mine seems to behave like the Italian train system. It works when it is in the mood.)
Thank you again for your generosity and wisdom.
Eli,
Cleopatra sounds like a good ally! Can't wait to hear what she has to say. I enjoy reading your posts and always come away with something wise and powerful.
Regarding getting the HP blogger function to work: I haven't had a problem so far. Just log into the "backstage" area, then go to "visit site". That way, you're logged in as a blogger and your blogger ID should come when you leave a comment.
Good luck and I'll be tuning in to your blog each week and encouraging my readers to join me! Eli Davidson, everyone. She's great!
i love dr rich. she's sensible and authentic. i feel comforted. love to meet her in person.
hello judith. love your words, as usual.
is it true, i ask of Mr. Twain, that we fear our neighbors disapproval more so then wolves and death. why is it more frightening to file bankruptcy then to proactively downsize our lives to live a more efficient and sustainable life. because we are so attached to looking good. so much so that being eaten by the wolves sounds like a more pleasant experience.
money is just a thing, so why do we find ourselves chasing it so frantically. is these volatile times, fear seems to be running wild because people are afraid of losing everything. well, as we all SHOULD know, things aren't everything, and the sooner people realize that all the STUFF is overrated, the sooner they will become less feared of it disappearing.
fear only exists because we think about it, hey, start thinking about something else !
christopher
Well said, Christopher. Thanks so much for speaking up here. In fact, stay tuned. I'll be writing about What's Left to Lose When There's Nothing Left to Lose in the coming weeks.
Thanks for addressing this topic: FEAR. Especially now we need to be in communication with each other and talk about what our fears are. They are REAL so they can't be ignored, but they can, as you indicated, be calmed and we can move through them. I hear adults say "If only I still had the imagination of a little child"; well they do, only they use it for another purpose. Adults use imagination to create the worst scenarios that can happen, worry, panic, stress. The product of this imagination run wild is as strong as my daughter's pretending she's a fairy princess. For my part, I'll use my imagination to put my ego in its gerbil suit as you suggest, and use my fear as it was intended; a warning to pay attention to my actions right here and right now.
Thanks for your great columns, Judith.
Always a fan: jmlynchtra
Thank you, James Lynch, trainer, coach, and extraordinary human being, for sharing your point of view here! And thanks for the reminder that our fear is a signal that the gerbil has run amok and we've lost sight of what's right in front of us.
As always, I appreciate your take on things.
Best to you,
Judith
This brings to mind another key point that Tolle puts forth: this too shall pass. One blessing I've received from going through personal financial rockiness is the realization that the universe ebbs and flows, regardless of how badly I (my ego) wants otherwise. Our economy - globally and personally - naturally goes up and down. Stability is great, but fear, if embraced, promotes growth. The world is on the verge of a major growth spurt, I believe!!!!!
And the opening quote from Buffett...
Yes, don't we all "try to take a bite out of the elephant".
If we choose to "enjoy the storm", we can surf the waves instead of getting caught in the undertow.
Thanks, Stef!
Walking and relaxing..
Fear, anxiety and all others affecting our mind... negative energy will bring itself...
Hard to be positive, but... in lieu of fear...
Turn the negative into positive by saying...
There is always an opportunity in this negative market...
Because, if there is no negative, there is no positive..
Opportunity is there... today may be the best time to be positive and evaluate what you like to do and what you are best at... and look into it... associating yourself with positive energy... is the best medicine..
Good advice! Thanks for sharing and for expanding this discussion.
That's Buddhism in a nutshell.
Thich Nhat Nanh and the Dalai Lama have written many books if you're interested in more.
Yep, Buddhism for the non-Buddhist in 1000 words or less. Just trying to make it accessible!
It recalls A Course in Miracles too. A book worth the effort; not for everyone, but mind blowing for those who it IS for.
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