"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity." -- Gilda Radner
Lately, I've come across some interesting juxtapositions of words that make me scratch my head and think twice about their meaning. On first glance, you notice two words that appear to be polar opposites. Take the words, "uncivilized" and "elegance" for instance. If you put them together, you get "uncivilized elegance."
Don't you really wonder what uncivilized elegance might look like? Or is it just me who finds this seeming incongruity more than an interesting mental exercise and maybe a potential game changer?
In the case of uncivilized elegance, imagine a woman who is elegantly coiffed, made up and dressed. Now add a touch of "uncivility" to her. Maybe she's wearing a piece of wild jewelry, outrageous shoes, or has accessorized her outfit with an animal print. Maybe she's put something in her hair like a feather or is wearing a quirky hat that suggests she's something other than predictable and appropriate. She becomes uncivilized elegance. Much more interesting that plain old elegance, don't you think? A game changer, indeed.
Let's take two more words one ordinarily wouldn't think to put together. Like, oh I don't know, say "delicious" and "ambiguity". Put them together and you get "delicious ambiguity." Was Gilda Radner onto something? What did she see in these two seemingly opposite words?
Ambiguity is not something one ordinarily courts. In fact, most people, including corporations (as in, "corporations are people too, my friend") detest ambiguity. Ambiguity is akin to uncertainty, and we all know that uncertainty is fraught with danger. Or so we believe. In fact, we humans will go a long way to eliminate ambiguity and uncertainty from our lives. We want to sweep the decks of anything that is undefined and vague. Stock markets do not rally on uncertainty. Neither do most people.
Except Gilda. Clearly, she knew something, or at least if she didn't start out knowing it, she learned it along the way. And that's the thing about uncertainty and perhaps the reason why it might serve us to hold it as "delicious." Because inside uncertainty, nothing has yet taken form and therefore, all things are possible. Who wouldn't find being in a field of infinite possibility a delicious experience?
Well think again, because you and I find ourselves in such a field every single moment, yet most of us tend to reject the notion that not knowing what's coming next can be a delicious experience. And why do we reject it?
Most of us are more like Goldilocks than Gilda, wanting life to come in be just the right portions, not be too hot or too cold, and have a happy ending. We don't want a life that feels so big we can't get our arms wrapped around it and end up feeling out of control. But neither do we want a life that's too small, that cramps our creativity or has too little stimulation or too few opportunities for growth.
We don't want surprises, like Papa Bear coming home unexpectedly and finding us with our hand in the cookie jar. Or like losing a job or a relationship, or even worse. We want certainty and predictability, and we want life to make sense. We want life to unfold in a linear fashion, so we know where we are in the story and can anticipate what's coming next.
Prior to 9/11, we Americans lived in the fantasy that we had control of our lives. Now, this was never completely true, but we preferred the narrative of control and certainty over the one of chaos and unpredictability. And then everything changed.
After 9/11 and the economic meltdown of 2008, all bets were off. We may still long for the "good old days" where at least we still had our illusions of certainty, but today, even the illusions are gone.
The truth is, life has always been uncertain. The only difference is that today we can no longer entertain the illusion that it's anything else. We've been initiated into the great cauldron of uncertainty and are challenged to learn how to swim in its waters. How are you doing?
Given this "new" reality -- not really new, except that our collective awareness has shifted and we're now beginning to get that the game has permanently changed -- how best to proceed from here? If there is no solid ground on which to stand, what kind of beings do we need to become in order to dwell in the land of uncertainty and learn to reap its potential rewards?
The Gilda theory of life gives us a clue. Start with changing your mind. What if your old way of thinking about uncertainty was not wrong but simply outdated and in need of a makeover? The newest discoveries in quantum physics are causing scientist to rethink nearly everything we once believed to be true. What if uncertainty could be viewed as a field of infinite possibilities and "delicious ambiguity" instead of scary and overwhelming? How would changing your mind change your receptivity about being with uncertainty? Which way of thinking would empower you to be most effective?
If you weren't frightened by uncertainty, but open to its possibilities, this one change potentially changes everything. And if you can change your mind about this, what other untruths held as truths could benefit from a makeover? What seemed to work for your life 20 or 30 years ago is probably due for an update.
Gilda advises that we make the best of each moment. Or, as author Gregg Braden says: "The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They make the best of everything they have."
This isn't anything new or revolutionary, granted. But do you actually put this into practice? Making the most of each moment requires that we show up for it as our fully awakened, aware selves. It requires that we not be attached to how the moment unfolds or the outcome, but be a willing participant in the here and now, meeting the moment as it is, open to surprise and unpredictability.
Gilda Radner's life did not have a happy ending. She died of ovarian cancer at age 43 after being misdiagnosed for 10 months, during which time she struggled with extreme pain and discomfort. She once quipped, "I joined a club I didn't want to belong to." Even Gilda was challenged to live by her own hard-earned wisdom. But then, aren't we all?
Here's a piece of wisdom from Alan Watts. See if it resonantes for you as it did for me:
"No one imagines that a symphony is supposed to improve in quality as it goes along, or that the whole object of playing it is to reach the finale. The point of music is discovered in every moment of playing and listening to it.It is the same, I feel, with the greater part of our lives ... And if we are unduly absorbed in improving them, we may forget altogether to live them."
The one thing that's certain is this present moment. What are you bringing to this one, uncivilized, elegant moment of your life? How can you bring a sense of delicious presence to this ambiguous possibility called now? What old beliefs and untruths are due for a makeover?
I'd love to hear your thoughts and take on this topic. Pull up a chair and be a part of this discussion. And come pay a visit to my personal blog and website at Rx For The Soul.
And for personal contact, email me at judith@judithrich.com.
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Blessings on the path,
Judith
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Jeanne Ball: The Key To Health And Happiness: A 'Lost' State of Consciousness?
One sentence struck me the most: "The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They make the best of everything they have." I live this! When I was younger, I was a classic over-achiever. By the time I was 26, I owned two houses, several cars, and a boat. And I was miserable. I was working my a$$ off, and had no time to enjoy all these things. My racecars sat unused, my boat spent most of it's time being used by my in-laws, while I maintained it. Our "summer" house was enjoyed by everyone but me. I thought all these things were going to make me happy. I couldn't have been more wrong. I had bought into the American dream of acquisition. But this problem belonged to nobody else but me. And it was mine to solve. It was easier than I thought it would be, my wife decided to seek a divorce, and that pretty much took care of that.
But, I learned my lesson, and never went after all the material things again. I went after the things that I could enjoy. The thing that brings me the most joy, is the time I spend with my wife and our pets. And next to that, I enjoy sharing time with homeless vets. It works for me.
I hope everyone is well. Take care, my friends.
Paul
Beautifully said and what a turnabout ! So nice to 'see' you again.
Much to be learned from what you share here. Thanks.
WELL wishes back at you and yours...
I hope you and your loved ones are well. Take care, and thanks for your kindness and friendship.
Paul
Good to see you here again. Your story is not uncommon. I resonate with it myself. Been there, done that. Now I love simplicity.
I spent today working in a community garden up in Calistoga, which is gorgeous wine country in northern CA. Getting my hands dirty working in the soil under a perfect blue sky with white puffy clouds, surrounded by mountains and vineyards. Perfect temperatures, slight breeze, wonderful compadres, who could ask for more?
Thank you for working with our homeless vets. There is a huge need there. Must be very gratifying. It's good to know someone like you is on their team.
Be well, my friend. Many blessings your way,
Judith
Take care all my friends, and be safe and well. Love and Peace from my home to yours.
Paul
Sometimes, my attempts at keeping life simple are threatened, but I remain determined. Check with Dr. Cara, she'll explain. Right now, I'm so happy I can hardly stand myself.
Take care, and my best wishes to you and all at the Well.
Paul
Interesting topic, faith. I've thought about doing a piece on it many times. It really does come down to what one is putting one's faith in, fear or the unknown. We could have quite a conversation about this. Stay tuned.......
Meanwhile, consider me a fan.
Best,
Judith
Yes ! Yes please, to a piece on faith... since you've thought about it x number of times...
I know this experience of which you speak, both with my mom and dad and former husband and another friend. I've called it the "agony and the ecstasy", both the saddest and most joyful moments, the final breath, the release from suffering, the flight from the body to eternal peace.
To be with one who is dying is such a sacred experience. May you and your friend be bathed in grace and light.
Much love to you my friend,
Judith
I find your words oddly comforting by the depth of the closeness shared with your friend as she approaches that final breath; my hope is that the beauty of release is achieved along with the beauty you express with your appreciation of all that will have come before…
Thank you for sharing! I hope I will achieve a similar closeness before I slip over that precipice…
Lawson
What a fascinating concept. I know life is chock full of uncertainties and unexpected surprises but you brought it out in the open whereas often I, at least, tend to shy away from thinking about ambiguities and inconsistencies. Like to believe the fantasy that life is predictable.. at least to a certain degree. Ha! What an illusion :) But that is the 'outer self' .. deep down the 'inner self' knows that much of what this soap opera conglomeration of beliefs and thoughts about myself, life, are not 'real' and that the 'real life is a life of " infinite possibilities" that I haven't even touched the surface of.
I find it paradoxical that many of us greet certain changes with fear and yet our entire voyage on this planet is one of change following change. I am not the same person I was yesterday, yet, I wonder if this hanging onto outdated beliefs is not due to the inner self 'knowing' that at the very bottom of the well there is only a total 'constantness.'
Thank you... have to ponder this further. I do love the idea of embracing the ambiguity. Practicing it, well...a bit more of a challenge than writing a limerick ... and I must say that I " suspect" that too was a means of guiding us to expansion in whatever 'form' or is that simply a play of my imagination :)
"WELL" done !
Now set THAT to a limerick....... your next "assignment". :-)
Of course I am listening my dear! Read it this AM, but, "DRAT!" I was not able to respond until now.
So here is my take on your challange...
THE JOURNEY
Born... then learned of both love and strife,
and how reality rewards or cuts like a knife.
Matured as adults, most of us did.
Transforming beyond that world of kids,
But, transition begins at the end of this life.
RLM
Your turn... :)
Lawson
Fab article Judith
Catherine
Been gone all day and did not see you till now... of course you have been gone longer, but for justifiable reasons.
Sometimes life, instead of turning out as we expect, it just turns out I 'reckon, and we move on into the next uncertainty tasting, hoping it will be as, or maybe more delicious, and the good thing about bad tastes, they can always be replaced... especially with chocolate!
Glad to see you again!
Lawson
And that's where my delicious moment came in 2 days ago when I understood that his stated fear that showing tenderness is not my problem. I can still love you and leave you without hating, criticising, belittling or regretting because that is the lesson I needed to learn. Present moments are simply wonderful!
Catherine
Being able to say goodbye to someone and leave with respect, in spite of the "story", not making them wrong, (in spite of the story).... requires a deep respect for the process in which you both engaged, even though it didn't turn out the way you'd hoped.
Don't get lost in another's brilliance...... for it's only your own reflected back.
Blessings dear one. Nice to see you back here again.
Judith
I love Gildla's quote. I'm thinking how we all grew up wanting that perfect ending and then we grew p and gave up that idea. The ending is the ending we're supposed to have. Perhaps the world is perfect and we just can't see it. I now know that perfect is boring and we'd be very boring people if we were perfect though I know many people who do think they are perfect and they are boring. Again perfection is, or a lack of, is a reminder to live in this very moment as far as I'm concerned. I love the Japanese culture which reveres imperfection taking it to an art form.
Now I'm really off to bed Judith.
Are you a Bay Area girl? This is interesting..... first May Sarton and now Alan Watts and Green Gulch, both of which I also love.
And then the bit about perfection and boredom. Now there's a topic that could use some fleshing out. I am so with you on this. I never understood people's search for perfection. It's like the broken cup analogy I used in my last post. Again, as you point out about the Japanese culture taking imperfection to an art form, it's said that when a cup is broken, the Japanese fill the cracks with gold and thereby making the broken cup even more beautiful.
And so it is with life. Show me someone who has grown through adversity vs. someone who never knew pain and guess which one is wise and which one is boring? Perfect endings are a myth, But one thing is for sure about life. We're all going to meet some kind of ending, at least in the physical. How we meet that final moment is the "big secret", revealed to us only when we reach it. Now that's a delicious ambiguity if you ask me!
Have a blessed day,
Judith
Alas, making peace with uncertainty is the only way to be---but it sucks sometimes not knowing what monsters, mermaids, mistrals or myth makers one might encounter tomorrow.
I can remember one day in college when my sister's ex boyfriend charged at me and I bolted without looking across a busy street downtown without thinking until I got to the other side when I wondered how make through all those cars without being hit. It seemed impossible. Had I just escaped death? My feet had felt oddly galvanized, "guided" I daresay. But is this how things work in the larger scheme including the freak accidents that steal your life in the blink of an eye? This is frightening.
Yes...change terrifies me even as I'm fascinated my what thrives on it. But it frightens me still...perhaps because I grew up all over the world and longed for a place to call home, an anchor and my parents were giants that made everything so small, so good at crumbling.... So now I try to find a knob to hold onto even as the wind pries everything else away. I have a beloved painting that hangs above my desk. Everyday I see it. Everyday I learn to see it anew. I'm being taught another lesson: do not get bored with what at least stays for a while. This lesson is serving me well.
Take care.
Good to see you here!
Your dash across the street story, without being brushed by death, reminds me of my "I believe I can fly" story -- jumping from the second story balcony and landing on the ground without a scratch.
I was listening to a podcast on NPR with a woman telling about falling from a tree and ending up a paraplegic. Could have been me, but it wasn't. Could've been you, but it wasn't. The mythical monsters and mermaids must have otherwise occupied on those occasions and too busy to take time for us.
But you see, this is the point. If we're afraid to live because we fear the wrath of what COULD happen, we'll never know what MIGHT happen. And this is how many live. It's not wrong or even bad to live that way. It's merely limited.
So for the one who has come to live out to the edges, life is never boring. And if a painting gives comfort and a sense of groundedness to the little one in you who didn't know where home was, you can carry that image in your heart and home is wherever you are.
Blessings to you this day,
Judith
We were standing in front of the limousine as the Temptations arrived and one-by-one they piled out. I remember the pink alligator shoe come out of the car, and there standing 3 feet from me was David Ruffin in a pink suit. This was Motown. And there wasn’t a style more fashionable or unique anywhere. As the song ended I thought, at 8 years old I wasn’t into girls. And the way I feel about that song and the title, my girl is and has always been my mom. The two of us are forever tied to my favorite song. And I will always have “Sunshine on a cloudy day....” because of her.
Hope you got to your destination in one piece!
Your point is sooo comfortable for me: ambiguity of events combined with uncertainty of outcomes are the frosting on life’s cake, when you embrace it, when you see it’s reality: moments to be felt, heard, tasted, seen, touched and appreciated from your finger tips to the soles of your soul. But, there is the other way it is too often seen….
The down side of ambiguous uncertainty is the way so many people lead their lives, with little definition or understanding of the gift they are given. The ability to set goals and adequately plan as they still manage to live in each moment can fall short so that they find themselves in a living limbo reflective of Thoreau’s “quite desperation” and Nietzsche’s pitiful staring.
The problem is that they can’t/won’t/don’t embrace the moments, or as our new Café visitor, mommytomany said, “hold on to the gift of ‘today.’” Moments of appreciation, gratitude, joy, love, and other positive points of living well are overshadowed by negativity leading to a hesitance to act in the present; to receive the present as the present it is.
The Watts’ quote your included is as you said, filled with imagery and wisdom reflecting the idea that each person’s journey “is” their destination; anything short of that, is short of really living, and certainly due a “makeover.”
Excitingly predictable? :p
Lawson
Lots of pies have juice!
As you said, insisting on certainty is to enclose yourself in predefined parameters, but to insist on the illusion of certainty is to live a lie in which you are not prepared for the eventual, inevitable shock of reality.
Usanufa tuxedo... ?
Lawson
By all means join me.
Thanks for visiting here at what we call the wisdom well. Welcome!
Blessings,
Judith
What seemed to work in 1982 but needs an update? Wow. That's tougher. Because even less seemed to work back in those nursery days and even more of it HAS been updated already. Except maybe the notion that the world of grown-ups really sucks and that folks are out there to get you. But wait, that's actually the truth! Alright, but it's about time I started lying about it...
OK, so some of us have farther back to look than others, and more material to work with.
But we could start with your premise that "the world of grown ups really sucks and people are out to get you." I'm sure you could find plenty of evidence that that's the truth. But check this out. It'll give you pause and you might want to think about the lying part.....
http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/pictures-that-will-restore-your-faith-in-humanity
And I'd guess by your screen name, you've given birth or at least nurtured a few others to walk the same path. It seems like we often require the "hard knocks" to wake us up. Sleep is just so much more comfortable!
No one ever said living in the present would be easy or comfortable, but it is where the "juice" is and I'll take it any day over clinging to something that no longer exists.
Bravo to you for waking up! Not everyone does.
Welcome here. Consider me your newest fan.
Blessings
Judith
I appreciate what you wrote! That gift of the present is so often overlooked or overshadowed by people searching for something that is simply not there anymore or is yet to arrive. Having discovered the "present" is a fine and bountiful gift to both receive and give... apparently you have engaged in both... well done!
Welcome to the cafe!
Lawson