Monday, Oct. 11, was National Coming Out day. Congratulations to anyone and everyone who came out of the closet that day.
How about y-o-u? Have you "come out"? Or did you think "coming out" is only for gay people? You might not be in a closet concerning your sexual orientation or gender identity, but as a human being, you're likely to be in some kind of closet.
Here's a good way to know if you are: Ask yourself the question: What am I pretending not to know about myself? If you spend the time and look deeply, you'll discover that there are thousands of answers to that question. This could be an inquiry worthy of a lifetime's contemplation. Every time you discover an answer, a new closet door opens and another piece of freedom bubbles up.
Here are a few closets you might discover in your inquiry:
1) The closet of unworthiness -- believing yourself not deserving of having loving relationships or being successful or abundant or having what you truly want. The result? Scarcity, lack and limitation, money issues, dysfunctional relationships, isolation, depression, are all evidence to prove yourself right. Are you ready to free yourself from that one?
2) The closet of self-judgment or self-condemnation -- holding yourself hostage to a belief that you're inferior, not capable, a failure or somehow broken -- you cancel your own vote before even getting started. The result? Health issues like heart disease, insomnia, weight gain or other body related issues, eating disorders. Is this belief moving you in the direction you want to go? Have you suffered enough yet? Isn't it time to let go and move on?
3) The closet of arrogance, superiority, self-righteousness -- which is really masking deep feelings of inferiority and insecurity. None of this is who you are. Why keep pretending? What is it costing you to be so hidden from yourself?
4) The closet of fear and mistrust -- Life is full of betrayals, and you've had your share of them. If you're in this closet, you keep yourself closed off, protecting that which you think you are, which is really an ego identity. F.E.A.R. is "False Evidence Appearing Real." You've fallen for the illusion. Isn't it time to get clear about the truth?
5) The closet of shame and guilt -- This is the mother of all closets. It's the one that holds all the rest and keeps the doors closed. Chances are extremely high that sometime in your past, you've done something that violated your inner sense of right and wrong. You knew better at the time, but you crossed a line within yourself and perhaps now you carry shame about it. The result? If you're holding on to either of these emotions, you've got yourself buried deep in the closet. Isn't it time you forgave yourself and came out? Are you ready to be free yet?
What does it mean to "come out"? And what does one "come out" to?
In the context of the National Coming Out Day, the Human Rights Campaign describes coming out as "the process in which a person first acknowledges, accepts and appreciates his or her sexual orientation or gender identity and begins to share that with others."
Let's expand that definition for the rest of us. And our gay brothers and sisters are welcome and included in this expanded definition as well. Try this on for size and tell us what you think:
Coming out is an act of personal liberation in which a person affirms and lays claim to the absolute truth of who he or she is. It is an act of acceptance, forgiveness, and gratitude for the gift of one's life and the courage to live it boldly, authentically, freely and passionately in alignment with one's highest good.
In that we are all connected, when one of us has the courage to lay claim to the truth of who we are, when we claim our personal liberation from all that has bound us and kept us hidden in the closets of our own making, when we come out, we inspire and empower others to do the same.
Just as we have been glued to the TV, watching those 33 Chilean miners gain their freedom after 69 days of being trapped underground, all of us feel freed. (An interesting observation on the recuse operations: the miners arrive in a desert as they reach the top. Given our discussion of "Crossing the Spiritual Desert" in last week's post, what do you make of that?)
Your liberation sets off ripples in the lives of those around you. Isn't it time you came out? Here's a little "booster" to help you take the first step. Complete this statement:
Today, I declare myself "out." I choose to liberate myself from _____ [type of closet] and lay claim to my _____ [highest good].
Let us hear your proclamation of liberation and coming out. Please leave your comments and share your stories below, or pay a visit to my personal website and blog at Rx for the Soul.
May I be the first to greet you as you emerge from the closet and on to your rightful path.
Many blessings,
Judith
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This post was great; it had many highs and a couple of... well... less than inspirational comments, which is OK because the fabric of discourse is often frayed at the edges. To me it shows not just how far we have come, but how far we've yet to go.
I am puzzled and a little disappointed though, I received email notifications of your comments that do not appear herein, along with one of mine which was not blocked by huffpost?? Any ideas?
Your faithful follower,
Lawson Meadows
I'd be happy to respond to you personally about this. judith@judithrich(dot)com.
Thanks!
I love your prolific "take" on the miners' rescue experience. Interesting observations on the symbolism and use of the term "nomad". Yes, we're all nomads of sorts, trying to make our way through the inner and outer deserts of life, not always being well equipped for the journey.
We have at our disposal, the greatest tool of all for dealing with life and that's our awareness, our ability to be self-reflective. We continue to make the journey from the known to the unknown and back again, trying to make sense of it all. As you have learned through hard work, the choice is to be authentic to who we are or to conceal ourselves inside the prison of our fears.
We celebrate the miners' liberation to freedom and send our blessings out to everyone that they may be released from fear and set free.
Blessings to you dear one,
Judith
So to continue on the returnees from out of time and space:
5 - "landing" in the desert. it's exactly what happens with space shuttle flights isn't it. and also, the desert is a deceiving place, nothing is as it seems. it all looks arid and of course full of shifting sands so nothing stays the same.
but it fact everything is simply hidden from view and you have to know how to look at it and for that a nomad's knowledge is essential or you die. they know how to find the life giving roots to sustain them, to knowing the habitats and habits of animals they can catch for food and most importantly, knowledge of the location of the oases is crucial to man and animal in the desert.
and what's fantastic is that the miners arose into the midst of an oasis of love and caring and sharing and wonder after traversing the desert of the spirit down below.
i bet you that the had already found their spiritual oases which culminated and matched beyond mere words their physical ascension.
That's my humble take on it. I could write more about this of course but i'm sure you get my drift.
Cheers
Catherine
1 - the drilling down into the dark cave. isn't that what we do as we evolve because we have to know what's down there that needs airing, clearing out or simply acknowledgement
2 - their reaction - after 17 interminable days of fear, anguish, terror, starvation and the incredible soul searching - of wanting to hug and kiss the drill is also quite telling as well. isn't that how we react (well, me anyway) when we finally break through the veil of resistance even though we may not like what we discover/uncover?
3 - the whole world was holding their breath in hope, not knowing if, how or when they would be saved, like the BP ecological disaster and murders (may they live in infamy!) reflects back at us the way we have to work "blind" on ourselves not knowing when we're going to make it through/out of the arid wilderness.
4 - and that capsule, my goodness - it returned them from out of time and space back into the "real" world as they knew it. they lived their 69 day journey in the dark cave of their subconscious and though they know it not, will never be the same again.
And last but not least - don't think I have much space so this is 1 of 2
Catherine
this is exactly where I am right now and in the process of beating myself up which I tend to do when I don't achieve my stated objective. Notwithstanding the fact that I know exactly why I didn't achieve it, that actually makes it worse and pisses me off even more since I am wholly and solely responsible for my thoughts and actions.
So my statement is - Today, I declare myself "out." I choose to liberate myself from self-denigration and fakery and I intend to lay claim to my magnificence and let it shine.
I KNOW it to be true that I AM magnificent but that bloody ego and my pain body, man, when they get together it's Havoc City. At times like these it makes me wonder if the fight is worth it.
I caught myself over a period of 3 weeks acting very inauthentic in order not to brusque the natives with whom I work as I am not your typical anything. So I was lying about who I was without saying anything.
That took some cogitation and soul searching. Thank goodness for my dreams which clarified everything and I sorted it in 5 days. I now feel like my normal self and they're having teething problems, hahaha.
Lots more work to do right now.
Cheers
Catherine
Good to see you here. Love and blessings to you and your daughter. Affirming our goodness is always healing.
In regard to this and your other comments herein, I find your approach troubling. You have assigned yourself the guardian of definition specificity, and though you may string words together well (though your keyboarding skills could improve), you are wading in waters where no one belongs.
All most people hear in your words are, “This phrase is mine, it’s mine I tell you, and you can’t have it… it is too specific and because of its history, it is sacrosanct! Let it alone, you don’t get my point, aaaargg! And don’t call me names!”
I admit amusement at your self-righteous grandstanding. However, I see danger. If people like you - who insist on a stagnant language - were to gain control over or even a modicum of influence with the gang at Oxford and other etymologists, the real beauty and diversity of language would be crushed under the heels of those with little understanding of it, or who simply want it their way… regardless. In your world, does “cool” just mean moderately cold, or is “gay” restricted to adopting a merry, lively mood?
I hope you will take the time to review your purpose and expectations in this regard. The way we express ideas through language must be massaged, expanded, bent, stretched, and finally accepted. Your approach, an approach of intolerance of change and growth by denial, would not only harm the language and its ideas, but eventually, its beautiful process.
Thoughtfully,
Lawson Meadows
For the Day of Coming Out, the the phrase "coming out of the closet" or "out of the closet" is a fine way to represent and zero in on the process, intent, and hopefully the unity of purpose that will be supported by all. Bravo!
However, the objection to using the "closet" phrase in a different, non-sexual orientation way seems potentially counter productive to me. Considering what is said about imitation and flattery, I would think the desire of others to use the "out of the closet" phrase for positive purpose, would be supported and shared, so that the whole process of realization of truth and acceptance by oneself and others may become a universal tag line for tolerance and the attainment of greater potentials by each of us regardless of the type of closet in which we find ourselves... I mean is not the idea to find ourselves and then open the door?
The "exclusive use" concept can drive a wedge where no need for one exists. "Co-opting" a phrase, usually means one sees value there, and as long as the purpose and intent is positive and can add to rather than distract from all of us playing together well... I see an advantage rather than a problem.
Think it over...
Lawson Meadows
You know people fight very hard to "come out" and it dilutes that act of courage to connect iit with a general lost of disquieting things in a person's world. There are plenty of other days of awareness out there, why not honor the act of courage by supporting people who are actually coming out as LGBT?
You imply that recognizing a special meaning for the term would "drive a wedge" between people when the whole point is to "come out" and be genuine in the world. I think you've missed the point and engaged in a classic problem. You want to be supportive but the only way you see to support is to crowd the stage.
One point of clarity: the troubles mentioned above have much more effective and longstanding metaphors used everyday. The shackles of guilt etc. Coming out has one very powerful metaphor. Using the closet metaphor in such a way is just opportunistic and dilutes both the act of courage for those who are GLBT and even for those suffering depression, anger etc.
Think about it.
I appreciate your instinct to be supportive. Just be careful not to marginalize meaning through the act of trying to identify with it.
Most people walk through life as prisoners of what other people think. Their lives revolve around what their neighbors will think, what others will say, whether others will find them attractive, and so on. It’s all tied in to self-worth, self-judgment, insecurities, fear, shame, etc.
When you stop caring about what others think, you liberate yourself. You are free to live your life as YOU want to live it and not by what others think.
At this point in my life I no longer really care about what others think about me, or I try not to care. I’m free to do what I want, think what I want and so on. For me, that has been coming out of the closets that you speak of.
Your mama was a wise woman. She taught you well!
Yours is the ultimate liberation. It comes from knowing and accepting that who you are is not defined by what others think of you. This is a hard lesson for most people, one that doesn't usually come without hard work and in most cases, extensive suffering. But it is the ultimate truth we must come to know about ourselves.
I bow to your liberation, for in it, you demonstrate the possibility for others. In sharing it here, you illuminate a path of freedom for those who don't yet know how to break their own chains of bondage.
Blessings,
Judith
One of the teachings for me with my post-op hobble, is that everything gives us a new chance to awaken and claim what's been hiding inside us...the good, the bad, the ugly. Some behaviors/motivations and intentions are not so pretty, and yet, they, too have the right to be embraced. Without them, growth stays in the closet, too. We are truly masterpieces in process, even on bad hair days, even when facing bias in ourselves as well as others. It all begins with opening the door and coming out to play, keeping possibility alive.
Love your way, and to your readers, too,
Cara
What can I say to you other than "You are simply the BEST!" On so many levels, you demonstrate the truth of what you speak. I know that closet doors are simply thin veils concealing our goodness from ourselves. The moment we have the courage to pierce through them, this truth of our goodness is revealed.
May you continue to heal and gain new strength and clarity from this journey you're on. I know that we're all the beneficiaries of the wisdom you gain through your daily revelations along the way.
Much love to you,
Judith
hugs doc! you always are good medecine
Being in the closet is not "What am I pretending not to know about myself?" it is the courage to show the world what you are, what you know for sure, but can no longer bear the weight of hiding. It is the courage to expose these truths with the knowledge that they will face the contempt of many who were counted as friends. That the would be regarded as less than full citizens by there governments. To declare that your body, your sexuality, your very being is a battle ground in the struggle for civil rights.
The closets are not of are own making. the are part of the architecture of oppression.
So you know what? No. I am not prepared to have this most important, potent and very specific revolutionary concept transfered into yet another pseudo-psych, feel good, catch all phrase.
I cannot disagree with what you say. Your premise, as you've articulated it, about closets is definitely one way of seeing it and I appreciate this point of view and the wisdom it contains. You are pointing to what is hidden inside the closet, the truth of our goodness and beauty and you are so right to point this out. Thank you.
I have pointed to the false beliefs that keep us imprisoned inside those closets, the walls that form the closet itself. Both points of view are worthy of examination. There is more to this inquiry and surely this will inform future posts.
Thanks for your sharing,
Judith
I made a very specific editorial comment directly related to the article, and find myself personally insulted over issues that have nothing to do with the issues at hand. Talk about intolerance.
I was never really loved as a kid, in fact I was hated or neglected by just about everyone. It was much easier to pretend to be a completely different person and be someone that I know other people would like because I was conforming myself to fit what they wanted all in a desire to be liked.
No one knows the real me because I learned from experience at an early age that the real me wasn't someone to be liked and proud of. It was someone who was despised by all and something to be ashamed of. A person completely unlovable. The only place where I can be who I am is on the internet. Where no one will ever get the chance to really see me, the person, for who I am. I am just an avatar on a website. A mind behind the screen. My physical self separate from who I am inside.
At 21, I have moved 23 times and I've lived under more than one alias.
You gotta get therapy. The defenses you've built up, the coping skills that worked with your messed-up family, do you a disservice now that you're out in the world, and I know that the last thing you want to do is open up to a stranger, but they can help you.
If you're like my-ex, you'll come up with all kinds of excuses why therapist x won't work, what's wrong with him/her.
You should just buckle down and do it. She didn't. Now she's moved yet again across the country, and yet again is failing at her "new life".
I'm very sorry you had such a horrendous childhood. It's not necessary to know the details of what happened to you to feel compassion for you as a fellow human being.
I'm wondering how you got through it, because whatever it was in you that had you survive is a glimpse into who you really are. Who you are is not the one who felt despised and unloveable, which is not to say you didn't have those feelings. Who you are is the one who had the courage and determination to keep going (like the Chilean miners) in the face of unspeakable conditions.
You have a "hard" story and still you go on. I only hope and pray that you find a way to reach out to someone. Find a priest, a minister, a rabbi, someone you can tell the truth to. What you're doing is not healthy. If I can help you locate someone, please contact me at the email address provided. I'm listening.
Bless you,
Judith
Religion and I don't get along very well. It's kind of hard to really take them seriously when you've had a life where you know if there were a god it wouldn't have gone as it had. The whole "god has a plan" thing doesn't really work with me. Eh, it could be worse. I'm very enigmatic.
I have had my share of closets. It is the ones I still have, and am not aware of, that are the kickers!
So the game I am playing at the moment is keeping the doors open - to anything and everything. If I wish to pass through, I can. More proactively, I am inviting opportunities from my sweet Universe to come out and Be more of who I am. Invitations have been arriving! Fun game.
In fact, part of my game is recognizing the Extraordinary in others and calling them out to play.
Loving and appreciating you as always,
Anne
It's good to hear from you and to know that this time away from the Living page is allowing you a fun and nurturing adventure. I love the "keeping the doors open" game. It's amazing what flows through!
I can't wait to read what you write out of this experience. Here's to more extraordinary play!
Much love back to you,
Judith
I love this! Thank you! You and I are so on the same wavelength. I've been thinking about this article for a long time, and it's aswesome to see you reflecting my thoughts. I've even thought about a book along these lines, I won't get more specific than that here, but as I read this article I wonder if perhaps there's a co-project looming in our future :-)
Love you,
Jason
No surprise here, as this subject has resonated with me for decades and has so much potential for development. I'm all ears when you're ready to "come out" with ore information. Meanwhile a collaborative project sounds intriguing. Let me know if/when you want to discuss further.
Right back at you,
Judith