That we live in a world characterized by one-upmanship and competition is painfully obvious to anyone who doesn't live in a cave. Other than shedding excess weight, as in the TV show "The Biggest Loser," where the biggest loser becomes the biggest winner, people rarely volunteer to lose.
The need and desire to win is baked into our DNA as our earliest ancestors, those who survived, did so because they overcame great obstacles and prevailed in the face of what often looked like certain defeat. The quest for survival required human beings to be smarter and quicker than the forces that could destroy them. Fortunately, we humans came fully equipped with the brainpower to think and invent our way to victory, thus insuring the survival of our species.
So it should come as no surprise that today, we are obsessed with winning, even when it may no longer be a question of physical survival. The quest for power, and the spoils that go with it, has replaced survival as the primary motivation for winning today. And the spoils have never been greater.
What Does It Mean To 'Win' In Today's World?
Winning, as defined in modern society, is about coming out on top, "taking out" one's opponents, defeating the competition. It's about proving superiority and enjoying the power that goes with it. This notion of winning requires that there be losers. In politics, business and on the athletic field, there are winners and there are losers.
Winning on the athletic field is one thing; taking illegal drugs to do so is another. Beating the competition in business is one thing; producing harmful products in order to cut costs and gain market share is another. Winning in politics is one thing; lying about one's qualifications or opponent's record to do so is another.
Yet because winning so often trumps integrity and ethics in the world today, the game of life is increasingly played with little or no regard for the impact on the greater good. If winning requires that you sell your soul, compromise your values or do harm to others, this can hardly qualify as a win. Something much more important has been lost in the process, and everybody ends up losing.
What if our most important endeavors in life, the ones that determine the direction of our country, dictate the quality of our relationships and define us as human beings, could be structured in such a way that everybody wins? Is that even possible? What is gained and what is lost in the process of creating win/win results in life?
A Cosmic Demonstration?
We need only look to a group of modern cave men to discover an extraordinary example of playing win/win. A few months back, the world witnessed the miraculous rescue of 33 miners, trapped for 69 days in a Chilean mine. As each one emerged from their rescue capsule alive and well, we cheered their return. We cheered for the men and their families, for the Chilean government for its flawless execution, for the Chilean people and this good news after a long series of tragedies affecting their country. And we cheered for ourselves, as members of the human family, for in the moment of their triumphant rescue, something in us was renewed.
We desperately needed to be reminded that it's possible for people to work together in cooperation and have everyone come out a winner. Watching those miners taking turns returning to the surface, waiting patiently underground after having been trapped in their earthly tomb for nearly 70 days, demonstrated the best traits of mankind.
I actually wondered at the time while watching the rescue operation on CNN, whether this was a great cosmic demonstration, a kind of visual aid, designed specifically for the benefit of humanity just so we could get the teaching about the power of cooperation.
Playing Win/Lose In Relationships
Yet winning and losing are endemic to life in the 21st century. For example, look at your most important relationships. Does someone have to lose in order for you to win? Who do you criticize, judge or make feel small so that you can feel good about yourself?
When the people you care about aren't winning, guess what? Neither are you! When your boss or co-workers aren't winning, neither are you. When your husband, wife, children and friends aren't winning, neither are you. In fact, if you were really smart, you'd make it your job to see that everyone around you is winning, being empowered and uplifted, alive to their highest possibilities. This is the kind of difference we can all make for others. Why do we make that so difficult?
Redefining What It Means To Win
The old paradigm of "I win, you lose" is no longer sustainable. It's not necessary that someone lose in order for someone else to win. You'll argue that athletics are an exception, yet note that in the Special Olympics, a different paradigm prevails and everyone is a winner.
In a world of upheaval and unprecedented change, in a world where the individual has little control, where uncertainty reigns and no one knows what tomorrow will bring, it will be the ways in which we collaborate with one another that will lift us out of survival, help to smooth out the rough edges and make life worth living. In the aftermath of the earthquake and tsunami in Japan, it's been people taking care of each other, making sure that even small amounts of uncontaminated water and food supplies are shared among family and neighbors, that has made the difference for those who've survived.
Another Cosmic Demonstration?
Are the Japanese giving us another lesson in how life works in the new paradigm? Given that we are moving from the age of greed, competition, fear and control to the age of love, cooperation and balance, it's not too far-fetched to think that the curriculum is being laid out in plain sight for anyone awake enough to decipher it.
Look at what happened in Egypt. Another perfect demonstration! How much more evidence do we need that the universe is trying to teach us how to make our way through this time of turbulence? It seems clear that we're being steered in the direction of discovering the benefits of collaboration and cooperation. We ignore these wake up calls at our own peril.
Here are some ideas for how to embody a consciousness of win/win:
Resolve to help evolve the collective consciousness from fear, competition and greed to love, collaboration and balance. It really is up to each one of us to determine how this thing is going to work out. So let's get busy. We've got a lot of living left to do.
How does win/win live for you? How does it look in your relationships? Who needs to win in your life who hasn't been winning? How can you empower them?
Please leave your thoughts and comments in the space below, and while you're snooping around the web, come on over to my personal blog and website at Rx For The Soul. Drop me a line at judith@judithrich.com, and click "Become a Fan" at the top of the page to be notified when new posts appear.
I'll be on spring break for the next two weeks. See you down the path where the road bends into May.
Many blessings!
Follow Dr. Judith Rich on Twitter: www.twitter.com/dr_judithrich
Anthony Lake: Special Olympics 2011: Including the Most Excluded
I also love the idea of taking the lead, not waiting for someone else to go first to do the right thing, the kind thing, or to take a risk. In the "game of life", I think we have to move in the direction of collaboration and cooperation and the use of our individual and collective talents for the greater good, as was done on a small scale with the trapped Chilean miners and is being done on large scale by the Japanese in the face of natural and humanitarian catastrophe.
Thanks for your thought-provoking and important post.
I deliberately empower the young and the very old (if receptive) because I love listening and soaking in their wisdom.
I've been keeping company with an 87 year old who's dying of intestinal cancer. A wonderful sloughing off process for rebirth..The pain of course is tremendous and yet she says that I uplift her every day and am teaching her - acceptance that there is more than this flesh and how easy it is to leave it.
I understand when someone enters my life it is to teach me something as this Lady has about acceptance and keeping the faith when all seems to be against you.
You can empower others by not being their reflection (not re-acting) when they show you a "bad" face. Their energy shift is quite astounding.
Allowing others to be themselves & recognising their actions have nothing to do with me is liberating for all as it seems to tune them into themselves in some way.
Boundaries are powerful opportunities for change. It demands respect though others may be unfamiliar with it. When there's no emotional charge they get deflected & are obliged to act differently in order to receive a response.
Living my truth means looking for the light and not at the shadows. This seems to have a beneficial effect on others.
And acknowledging that I really don't know a damn thing invites tuition.
Cheers Judith
Catherine
A mighty wise woman you are, indeed!
"Living my truth means looking for the light and not at the shadows. This seems to have a beneficial effect on others".
I'll say! This is really how to empower others' winning, for within each one of us is that light, the perfection we are at the core and within each is the shadow, the part we've not yet fully embraced and made whole.
Most people fear their shadow and mistakenly think that's who they are. Because there's so much shame associated with it, the shadow part becomes even darker, and it appears to blot out the light. But the light is always there, just as the sun is sometimes hidden behind the clouds. Recognizing the light in another, not only empowers them to shine brighter, it polishes the diamond within ourselves.
You indeed are a diamond my dear, and not "in the rough".
Keep shining! Much love,
Judith
I popped back on and saw your comment; within and between the words, the following occurred:
EMPOWERED
Alone in the surf as waves break
Rhythmic beats across my mind.
I find the wash and wisdom’s splash
Against what I was, transforming.
Each wave a promise of liberation
As boundaries are pounded and rebound.
I stand my ground and lift my sights
From the give and take of emotion.
Settling now for more acceptance and faith
In the face of those moments to be lost in time.
Holding my own yet sharing my light
As it grows, living in the truth I find.
What I know is a speck on the beach,
Washed and drained of my ego.
I pay my dues and spend my moments
Willingly embracing my fate.
R. Lawson Meadows
:)
We are consumed with winning,and being winners.The concept of a "win-win "paradigm is alien to our way of thinking.yet it the the way of nature.In nature everything wins.Survival depends on every speciesand organism winning.Get rid of one and there is a domino effect.Get rid of the plankton in the ocean and soon all life on earth will cease.the full impact of our "win-lose" way of life has not hit us as yet,butit is coming.Think of our bodies-every cell has to be a winner-any loser and we perish-it is the way of nature.We have to change our attitude and the way we thing about winning and losing.
I couldn't agree more that the full impact of our current way of life is being felt more and more. We can only hope that the species wakes up in time to reverse course, or....... but then, who knows? I don't like to sound apocalyptic, for I truly believe mankind is capable of transforming itself and becoming the fulfillment of its potential.
We are each a demonstration of that potential in every moment as we attune ourselves and align with the highest and best within. We all are Love made manifest.
Here's to Love that always wins!
My best to you,
Judith
I think I got this from my mother. Growing up with three siblings and all of us super intense, my mother would tell us over and over "there doesn't have to be a loser". Of course when we were young, playing board games or racing to put puzzles together or shooting hoops in the driveway, that concept didn't quite make sense. But as I've gotten older I've realized that I have completely incorporated that reference into my own life and live by it. As a grad student, I compete *against myself*, not against my colleagues. As a mom, I don't need to compete *against* my teen. As an employee I don't feel any need to win at the expense of a fellow employee's gifts or position. What a liberating experience, and one I try to pass on at every opportunity.
You said something in this piece that resonates with me: "People want to feel like they matter and that their presence makes a difference." With everything in me, I try to give the message to everyone I impact every day, that they DO matter, they DO make a difference. I believe that by more and more of us relaying this message, there will be less emotional wounding, and more building each other up.
No wonder you're the "hope" coach! You just keep on empowering people in knowing they matter. I'm always amazed when I meet people in the seminars I lead, who have no idea that they matter or that they could matter. Most people don't grow up with parents or teachers who teach that.
We all the "hope" coaches we can find...... so glad you're "on duty".
Bless you!
Judith
That's a great life lesson, and I wish you every blessing as you try to convince others to see the light. Heaven knows that the "fields are ripe for harvest" - our country still seems to be obsessed not only with winning itself, but by redefining "winning" to say "if someone else loses, I win even if I didn't gain a thing."
Having been raised in the UK and moved to the US at the age of 32 it has been a big adjustment to move from a society that expects some level of caring for the less fortunate to one where anything that helps other people is a hotly contested topic!
Unfortunately the pursuit of profits often means that people get greedy and see helping others as taking something away from them (time, money, resources) instead of it giving them something... by essentially making them a better person.
I also believe that the only way to get what you want is to focus on ensuring that you're really happy with the life your living and while money is an important factor, material things (a new dishwasher for example) do not bring lasting happiness. I think it comes the depth of your relationships with other people and what you're contributing to the world. Money, on the other hand, often makes people selfish and judgmental
I think you have a lot of company who share your sentiments..........
It boggles the mind to watch our national politics and the games being played. On the other hand, I do believe we are watching the unraveling of an entire system based on greed and dominance. Hopefully, we're in the last gasp of the struggle.
I do agree that we must take responsibility for creating our own experience and making sure that we stay aligned with the higher values of co-operation and collaboration. Maybe in the short term it will look like that's a "losing" position, but I don't think the current model can be sustained much longer.
Many blessings to you, my dear And thanks for dropping by. Consider me your newest fan!
Best to you,
Judith
Somehow, I've stopped receiving your updates. Thank you for this beautiful post.
In my experience the need to win at someone's loss is derived from a deep societal belief that it is the only way to "get ahead". It's a narrow view because when I hurt you, I hurt myself, when I heal you I heal myself. In the short term winning with a clear loser seems okay for the winner, but time and cycles show us that ultimately we need each other. Viewed from a high enough altitude this becomes clear. Thank you for soaring and seeing for us.
Cynthia
Indeed welcome back! It's good to see you back here. Meanwhile, I've been visiting your site and enjoying your writing very much.
We are in such a time now (gov't shutdown, "playing chicken" with the budget, etc.) where the win/lose lose/lose paradigm is in full blossom and we are all witnessing the worst in human behavior. I really do not understand what is so hard to get about working together for the common good. But that's another post.....
Your presence and contributions are always a breath of fresh air. Thanks for stopping by......
Bundles of blessings,
Judith
Finite and Infinite Games is a wonderful resource- thank you! www.theinfinitegames.org
I think people are getting smarter, though. My company is finding it harder to force people to move their families just to get a little more pay, and I'm finding a younger generation that is more idealistic and, at least for now, seems willing to sacrifice something to hold to those ideals. Maybe there will be no more Enrons.
Wow.... you've witnessed the crumbling consciousness from the inside. Your description of the now empty Enron building is an iconic example of the direction the collective consciousness is moving. It is being exposed for what it has become; an empty shell that does not sustain life.
Yes, we are slowly evolving, getting "smarter" and hopefully wiser and that evolution is accelerating. The sooner we make the shift within ourselves to living as part of a connected whole, to knowing that ultimately, the individual cannot profit at the expense of others, the sooner everyone gets to realize their true potential. Let Enron be an example of the dying consciousness.
Now it's time to create a whole new breed of organization. Towards that end, I recommend a book and web site: www.theinfinitegames.org. It has already begun.
Blessings be with you,
Judith
Once again you push my awareness… I read what you wrote, then sat and let it percolate. There’s a universal application for your ideas, not just to win, but to ensure others win, and in my arena that means kids.
The seeds of one paradigm shift are in the parental mind set. When parents loosen their grip on dominance and competition and adopt the context you suggest, so kids are not part of a competition with others; when they are eager for their kids to “win” on their terms rather than those of the parents, then the shift will gain motion and momentum.
Parents need to practice what they preach, but preaching is not just in what they say, but what they do, think, dream, commit to, and believe… the examples their kids emulate.
Some parents exclude kids from daily processes and decisions, thereby excluding them from the family. Kids are more than just baggage; they are baggage with brains, emotions, ideas, dreams, opinions, passions, and potentials. When you exclude your kids, you both lose.
Being kind springs from empathy: It is not a requirement, is it a developed attitude, and parents are the first architects. In fact, parents are in a position to be the one, the first one, in a potentially long line of firsts ones, by transforming the family relationships, so their kids can evolve that “collective consciousness” to which you referred, and truly be empowered winners.
Thanks for the push…
Lawson
Great insights and so important that the shift includes the children. They are the future! I think the truth is, kids inherently "get" this concept, it's the adults who condition it out of them. Children learn what they live. As you so beautiful put it, parents have the perfect opportunity to help shape the future as the "first architects". I love this!
As always, your contributions help to evolve our discussions here. I treasure you!
Many blessings,
Judith
You've raised an interesting point. There ARE people who are mean and bully others. And the political arena is a prime example. What do we do in the face of such behavior? How do we be?
This is the whole point of my article. It's easy to be empower those who share our values or who are 'nice people', etc. The real work is to elevate your own game, stay aligned with your own values and not be pulled down to the level of mean just because others may live there. The truth about mean people is that underneath, they're hurting, which is why they strike out at others.
If you can't find a way to disarm them, steer clear. No need to "get lost" in feeling good. That's just another way of falling asleep. We're about waking up, and staying awake no matter what's going on "out there".
Best to you
Judith
Well, congrats on the clear mammogram! Me too! Just had my 2nd follow up mammo (surgery nearly 2 years ago) and was so relieved to have the "all clear' signal! Yes this is indeed a huge win.
I have to agree that a "win" is seriously redefined as we age. For some, just being able to stand upright is a win. So that's what I mean..... how we define "winning" really determines our experience.
In the larger context, can everyone be a winner? Can everyone win? Even as it appears at the surface that one "lost"? Perhaps there are different "spoils" to be had from losing that might even eclipse those from "winning". Some of our greatest lessons come from defeat. I'd call that a win.
Yes, a win... everyday is a win, but in relation to your 14 years past, I hope I get the same gift: my dad died at 93 and mom is still kicking at 95... I can hope. :)
Lawson
Beautiful, beautiful piece. This is your voice in virtual technicolor. You ask three questions, (and imply others) so here it goes:
How does win/win live for you? For me, there is no life when there is not win/win. The whole dance begins in the mirror, first. If I am playing win/lose with myself, it will only spill out into the waters of others as toxic waste.
How does it look in your relationships? The best answer would come from those who know me.
Who needs to win in your life who hasn't been winning? How can you empower them? They know their names. What can I do? Be the best invitation I can by surrendering to who I am most naturally. It all boils down to 'trust the process, ' which is one of my mantras.
Bless you and your readers,
Cara
Let me say that having known you for well, a very long time, I can testify that I don't know anyone more adept at empowering others than you, my dear. And your offerings here are a demonstration of just that.
Thanks for all that you are and all that you do......
Much love to you,
Judith
Well, I do agree, however, I think we're talking about an entirely different "animal" than the kind of winning Charlie Sheen is talking about. He is a perfect example of the" anti-win."
Very good distinctions and thank you for bringing them.
Much love,
Judith
I was a fan after reading most of the comment, but the "finger in your chili." sealed it. The sad part is that too often there are "parts" found in products now, so self-regulation, unfortunately, remains a dream until the mind-set changes.
You were correct that "cutting costs" is a key to Judith's concept. I think what needs to change is the apparent willingness to risk "getting away with it."
If you look at it in another way, that chili company is giving you the finger... :)
Lawson Meadows