I had never seen anyone die before. My dad went peacefully but still, it was awfully hard to watch. I had my hand on his forehead the whole time. My siblings each held a hand or rested their hand on his leg. His heart -- he had an amazingly strong heart -- stopped beating first. His breathing stopped in fits and starts after that. Maybe two minutes. Maybe three. Those are minutes I will never forget.
What has been most remarkable to me, first with my mom's passing three years ago and now with my dad's, is the light it sheds on the relationship among my sister, two brothers and me. There are certainly families who are closer than we have been, yet in these times, I am really proud of how respectful and loving we've been to each other.
Tonight we sat in my dad's living room and began the conversation about who would take what. Pictures, paintings, furniture, silver and on and on. A lifetime of memories for each of us, to be divided four ways. What were the one or two things each of us wanted most? And what five or 10 things would we like to have? We talked about 100 items over the next three hours, and in the end, each of us took exactly what he or she wanted and not one thing was disputed. Not a single thing. That seems impossible, right? But I don't believe it was an accident. I think each of us knew at some level what our siblings desired and we wanted them to have it.
It's the end of an era. My parents lived wonderful, long lives. They raised a beautiful family. We are now the elders, the next in line to go. That's a new thing for me and not so much fun to think about. Tonight, though, I am thinking about the words I will share with the people who come to my dad's service. I am not sure what I will say, but I know I will be surrounded by my family and all will be well.
To Dr. Schall: Thank you for sharing your loving story so openly. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my "husband" (we weren't legally married, but together 7 years) about 5 weeks ago. I too was with him when he passed. As brutally difficult as it is to see a loved one take their final breath, you should realize that, by being there and touching him and conveying your love, you gave him a wonderful gift. I wish you and your family the very best in the coming days.
After the funeral my mother did something that at the time infuriated me. The after the funeral meal was a party atmosphere. People were toasting. I couldn't understand why. Now that I look back, and am a lot older I understand. Mom was celebrating dad's life as she regaled everyone with stories of him especially about his baseball stuff and everyone was toasting his life. Dad would've liked that. We often talked about when he would pass since he was sick and he said he didn't want anyone to be sad. He wanted to be remembered with joy. The most unnerving thing about his passing was when he passed he looked directly at me. Only two things I have of his. The picture of a horse I gave him for Christmas 1988, and his smiling picture that mom always had displayed. Dad's in my living room watching over me. Dad was a pretty great dad.