I ♥ Dr. Laura Berman, Sex Expert Extraordinaire

This week, sex therapist Dr. Laura Berman offered sage advice on Oprah. The woman in question had been faking orgasms for 24 years with her husband. Dr. Berman's advice to her and to women across America? Start telling the truth!

As appalling as this sounds to all the coquettes out there, apparently, women are not as happy in the sack as they should be. This is not news to many, but it's the first time I have heard it spoken this clearly and directly on national television.

Dr. Berman deserves kudos for it.

The good doctor did three extraordinary things with this show. First, she normalized the "eh-ness" of many women's sex lives. The Oprah site claims that over 70% of women have faked an orgasm at least once, if not multiple times. Clearly, many women are not having a great time in bed, and are so eager to get it over with they fake it to be "finished already."

This is not terribly surprising considering the high standards we have set for women's sexuality. We are supposed to look like porn stars, have sex like one of the guys, and enjoy it like nymphomaniacs. The images we have of sex in the media are a case in point. Dr. Berman rightly argues that sex scenes in movies and on television are unrealistic.

"[During] every orgasm, you're not going to hear 'The Star-Spangled Banner,' and it's not going to be this huge, earth-shattering event." Think Samantha in the Sex and The City hanging off the chandeliers with her latest beau, or being laid against a fire-truck, and you get the point.

I teach a third year undergraduate Psychology of Women class and have heard these stories before. Again and again students come up to me after class to tell me about their 'sexual dysfunctions', which in fact, are not dysfunctions at all, but simply the norm. They think something is wrong with them for not wanting to have sex as often as their partners, or for failing to reach orgasm every time.

One of the things the students are most surprised to learn is that what is defined as sexual dysfunction by the medical establishment, can also be attributed to environmental factors. Women are overworked, stressed out, and doing double duty shifts at home and at work. Is it fair to label them with a "sexual arousal" disorder, or are they just exhausted and need their partners to do the dishes in order to feel romantic?

Indeed, environmental factors play a key role in women's sexual well-being. The second issue Dr. Berman talked about on the show was how women's sexual histories affect their sex lives as adults.

Childhood sexual abuse is a huge issue. How to define it is tricky, but research in has found that anywhere from 35 % to 75% of women have experienced some kind of sexual abuse in their lifetimes. Even if we took a conservative, mid-point estimate, it would mean that half of the female population has been sexually harassed or abused. That doesn't just go away because you grow up.

For example, a 2008 article in Psychology of Women Quarterly written by two psychologists, Lemieux and Byers, found that women who had been sexually abused as children were more likely to have casual, unprotected sex, or to abstain from sex all together. These women enjoyed sex less, and had lower "sexual self-esteems" than women who had not been abused.

Finally, Dr. Berman implored women to speak up and ask for what they want in bed. This is great. But it's also hard. My friends and I talk about this often. Being unable to ask for you want is not always about being unassertive or wimpy. Sometimes it's about the messages we got about sex when we were younger. Silence is a big one. I have been in more than one situation where I felt uncomfortable or harassed when being 'hit on' by a man. I was taught that sometimes the best thing to do is grin and bear it until you can get out of the situation.

The advice to stay silent speaks volumes about what this culture considers sexually appropriate for men and women. If we can't speak up in situations where we feel uncomfortable or bad, how are we supposed to speak up about what feels healthy and good?!

Dr. Berman doesn't have all the answers, but she certainly has the right questions. Better yet, she makes it possible for other women to tell the truth about their lives. Adrienne Rich said it best when she wrote, "when a woman tells the truth she is creating the possibility for more truth around her." Hear hear!!

Comments

[RobinSeattle]

Sex is a pretty complicated issue between partners and the ability to talk honestly about it at the outset of a relationship is essential. For me, if she isn't enjoying it, I'm not, either, especially as the point of a relationship is to help each other enjoy life while sharing love.

The other thing is that just because you have the parts to do the deed and genuinely like your partner, it doesn't necessarily mean you will have great sexual chemistry together. There are also people who have great sexual chemistry but don't necessarily dig the other person holistically that much. So what do you do? That is a decision you have to make honestly and realize what consequences are going to ensue with the decision.

The main thing I urge everyone to do is to decide what it is specifically you want out of a relationship and don't settle for less. It is your one shot at living and you should make the best of it, including in bed.

[Scripto-paloozo]

An interesting, thoughtful post. And, for a man, a somewhat frustrating one. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the obstacles women face in voicing their sexual needs. But men too, face serious challenges in this area, have pressures (if you'll pardon the expression) thrust upon them. If a man can't "get it up" on demand, he is...."condemned" is a strong word, but you get the drift. So much of the popular rhetoric subtly frames men as the villains in this dilemma. But they are victims too.

[Larty]

Granek is spot on in this article. Many women are still in relationships that are far from egalitarian. Rather than wondering why their partners are not superstars in the bedroom, men sould ask themselves this: When was the last time I worked 40+ hours a week, picked up the kids, made dinner, cleaned house and ran all the errands? Here's a hint: the times that I feel most romantic and desire intimacy with my partner are the occsions when I feel most relaxed and without a million things to do.

[cayuse]

It is interesting that the richest men have turn the motive of sex into wealth. And they learned it early and well. That although many maintain a sexual appitite they all used this energy not for rolling in the sach, but rolling in the doe.

Women must be truthful to themselves like you say, and we all must or we don't evolve mentally. As important is for a woman to take responsibility for and charge of her actions and relationships. It takes two tangle and have vigina or clitoral orgasm, but a tangle with themselve will promote knowledge of their own body and their needs in regards to sex and orgasm. Without knowledge how can we share what we have or need

Relationship is compliated because it involves two and as you say more than sex. Truth is the first step in relationships that seek a common purpose and direction.

[apple54]

Dr. Berman and Dr. Granek both draw our attention to the silence around women's sexuality and women's sexual health.

We, as women, are given "sex ed" in school but this so called education merely imparts knowledge of the physical parts and often focuses on the male orgasm. While I do see the need for open discourse among adult women I think it is also important that we begin to think about what we are teaching our children, especially young girls. "Sex ed" needs to start actually educating young women and girls about their bodies and stop teaching heteronormative ideas about sex and sexuality.

Thanks Dr. Granek for giving voice to this issue.

[historymatters]

It can be incredibly difficult to find reliable information about women's sexuality issues, especially if they're only looking on the Internet or in women's magazines. For anyone who's dealing with any concern about their sexuality, they should find a doctor they trust and are comfortable talking to. Planned Parenthood can help you find a good doctor if you don't have one. There are a lot of options available - medical, sociological, and psychological research has come a long, long way in the past twenty years! No one should have to suffer in silence over this.

[Chicagoan2]

So very true.

[Baracoa]

A great article about the continuing problems that women have when they think that they are not normal...and more specifically...not good enough. It is important to add to this though, that all too often the mixed messages about how a women should think and behave with respect to sex come from sources that claim to be feminist but that are really just pushing a particular, unflinching and unreflexive moral agenda. Watching a Tyra Banks show the other day on Natalie Dylan's decision to auction off her virginity (I see on the right sidebar of this article that the Huffington Post has also covered this story) I was shocked at the host's degrading language and behaviour when talking to the extremely articulate and aware Dylan. Sure, we all have our own boundaries about what kind of sex is 'wrong', and we need to think critically about those who seem to traverse boundaries in patterned ways (like selling sex for example)...but aren't Tyra Banks and many many many others who call themselves feminists just contributing to the demonizing of a womans' relationship to sex? Aren't they adding fuel to the fire of a mysoginist culture that tells women that they can't decide what their own 'normal' is?

[MJSGK]

This post makes some really interesting points about our own self image as women and the need to learn to not only articulate what it is that we want but also to ask oneself that question so as to be able to articulate it. Most of us do not sufficient self awareness to know what we want . This invitation to look at what we want and articulate that truth is timely.