Who Wants to be the Goose Anyways?! Why Being Single Doesn't Suck
When I was little there were three games that I hated with a passion.
The first was Duck Duck Goose. The anxiety of never knowing when you were going to be tapped "goose" was painful. The only thing worse than being tapped, was not being tapped, because it meant you weren't chosen.
The second game was Red Rover. I hated running, I still hate running, and being captured in a net of arms is almost as uncomfortable as breaking through the human barrier.
But, the bane of my existence, the game that truly sent chills up my spine and filled me with overwhelming dread was Musical Chairs. You had to move fast or you would be left standing alone with no chair, no home, and no friends. I hated that there wasn't enough for everyone. I hated when I was left chairless, and I hated when anyone else was left standing too. I offered to share my seat on a number of occasions, but my kindergarten teacher, compelled to teach us the rules of this frighteningly capitalist game, discouraged us by taking the two rebel socialists out of the running.
Twenty-five years later and I am again feeling like the odd one out. But this time, the proverbial chair has turned into The Partner.
Every single one of my friends is married or in a long-term relationship. Every. Single. One. I don't know how this happened. Most of us are not even thirty yet. And then, one day I woke up and everyone had paired off in some weird Noah's Arkesque compulsion.
For the most part this doesn't bother me. I am searching for Mr. Right and it's always buzzing around in my mind, but it's not the centerpiece of my life, and it certainly doesn't keep me up at night. It will happen when it will happen, I tell myself. And if it doesn't happen, well, then, I'll do what I always do, pull myself together and make the most out of my situation. This is how I feel on the good days.
But the bad days can be brutal.
One thing that I have learned is that the bad days are usually instigated by other people's anxieties about my singleness. That is, I don't worry about it until I'm told to be concerned by others. It's a bit like Duck Duck Goose again. You don't really want to be tapped, but it worries you that you aren't being chosen because everyone else seems to want to be the Goose.
Indeed, the Goose question comes up daily. The first thing my girlfriends ask when I speak to them is if I'm dating anyone new. My parent's friends and my relatives say things like "next time it will be you" at all the weddings, baby names, bris', and engagement parties we are invited to. My colleagues want to know who I met over the weekend and whether he was cute.
I find this incredibly strange. Many of my married friends talk about how hard their relationships are and how they wish they could get a break from the kids. My extended family and my parent's friends have been through their fair share of painful divorces that they are still recovering from years later, and those who remain together seem pretty miserable to me. When I think of this, I can't help wondering, why I would want to be the damn Goose anyways?!
And then there is the mysterious disappearance of the rest of my personality in these conversations. I am a writer. I am a researcher. I work full time in a health care setting. I travel. I like esoteric movies and abstract art. I take African dance classes. I read constantly. I have a rich social network and a bright future to look forward to in my profession. Why doesn't anyone ever ask me about these things? Like I said, it's strange.
I suppose the wish to be like everyone else, or alternatively, to have everyone else be like you is natural. We are relational beings and are constantly striving to build connection through our sameness in anyway we can. We want to justify our own choices by having them mirrored in everyone else around us. But just because this inclination exists, doesn't mean it's necessarily right.
In fact, lot's of very interesting things happen when you are "out." When I lost at Musical Chairs, I would lean against the wall outside the circle and daydream, or read my Amelia Bedelia books, or play and talk to the other kids who were also out of the game. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize that there is a lot more fun to be had outside the circle than in it. You should try it sometime.
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Overcoming "the grass is always greener" complex is a sure path to happiness. Don't compare your lot to anyone else's, don't wonder why someone else has something and you don't. Concentrate on doing what you like, and what you believe to be moral and ethical, and remembering to have fun, and most of your problems will vanish (assuming you have your health and steady employment, naturally!).
I've been married for 5 years and don't want children. Try dealing with that pressure! Just know that it never goes away. Regardless of what you do, there will always be people who think you should do what they consider to be "next". Don't give in to the pressure..
Reading your article reminded me of my single days. Luckily, I was surrounded by a group of happily single people, all of us pursuing our various careers and none of us particularly focused on Mr or Ms. Right. We didn't really discuss dates; we discussed things and activities and interests. None of us were interested in each other, that's for sure!
It must be difficult to absorb other people's worries over "happily ever after." I think way too many people are married, I don't think it should be as common as it - to me marriage is very, very tricky and there's no real need of it anymore unless all the ingredients are just right.
Well, I did get married, at age 39. Was he Mr. Right? I'm still not sure but we have a lot of fun together! We have 2 kids (I had them at 40 and 44) and we are great partners in every way.
Anyway, may you find a more interesting group of people to hang out with!
I am a happy, independant, successful single. But I am looking for a partner. And your post made me think about why that is.
I don't need someone to fulfill my life or my needs. I don't need someone to make me feel more confident. I don't need someone to make me feel whole. But I want someone to come home to. Someone who loves me and understands me, respects me and supports me.
Will I become a boring couple when or if I find him? I don't know. I hope not.
Will I spend my life feeling incomplete? No. But I do constantly wonder why everyone else I know has been able to find their partner, and I haven't. What secret am I missing?
"Will I spend my life feeling incomplete? No. But I do constantly wonder why everyone else I know has been able to find their partner, and I haven't. What secret am I missing?"
I so empathize with this, and your whole post.
I don't think there is a secret. Some of the women I know are horrible to their boyfriends and vice versa. I've chalked it up to timing. Timing is everything and neither one of us has had good timing. It sucks sometimes. Stay strong, fellow single surrounded by couples.
I just had my teeth cleaned this morning and the room was decorated for Valentine's Day and I asked the dental hygienist about it and she said that Valentine's Day is not one of her favorite holidays (someone else decorated the room). Sorry, I said, trying to empathize.
Anyway, you don't have to live up to anyone else's expectations, especially the people posting their opinions here. And you don't have to "find someone who fulfills your every need for a mate". Another weird view of relationships that is the cause of many relationship problems. I have a need and you are supposed to meet it.
Or, the "level of anger at your partner to maintain that perfect union". So, you get angry until you get your way. Another weird view of relationships that is the cause of many relationship problems.
Best wishes to you either single or married. And no expectations about what you are supposed to do in either case. Happy Valentine's Day!
This is one single person - by choice, by the way - who will not tolerate the pressure to "couple up" any longer. I try to limit my friendships to other single people, because couples are boring beyond belief, usually, with the "we" this and "we" that. I will not call anyone in a couple situation by their first names because they usually have ceased to exist as individuals. Rather, I call them "The Tarbles" and "The Smiths" or "Hey, Johnson".
I think marriage is highyl overrated (been there, done that, and never again) and married people excruciatingly limited in their ability to think as individuals. Couples, please stay out of my life and out of my way. I have no time for people who see themselves as only "half" of something.
I have seen so many bitter posts from single bloggers who decry the institutions of marriage or couples because they feel insecure, yours was the first non-bitter take on being single. As a married woman, I greatly appreciate that. If you find someone who fulfills your every need for a mate, wonderful, but understand that it will take work, dedication, frustration, compromise, fighting, and sometimes even a level of anger at your partner along the way to maintain that perfect union. Marriage is neither easy nor the answer for all adults. Your friends and family should value you for the successful, intelligent, driven person that you are regardless of your relationship status. You do not disappear as an individual when you become married or "serious" about someone, and the marriages that fail are the ones that failed to realize it is important to maintain individual goals and dreams and work to integrate those individual needs into the couple setting.
I really enjoyed this article. Funny thing is, I have friends who are SINGLE who are just as annoying as the coupled off ones. "When are you gonna meet someone, huh???" I will send you a telegram as soon as I do, ok, stop the haranguing!
I LOVE Amelia Bedelia!!! where are those books when I need them most?
well, while we look for them I would like to say that I feel like the problem is more with what relationships mean for people than what a relationship is in itself. I am in a long term relationship and enjoy a lot of great time outside the circle, and even outside the game. But I despair at the fact that so many of my paired-off friends have decided that being with a partner means that they should only spend time with that person, forget other hobbies they used to like, stop calling old friends, and never do anything new again. The problem is not forming a circle, it is chosing to live in it.
Thanks for the article. Everytime I'm with my married firends or family, I get that "When are you gonna'..." question and I shrug my shoulders. I try to tell them that somethings are for some, others have a different path. Someday, they'll get the message.
This article is timely as we are getting dangerously close to Valentine's Day, where couple status is proudly celebrated irrespective of its net benefit to the individuals.
I think that all of us have been to some degree brainwashed to believe that couple status makes us automatically better, happier, more fulfilled despite the reality of the escalating divorce rate. This article celebrates the fact that a happy and fulfilled life is the key goal (with or a without a partner). It is an important reminder at any time of the year.
Well, as a newly tapped goose, I can say that your friends, family and coworkers are probably just wishing for you the greatest joy that they know in their lives-- to find a partner to walk through life with. That being said, there are many other wonderful things that happen outside of that circle, and that's definitely something to quack about :)
Being outside the circle is infinitely more interesting, even WITH a partner!
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