Have you read: "Ladies: You're Not as Good as You Think," an Esquire feature by Chris Jones? If you have, you're probably writing letters of scorn and disgust to the magazine right now; if you haven't, you will be shortly.
What starts off as a self-deprecating article about his less than stellar sexual prowess quickly turns into an attack on his "unenthusiastic, uncomfortable and uncommunicative" sexual partners.
In the spirit of full disclosure, I have certainly called out men for some of the things they do in snarky and sarcastic ways. However, I have never suggested that women are not equally responsible for the issues in their relationships. A stand up person (of any gender) holds him or herself accountable, too. While Jones attempts to do that, it is a highly offensive and unsuccessful endeavor.
It is comical that Jones believes that "most women act as though they are sexual Olympians." Women -- wouldn't it be nice to feel such sexual bravado and confidence? Wouldn't it be nice to feel like we were free to spread our legs for whomever we want, whenever we want and not give a crap about scorn from others? Wouldn't it be nice to just brush off the awful and demeaning messages that we've been taught since we were born with a particular body part?
You know what? I wish more women thought of themselves as "Sexual Olympians." But how can they when in the same piece, Jones writes: "Just relax. Yes we make stupid jokes, but contrary to popular belief, most guys enjoy cunnilingus, and most vaginas don't smell like a fresh bag of Funyons." The fact that the onion-based snack food analogy is even mentioned ensures that we will clamp our legs down on your neck when you attempt to go down on us. You want us to lay back and enjoy it?
But I'll give Jones one thing: if you do have partners don't live up to their Sexual Olympian act, consider why. Have you ever though that the prevalence of and reliance on pornography may have something to do with it? Or maybe it has to do with all the magazine covers and swimsuit issues that you masturbate to when we're not around (or asleep). There are many women who think that in order to get your attention they need to act in overtly sexual and provocative ways, even if they feel completely uncomfortable doing so. On the subject of personal accountability, it would be nice for Jones to acknowledge his role in that. And seeing as he used the word "frigid" in his piece, it's clear that he would think less of us if we were self-conscious or insecure about our bodies. We're damned if we do, damned if we don't.
Want to be a man that we're enthusiastic about having sex with? Be sincere about our pleasure and our health. Stand up publicly and challenge the political war on our sexuality, on contraception and pleasure-based nonprocreational sex. Be the type of man who doesn't judge a woman for not understanding why rear-entry sex and anal sex are not synonymous. Try to recognize that her sexual education was probably different from yours; you learned about your penis. She didn't learn about her clitoris or vulva or any external parts. But no, Jones says that women who "don't know their vaginas from their anuses" are "freaks" and "frigid."
Thankfully, Chris Jones does not represent most men. If I identified as a male I would be furious that he was attempting to speak for me.
So to close with one of Jones' own quotes: "Sex is not like pizza. Only blowjobs are." Looks like Jones will have to stick with lots of pizza until this blows over.
Follow Dr. Logan Levkoff on Twitter: www.twitter.com/LoganLevkoff