Have you read: "Ladies: You're Not as Good as You Think," an Esquire feature by Chris Jones? If you have, you're probably writing letters of scorn and disgust to the magazine right now; if you haven't, you will be shortly.
What starts off as a self-deprecating article about his less than stellar sexual prowess quickly turns into an attack on his "unenthusiastic, uncomfortable and uncommunicative" sexual partners.
In the spirit of full disclosure, I have certainly called out men for some of the things they do in snarky and sarcastic ways. However, I have never suggested that women are not equally responsible for the issues in their relationships. A stand up person (of any gender) holds him or herself accountable, too. While Jones attempts to do that, it is a highly offensive and unsuccessful endeavor.
It is comical that Jones believes that "most women act as though they are sexual Olympians." Women -- wouldn't it be nice to feel such sexual bravado and confidence? Wouldn't it be nice to feel like we were free to spread our legs for whomever we want, whenever we want and not give a crap about scorn from others? Wouldn't it be nice to just brush off the awful and demeaning messages that we've been taught since we were born with a particular body part?
You know what? I wish more women thought of themselves as "Sexual Olympians." But how can they when in the same piece, Jones writes: "Just relax. Yes we make stupid jokes, but contrary to popular belief, most guys enjoy cunnilingus, and most vaginas don't smell like a fresh bag of Funyons." The fact that the onion-based snack food analogy is even mentioned ensures that we will clamp our legs down on your neck when you attempt to go down on us. You want us to lay back and enjoy it?
But I'll give Jones one thing: if you do have partners don't live up to their Sexual Olympian act, consider why. Have you ever though that the prevalence of and reliance on pornography may have something to do with it? Or maybe it has to do with all the magazine covers and swimsuit issues that you masturbate to when we're not around (or asleep). There are many women who think that in order to get your attention they need to act in overtly sexual and provocative ways, even if they feel completely uncomfortable doing so. On the subject of personal accountability, it would be nice for Jones to acknowledge his role in that. And seeing as he used the word "frigid" in his piece, it's clear that he would think less of us if we were self-conscious or insecure about our bodies. We're damned if we do, damned if we don't.
Want to be a man that we're enthusiastic about having sex with? Be sincere about our pleasure and our health. Stand up publicly and challenge the political war on our sexuality, on contraception and pleasure-based nonprocreational sex. Be the type of man who doesn't judge a woman for not understanding why rear-entry sex and anal sex are not synonymous. Try to recognize that her sexual education was probably different from yours; you learned about your penis. She didn't learn about her clitoris or vulva or any external parts. But no, Jones says that women who "don't know their vaginas from their anuses" are "freaks" and "frigid."
Thankfully, Chris Jones does not represent most men. If I identified as a male I would be furious that he was attempting to speak for me.
So to close with one of Jones' own quotes: "Sex is not like pizza. Only blowjobs are." Looks like Jones will have to stick with lots of pizza until this blows over.
Follow Dr. Logan Levkoff on Twitter: www.twitter.com/LoganLevkoff
Tantra that teaches men and women to be fabulous, attentive sexual partners, with an attitude of honoring each other including bathing together, massaging each other, eating something light and yummy together, breathing slowly in rhythm with each other, looking into each other's eyes, etc. It really helps both partners to "get their romance and their libido on". Sounds like both Chris Jones and his partners could use some education and
Four paragraphs. He is self deprecating, admitting some of his lovers have asked him to just get it over with. (Props to those women for voicing what I only ever THOUGHT and never said.)
I found it almost ... funny. I'm a 60 yr old woman, a lifelong feminist, and I no longer much like men.
But I found his article FUNNY! We women say far more offensive things about men-and-sex after just a few drinks.
Was there more than the 4 paragraphs? If so please share the link and I'll read the full article and report back.
Until then I think this has been blown (ahem) way out of proportion.
I should've wrote: Typical. a PERSON who is not good in bed blaming others for their downfalls.
Where is the war taking place on these things? Fighting mandatory birth control coverage without a deductible for EVERYONE certainly isn't those things. When my daughter is older and looking for a husband where should believes the government should require that women get free birth control in their health insurance be on the list of traits she is looking for? Who does that kind of policy even really benefit? Would seem to be the kind of loser I wouldn't want her bringing home to begin with. Which gets us to Mr. Jones.
I found Jones's article reflective of the thoughts of someone who supports the above policies. Women should all be on birth control in his mind. He sees women as sex objects whose bodies serve the purpose of pleasing and being pleased by a male. He seems to see people as their parts and not as the persons. All of which seems very unsexy.
Is this a real question? Obviously it benefits society as a whole. Let's be honest, the reason the rate of unwanted pregnancies is so high, isnt because of women, its because men wont wear condoms. The failure rate of hormonal birth control is very low as is the rate of pregnancy resulting from rape/incest. If more men wore condoms, and wore them correctly, unwanted pregnancies would decrease as would abortion. It's a simple fact. Men have to want to help solve the problem through action.
A good man wants to please the woman of his dreams. Unfortunately the woman of his dreams is seeking companionship and security but rationing out that which only they should provide.And, can provide. It is not a weakness, it is a strength.
In a great Harrsion Ford movie (Six Das and Seven Nights ) he and Anne Heche are comparin notes about how women and men deal with each other. Ford notes some of the things he thinks women seek and she asks him want women need to do to get a man . The answer ? "Just show up "
More true than it should be.
Wow, is that what passes for a provocative piece in Esquire these days? It's like half of a tiny crustless white-bread tea sandwich where someone forgot the deviled chicken. There's an ocean to be probed in the topic of sexual disconnectedness, but Jones barely gets us close enough to smell the salt air. I've sometimes suspected the Y'ers and Z'ers are clueless about sex and especially about the thing that really embarrasses them: emotionally connected sex. Too often they strike me as gymnasts and figure skaters hitting all the required elements, avoiding deductions -- and thinking they're the soul of dance. Jones' piece does nothing to allay the pity.
Alas, Harold Hayes. Even the greatest empires must crumble in the end.