Facebook, Relationship Statuses, and the Demise of Feminism

I feel like I spent most of my life trying to get women to realize that the success is not measured by their marital status. For years, women were led to believe that being a wife meant that you had achieved something special. I thought that our girls today were learning the exact opposite. I may have been wrong.

Yesterday I lectured at an all-girls' school. After our first class about why the word "slut" perpetuates the double standard, our second class period was devoted to a discussion about how technology affects our sexuality, sexual health, and our relationships. I said that there existed great opportunities as well as great challenges. (For the sake of this post, I will focus on only two aspects of our discussion.)

First, I disclosed that as a teenager, I didn't have email, I-Chat, Facebook, or text messaging. I did, however, have an emergency car phone that was permanently attached to the car. That being said, my experience with adolescent dating was based upon calling a boy up on the phone, passing notes to him in science class, and telling him that I liked him -- in person. Nowadays, that doesn't really happen. Teens who rely on technology to communicate never get an opportunity to talk face-to-face. Or more importantly, if they get the opportunity, they rarely take it.

We wind up losing the (necessary) intimacy and vulnerability that is part of a relationship. Remember when you actually had to call someone on the phone or knock on their door and meet their parents before picking them up for a date?

I fear that those of us who can only type our thoughts or feelings on some electronic piece of equipment will never be able to engage in an intimate relationship, because we don't know what it's like to feel vulnerable and try to avoid vulnerability at all costs. The computer screen always seems to protect us. If the object of our affection doesn't respond to a text or email we chalk it up to a SPAM filter or a network problem. When we do get a message or a text we can interpret someone's words in any way that pleases us. We never know if someone is being genuine. (And no, those emoticons don't really tell us anything -- no matter how many smiley faces or LOLs someone types!)

Needless to say, my girls were not happy. "Why should we have to talk face-to-face if we have all these options?" Now, some of this has to do with their age -- fifteen -- but I explained to them that having tough conversations was part of being mature enough to engage in a relationship. And if they couldn't do that, perhaps they weren't ready for one. And that's okay, too.

But when we started to talk about their use of social networking sites, that's when things got interesting... and scary.

A girl raised her hand. "I have a friend who only wants to be able to write 'in a relationship' on her Facebook page." Many of the girls shook their heads in agreement. "I do, too," others added.

I cringed. How is it possible that we still believe that our worth (or popularity) is dependent upon being "the girlfriend/wife/partner of so-and-so?"

While I like Facebook in many respects, I find the "Relationship Status" part completely juvenile, if not damaging. Why do we feel compelled to announce or define our relationships for everyone else? (There is already a part where you can write your interests i.e. dating, networking, etc.) Why isn't it enough to define our relationship with our partner? Why must we formally legitimize our relationships for the greater public? Is it really anyone's business?

So of course, a student asked me, "Logan, do you have your relationship status on your Facebook page?" (Yes, I have a Facebook page.)

I answered honestly.

No. I don't. Being an "Mrs." doesn't make me the person that I am. Being a sexologist, a Ph.D., contributing to my community, my work with children and teens -- those things make me the woman that I am. Being a wife is part of who I am, but certainly not the most important thing about me. And in the end, we are secure enough with our relationship that my husband doesn't need me telling everyone that I am formally attached. We know it; who cares if anyone else does?

And therein lies the lesson for all of us: girls, women, boys, and men. We are more than the title at the beginning of our name. We do a tremendous disservice to ourselves when we forget that.

Comments

[DennyCrane]

Thank you for posting this. I just wish I had seen this article sooner. I'm not a teen, but I remember what it was like when I was in high school. I was the reserved type so making friends wasn't easy. If I had Facebook back then, I'm not sure whether it would done more harm than good. On the one hand, I can see how it might allow me to share my thoughts more and maybe find others that I had things in common with. But I also see that it might have lead me to hide behind my computer. Why go out and try to make friends in the real world when you can just chat online? Even though I'm on Facebook now and see the benefits, I also see the pitfalls. Like you pointed out, people might not develop important communications skills that are needed in life because they're too busy texting, emailing, or IMing. I do this too and try to catch myself from getting too dependent on it. I have to wonder what kind of adults these kids will turn out to be. Will they be lazy and just chat with friends, family and partners online instead of actually taking the time to meet in person? I guess I'm old fashioned cause I'd rather have lunch with a friend than read their Facebook page to see what's happening in their life.

[Dr. Logan Levkoff - Huffpost Blogger]

There is no question that the title of my post was designed to get people thinking. If anything, let this be a springboard for at-home discussions about relationships, identity, and technological communication. This was never supposed to be a silly indictment of Facebook. There is no question that social networking serves a purpose. And yes, teens have been always concerned with who is dating who; it"s part of adolescence. That being said, I left my lecture last week feeling frustrated - not by my students" desire to find out who was dating the hottest guy/girl - but rather, by their insistence that their personal status (the specific label of "in a relationship") was so important to them (especially when you consider that most of them are "hooking up" and not in a formal "relationship"). Needless to say, no matter what you think about the relationship status component of social networking, we still have a great deal to do when it comes to empowering both our girls and boys.

[Idytme]

I am also not in tune with what is going on with teenagers and I don't disagree with the premise of your post. But I want to point out that "old fashioned" women have a way to show everyone their relationship status, their wedding ring. And before facebook or the internet I went through a stage of not wanting to date but still wanting to go out and dance and stuff. A friend,who was married, pointed out that I should get a fake ring and I got one. Not that it didn't stop the rogues seeking one night stands, but it was the old fashioned way of saying "I'm in a relationship" on facebook. The ring really does work (especially if you *are* married, one reason why people take their rings *off*) and I have to assume the same ploy works on facebook as well.
I'd think, after teaching young girls about actually interacting with another person, it would be good to teach them how to make them less vulnerable online. Saying that you are in a relationship would be at the top of the list.

[devadasi]

The concept of Facebook is absurd for teens and adults. Every now and again I get emails from friends letting me know they're on facebook; I think to myself: 'so what....get a life already!' Why would I waste my time logging in to find out what Tv shows or what ever crap someone likes or doesn't like. Relationships are healthier in person or via the telephone; after years of emailing I only use it for business now. Much better. Facebook is an excuse to hide, even though it may appear otherwise. And then there's the endless, hundreds of photos of 'my friends'......the height of absurdity.

[h0tr0d]

With all due respect....censorship is not the answer.

[shdrew]

Being in a relationship and the scuttlebutt about who's going out with who, who just broke up with who, and who wants to date who, has been the focus of life for tweens and teens for decades. It's part of growing up, and discovering the opposite sex. Facebook, MySpace, etc. have nothing to do with it; I appreciate the writer's sentiments, but I think her concerns in this particular area are quite silly.

[sunnybunny]

What I like about the relationship status thing is that it presents actually reasonable options for identifying your status someone is not "single" if they are "in a relationship" which is something I tried to discuss on another thread where the posters just didn't get what I was saying. I don't think most people see it as a status symbol so much as to let people know how to approach you.There will always be those people who see their relationships as their identity, but I don't think facebook or myspace really feeds into that, but they allow people to express who and how they themselves are.

[joebiz]

I would normally post a snarky comment on in this Living Section ( I usually post in Politics and World) but it's a very good post.

It seems that the loss of "face-to-face" will be lost in the coming generations. Everything "communication" is now done through an electonic device. the resulting human reactions, emotions, and feelings are thus digitized. This may lead to intimacy as opposed to just a "hook-up."

[clarkrachel8]

This is really an interesting topic to me. I definitely consider myself to be pro-women, and a feminist at times, thought I'm also into traditions. Having an interest in both of these can, at times, be conflicting. For example, would I have a problem taking the last name of whoever I marry? No, I wouldn't. I don't think it is giving up my identity to take his name. Especially in the future, when we have children together, I don't want them having a different last name then me. Another controversial topic is naming children. In my family, for example, it is tradition to name children after their elders. I, however, don't agree with this. I think every child should get their own name to start their own legacy. Check this link out, it sort of explains the topic.
http://www.bettyconfidential.com/bettytalk/viewtopic.php?f=489&t=940

[Shotgun Mary]

I have to say I'm not seeing the issue with this one either. Perhaps what wasn't coming through in your article was maybe how important these girls saw the relationship status as a status symbol. While I agree that no one wants to return to a time when a woman defined herself only as the wife/mother of so-and-so I'm not sure thats really a risk here. Part of being a teenager is learning to navigate the social world. Teens see adults in relationships and they want to mimic that. I don't think thats a negative. My husband and I "hooked up" after being casual gamer/net buddies for several years. We took those initial steps towards being an item through IM and text messaging. I can speak from experience that we lost no sense of vulnerability in admitting to one another that there was more there than what met the eye. I think its difficult for adults who did not grow up in the net age to realize that different rules apply. I never though much about how my marriage was built upon all of those things that commentators decry (hanging out instead of "dating", "hooking up," doing much of the early relationship work thorugh IM or text) Our relationship is no less strong than the old-fashioned romances where boy had to have paternal approval to date consenting girl.

[doc26]

I have to disagree. I think facebook relationship statuses are actually a positive development for many women. I am 26 and I can see even with my sister in high school that facebook has brought a lot of clarity to her relationships with men. When I was in high school and college, there was a lot of casual dating- including the very undefined relationship (usually where the girl thinks she has a boyfriend and the boy.. does not). With facebook, you know where you stand. Is that guy you just met dating someone? friend him. is that man you are sleeping with married even though he told you he was separated and soon to be divorced? friend him. is your relationship over? what does your ex's profile say? It also gives us a lot of power- as in "well, should i still be seeing other people or should i update my status?". is this guy i am seeing a player? check his photos and don't get serious about him until he asks you to be his official girlfriend in front of virtually everyone he has ever known. just because some people are attached to the "in a realtionship" label (or at my age, "engaged" or "married") doesn't make a public acknowledgment of the greatest person in your life ( at least for me :)) a bad thing.

[Dr. Logan Levkoff - Huffpost Blogger]

With all due respect, I think that we might be looking at this from the wrong perspective. I am not talking about adults. I am talking about tweens and teens who are consumed by the need to put "in a relationship" on their facebook profiles. I fear that children still learn that relationship status is the true measure of success. I hate to think that's what they're worrying about today.

As for these comments, many men don't understand how old ideals of success/failure affect women (men have their own measures of success to think about). However, I am uncomfortable with the thought of young girls believing that the title they apply to their relationship or marital status is the end all and be all.

For adults, I have no issue with how one chooses to express themselves - on Facebook or anywhere else. I love the role I play in my family; I want my students to know that there is more to life than having a title. Being in a wonderful partnership certainly enhances who I am, but whether or not I define myself as a "wife" or whether or not I wear a wedding band doesn't make me more or less of a woman.

And just in case more of you were wondering, no, I wasn't a women's studies major and no, I wasn't raised by a single mom. I was raised by a man and a woman who taught me everything I believe in today.

[oustfan]

A title isn't the "end all be all", but nothing's wrong with the pursuit or desire for a title. You wouldn't have spent so much time in graduate school if you didn't agree. After all, your doctorate is much more than just a title.

I agree that we should all live balanced lives. I'm happy that you're teaching that to teenagers. But, I fail to see how your argument has anything to do with 'the demise of feminism'. Putting value in a relationship is not detrimental to feminism.

[jathemelis]

What really saddens me is the stark contrast in importance this has for teenage girls than it does for teenage guys. But that's also what bugged me growing up, which is why I wasn't one of these "relationship status" seekers, or rather whatever the mid-nineties equivalent would have been. Luckily, I was a girl who had genuine, non-romantic friendships with guys so I could see just how different the young mens priorities were. Like, why would I waste my time obsessing over some guy who is probably obsessing over a sporting event or video game or porn.
Young women's lives are still far too defined by what the males deem en vogue.

[AshaLovesNature]

I have to say that I do not agree with your idea of the facebook status as the end of feminism. Nor do I think that it is anti-feminist to think that my relationships (including the one with my husband) are more important than my career. I have defined myself as a feminist from the very moment I knew the word. I love my family, my sisters, my parents, my husband, and my friends. These are the things that are most real to me. I am thrilled to be married to my husband, as he is to be married to me, I want to shout it to everyone I meet. Unfortunately, that's not really socially acceptable, but telling people on facebook that I am married (my husband does not have a facebook page, so they get to guess who I am married to) is a little way that I can do just that. The other day my husband and I met someone, in person, and, since I didn't have the chance to say "This is my husband so and so", after the introductions and the handshaking, I proclaimed "And we're married!". The friend who introduced us just laughed. My job is what I do for money, and it's very important to me that it is a job of service to others, but I know myself better through my relationship with my husband, and I can't think of anything more important than that.

[h0tr0d]

Simple question for you.....Why is your job the more important definition of who you are ? I certainly think my status as a husband and father are significantly more important than what my job title is. I also think my family is the most important thing in the world to me, and if I didn't have to work at all...I wouldn't. To me, it's incredible that someone would think where they went to school and where they work is more important in defining "who they are" than their family. You didn't major in women's studies by chance ?....or maybe you were raised by a single mom ?

[oustfan]

I think you're taking facebook a little too seriously.

I list "David Letterman" as one of my favorite TV shows, but that doesn't mean it's one of the most important parts of me.

That said, I consider my title as a husband as being more important than my education, my job, or even the things I do in my community.