Girls Kissing Girls: In Vogue Or Old News?
Before the segment was canceled, I was asked to appear on CNN Headline News last month for a segment about the latest wave of "Lesbian Chic." There had been numerous editorials touting "Heteroflexibility." Though my segment faded into obscurity, I was supposed to talk about whether this was indeed a new trend and what "girls kissing girls" means for fearful parents.
It's a shame it was canceled, because I had lots to say.
I am the first to admit that I downloaded Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl" to my iPod. I like the song. But I do think that we are giving Katy too much credit. Seriously, suggesting that she (and her song) is responsible for the supposed wave of same-sex kissing is just silly. Teens have been experimenting with their same-gender friends for years. Many grown men and women had these innocent experiences in their youth. Perhaps the difference is that when we were teens, we didn't make our secret exchanges public. We weren't posting our same-sex kisses on our Facebook profiles. We weren't making out with each other in the hopes of avoiding a cover charge at a party. And we may not have been making out with each other to impress cute boys (or girls). There is a difference between acting out sexually for popularity and acting out sexually because you are in touch with your sexuality.
I have always believed that sexual orientation is fluid. No one is strictly heterosexual or homosexual. Fantasies, personal experiences, and curiosities often waver between gay and straight. And this doesn't mean that you have to act on these desires, either. (For example, there are plenty of women who are aroused by watching lesbian porn but may not have a desire to be physically intimate with another woman.) Both men and women can be attracted to a spectrum of people and experiences throughout their lives. And if that weren't complicated enough, just because someone engages in sex with someone of their gender doesn't mean that he or she is gay, lesbian, or even bisexual. Sexual orientation is about attraction, not behavior. Is it all that surprising that many people are curious? And really, a kiss is just a kiss. It is hardly a gateway to oral sex. And labels are just old news anyway.
But the sex educator in me needs to make this final statement: The real problem with girls kissing girls is that women feel like it's acceptable to make out with one another because there is no overriding stigma for them. Can you imagine if teen boys were doing the same thing? Would they be cheered on and asked out by the hottest people in school? This situation is representative of tremendous inequality. As parents, we should be teaching our children to challenge all forms of double standards and intolerance. We should be teaching them to think about sexual orientation differently. And of course, whether it is drugs, alcohol, or sex, we should be explaining to our children that doing something at the behest of others (or simply to impress someone) makes for very poor decision making. But you can read Third Base Ain't What it Used to Be for more of those tips.
In the end, I suppose that what I am trying to say is that kissing another girl isn't a novel idea. But as adults, perhaps we can be smarter about how we handle it. Any suggestions are always welcome (and if you would like to share your own early same-sex experiences to prove my point, bring 'em on).
Loading comments…
Want to reply to a comment? Hint: Click "Reply" at the bottom of the comment; after being approved your comment will appear directly underneath the comment you replied to
I think most straight men like to see two females kissing ONLY IF it is two females they deem attractive. If it is just any two women, I don't think the same rule applies.
It's more about titillation than anything.
ALSO, it's about currently accepted gender roles: If two women do that, it makes them seem "strong" and "rebellious," and perhaps "naughty".... which many straight men find attractive. If two men do that, it makes them look "weak" or like "sissies".
False choice.
Why can't it be both in vogue and old news?
Why WOULDN'T a womon want to kiss another beautiful womon? We're so much more attractive than hard, hairy men?
"Many grown men and women had these innocent experiences in their youth."
I have these experiences as an adult, and I'm still innocent.
Yeah, I caught that and its implied underlying assumption: "same sex sex is inherently less than innocent when practiced by adults." WTF? All sex is innocent if approached innocently.
Apparently we still have quite a ways to go, if this is considered a progressive attitude towards same sex relationships.....
Perhaps you misinterpreted my statement...by "innocent" I mean that many children have same-sex experiences out of curiosity and fun as opposed to being deliberate expressions of sexual orientation. Many people who identify as heterosexual had a same-sex experience in their childhood.
I by no means suggest that same-sex relationships are only innocent if practiced in youth.
Especially since their joint blog about Palin's homophobia I'd hate to include Lindsay and Samantha with those girls who are still experimenting or trying to get a reaction. I'd give them a bit more credit for being the couple that they are. Britney and Madonna, Katy Perry, any TV show during sweeps week...sure it might be a fad, but there are some girls out there who mean it. I'm just glad it wasn't a picture from Ellen and Portia's wedding!
This game is played. Girls only do this for attention from males. In general, females seem to lack the self-esteem that should tell them that this is not the kind of attention they should want. Wouldn't it be great if intelligence mattered?
You've got an ocean of learning to do in your lifetime! Get prepared!
Old news. Most of the "hetereoflexibles" I know are not lesbians or even bi-sexual. They're basically women or girls looking for attention or girls who think they'll get sexual pleasure and less baggage/confusion than dealing with a man.
I've seen the same thing with men except straight men and generally for the same motives usually do NOT want the attention thus it gets less attention. But bisexuality/lesbianism among women has much less of a social stigma (I'm not saying it doesn't exist) than bisexuality/homosexuality among men.
Aaror,
The results of the un-named study you cite may simply reflect social conditioning rather than biology. Keep in mind, also, that a lot of these videos used to discern sexual orientation are made by the porn industry. The porn industry is a female bisexuality-favoring paradigm. Porn movies depict the woman's body in far more glamorous poses than the men's. A lot of porn directors insist that only the woman's body be shown in full, for instance. In any case, I think it's a bit of a stretch to use porn as a criterion for determining sexual orientation. My own view is that most men are bisexual in orientation. Men are more sexual than women, and therefore it also follows that they are more bisexual too. It's society, however, which places a greater stigma on male bisexuality than on female bisexuality.
Old news. Though people kissing in public always gives me the odd uneasy feeling that I should be doing something too. Sort of like if a couple were moving heavy furniture in public and you keep a watchful eye on them in case you need to get out of the way, or help, or clear a path or something. But that's probably just me.
The problem with female sexuality in America is that women have allowed their sexuality to be framed in terms of male heterosexual fantasy. It's as if American women have ceded control of their sexuality to male heterosexuals. When this happens, you get the glamorization of female bisexuality but not male bisexuality. This selective glamorization is not rooted in respect for the orientation but more in its fetish-worthiness to male voyeurs. This is a tragic development which trivializes female sexuality and reduces it to the level of the straight male fantasy.
True!
I think a lot of you are missing the point. Dr Levkoff is rightly pointing out that girls-kissing-girls is more about propping up the fetishes of male voyeurs than it is about being true to your orientation. It's less about gay rights and more about catering to men's pornographic fantasies. Dr Levkoff also points out the double standard: two guys kissing erotically is less socially acceptable than two women kissing erotically. It's also important to point out that the greater acceptance of the two-women=kissing scenario is phony. It's a phony acceptance based on titillation.
John, I agree with you completely. I don't think this "trend" is even about sexuality. While faux lesbianism started in the male-fantasy porn industry (as did bikini waxing, damn it), it's now a cultural status symbol among young women. Kind of like taking acid was when I was in college. Kissing other women says, I'm worldly, I'm edgy, I'm original -- just like all my friends who totally make out with each other .... but only when guys are watching. Otherwise it's kinda creepy.
Can someone please finally explain to me why 1) most women are tolerant if not sanguine with this type of behavior in other women 2) why men are usually very receptive to this type of behavior in women to the point of actually becoming aroused by it and 3) why lots of women and nearly every man who is not gay, is totally turned off by and angered by this type of behavior involving men? Why all of the different double and triple standards here?
StarkRaving,
Interesting questions. My view is that society grooms women to be enablers of male heterosexual fantasy. This includes grooming them to have a bisexual viewpoint. Just look at how parents bring up their daughters. They give them female dolls with long, flowing hair. Mom tells her daughter that the doll is pretty. Contrast this with the way sons are brought up. I can't imagine parents telling their son that a male doll is handsome. Daughters are basically brought up to think and act in ways that ultimately serve the interests and fetishes of heterosexual men. Regarding male-male kissing, it challenges the patriarchal structure which I've just referred to. Male-male kissing basically exposes the double standard in the way the genders are groomed. As to why women tolerate attention-seeking bisexuality in other women, I personally think it's because of the sisterhood notion. Some women are basically afraid of criticizing the behavior of other women.
You make a lot of interesting observations and points in all of your posts. One thing I feel obligated to say though is that I believe that there really are those who are truly bi-sexual--hard-wired from birth--who are not just engaging in such sexual behaviors or actions merely in response to psychological or societal manipulation or expectation by others.
Old news.
Women have been kissing each other for decades. Ask any woman of any age if she is bi curious and see what kind of responses you get.
I have. About 90% say yes, they are!
Wow--this was the best line that I have read all day:
"And really, a kiss is just a kiss. It is hardly a gateway to oral sex."
I for one think that a kiss is a gateway to oral sex. That would be my hope....and as far as Lindsey and her gal go, we should be thrilled that they are having fun and enjoying their gateways...
You must be logged in to comment. Log in or connect with
