Nice Girl Syndrome: How to Know If You Have It And Ways To Overcome It (PHOTOS)

Women are still undervalued -- at home and at work. Even though women now fill 49% of all professional and managerial-level jobs, women CEOs lead in only 15 of the FORTUNE 500 companies, or 3 percent. The reasons are complicated but among them is the reality that traditional family structures, social norms, and established business practices prevent many women from reaching their potential. Clearly, these need to be reevaluated and redesigned -- but shifts of this type and magnitude take time. In the meantime, many women "struggle to juggle" career and family. That's why we teamed up to write "Nice Girls Just Don't Get It," designed to help women win the lives they want.

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What Is a Nice Girl?

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An adult woman who behaves in ways that she was taught during childhood were appropriate for little girls. Nice girls suffer from "the disease to please" -- they put their needs behind everyone else's.

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An adult woman who behaves in ways that she was taught during childhood were appropriate for little girls. Nice girls suffer from "the disease to please" -- they put their needs behind everyone else's.

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SO not true! True!

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Comments

[LivelyLexie]

09:36 AM on 06/07/2011

Despite what some of these slides suggest, it IS possible to be a nice girl without letting people walk all over you. Which is how I am and I'm glad to be.

[admfay]

09:53 PM on 06/03/2011

Yes, men do want nice girls. The problem is women don't like nice guys. Maybe it's the drama, I don't know. Nice guys finish last, always. Any nice girls that would like to get married to a really nice guy email me at [e-mail]. LOL.

[katelyndn]

07:28 PM on 06/03/2011

Ehh.. Nice girl has the connotation of pushover.. But i think you can be sneakily nice.. and still get where you want to go.. Its all about being assertive with the right people and nice with others.. I delicate dance.. Altho what do I know?

[MikoRose]

07:02 PM on 06/03/2011

There is nothing wrong with nice girls. The world NEEDS nice girls. Men like nice girls and marry them. Not nice girls have a low self esteem and are used for one thing by men.

[worrella]

01:56 PM on 06/03/2011

Unfortunately, no "modern" society can overcome several million years of evolution. Women still carry the children. In an organization I know, a program manager's assignment is available for a very large client job that begins in two months and lasts for ten. A really talented, early 30's female engineer would be an excellent candidate, except that she's pregnant and will take 10 weeks of maternity leave in the middle of that program. Any reasonable person would understand that her selection would be affected by a critical absence. Then, of course, it travels with her that she does not have the experience of that project. We do need to find a way around this type of event. I have daughters, and am certianly not supporting a continuation of discriminatory promotions. Facts, however, always have an impact. What do we do about those pesky things?

[hungrydoll2020]

10:55 AM on 06/03/2011

i mean is it about being polite or nice? many women "suffer" because they conform to what someone else wants instead of themselves... NICE girls arent selfish. also if a nice woman has a bad husband she is always having to forgive which causes suffering. putting a loved ones needs above your own.

[Blarg]

07:01 PM on 06/02/2011

For a world that is constantly said to be so full of heroes ... where is everybody keeping them? These saints and martyrs and self-sacrifices crashing through the streets and every door like a thousand-year flood and a goodness apocalypse?

Maybe the reason people aren't more often celebrated for being fantastic is that most of us are just average at best and no small number are considerably worse.

I like fairy tales as much as the next person, but they're no good to live by. Maybe we need to stop kidding ourselves and live some other way instead. O Ye Superheroes, All.

[Andrew Wojtkowski]

07:00 PM on 06/02/2011

What world are these women living in?

ACCEPTED SOCIETAL NORMS:
Relationships- Let's face it. Women get first pick.
Dates- Man pays, even if girl insists to pay.
Gifts- Man buys woman gifts to prove his love. She proves hers by staying with him.
February 14th- ROSES, which are marked up 500%. Don't you dare get tulips.
Engagement Ring- $$ (Man pays)
Wedding Dress- $$ (Man pays)
Bridal Shower- Gifts gifts gifts. (Groom Shower? Anyone?)
Wedding- Her day, her way. Oh, and $$$$$$$$.
Wedding Gifts- $$, oh... but good luck buying something useless like a car or a new laptop. Coach Purses, however, are fair game.


Fortunately, there are many women who deviate from these societal norms, but in 2011 in the United States, this is our culture as dictated by television (and other forms of media.) Where is the TV show where the male gets to yell at the woman for giving them a bad gift? I can think of many where the opposite is completely okay.

So where is this "society" that's holding women down? In the workplace? You mean the one where women are actually penetrating the higher layers of management faster than a 50/50 weighted average?

I think these authors have very little to talk about since their profession has become obsolete and fighting for "equality" is all they know. Either that they are flashbacks to the "war" a 'nam vet, or something.

[Barbara Lilly]

12:26 AM on 06/03/2011

Wow- there is an awful lot of anger there.... Plus you are only listing one "side" of those equations. There are plenty of women who lord it over men, but society as a whole is very male centric (talk to any woman trying to make partner at a law firm and have a baby at the same time.) I will say this the fundamentals of this book are based on a combination of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and Relational Therapy. I think they would consider your comment to be an example of "push back." I think you have some vaild points but any completely one sided view will tack wrong. I think this is one of those cases where if your sense on empathy can't make you see the other person's point of view, then only literally being a woman for a couple of days would make you see that women don't have it as easy as you think.

[nermz345]

11:28 AM on 06/03/2011

fav

[Milrepa]

12:22 AM on 06/04/2011

I think what he's trying to say is that women want it both ways. Choices mean something else gets sacrificed, it's just a fact.
The flaw in the author's paradigm in where she says women aren't reaching their "potential"...just another stab at women. What "potential" does pregnancy signify, nothing?

[ssekmcl]

07:29 PM on 06/03/2011

Sure, there's plenty of room for pushback here. Look, a woman doing an equal job should get equal pay. No argument there. Women are outnumbering men in colleges; etc. And things are changing.
Wow where is the anger really coming from? The liberated woman is one who appreciates men who are really pretty simple to understand, have three really basic needs, and loves men for who and what they are. If thousands of years of culture need to be examined and reassessed, and positive changes made, as have been done, yes, let's do it--let's not at the same time throw the baby out with the bathwater.

[samuelpapa]

04:00 PM on 06/02/2011

Go to a teacher job fair and see the number of male teacher vs. female teachers. Don't tell me it's because of the fear of molestation, we all read the news and perception should now be changed.

[Carol Anne Peschke]

12:07 AM on 06/03/2011

It's got nothing to do with fear of molestation; it merely reflects the fact that teachers are grossly underpaid (ditto for nurses). Welcome to the pink ghetto.

[Angie Tyne 1]

01:14 PM on 06/03/2011

You are witnessing k-12. The lower levels of education pay less and are predominantly female. Check out any college level campuses and you'll see a majority of male professors.

[madcityy]

03:40 PM on 06/02/2011

men like nice girls and marry them,,, and treat them well..............

the world has plenty of not nice girls,,they live on the barstools of the usa.....

[Stephanie Laws]

04:39 PM on 06/03/2011

I agree. Did these women ever stop to think that these 'nice girls' are that way because they WANT to be? It's as if they think that good manors are a bad thing. Any lifestyle that they are not leading is wrong, it seems. I, for one, don't like to be around women that only scream about equality and women's rights all the time. It's annoying. I am a woman and have worked in several offices...and the women were the majority...including the manager and CEO's, so this whole idea that women aren't making it as well as men is a crock. As far as the pregnancy thing, um...it is the same as a man getting an operation. If a man needed an operation that would keep him out for any length of time, he would be passed over as well...it's just logical. If you can't be at the job for the length of time it requires, of course you're not going to get the job. It has nothing to do with sex.

[Jessie Vaughn]

12:27 PM on 06/02/2011

I don't know any queens or kings, so stop thinking a woman or a man needs to be treated that way. That is an unrealistic expectation to put on a woman and a man. Why don't you stick to treating a woman like an equal partner and true FRIEND. If you find a a woman who needs to be treated like a "queen" by a man, RUN THE OTHER WAY. Find a woman who takes after the tips in this book. She'll be assertive, clear, kind, drama free, and have her needs met by the one and only person who CAN meet her needs, HER. There IS a big difference between being a "Nice Girl" and an adult WOMAN. Stop feeling guilty about this ladies.

[stopspending]

04:51 PM on 06/02/2011

anyone, male or female, that thinks they are the only one that can meet their own needs, will never find a partner in life, either socially or otherwise,
I hope you are a woman and follow that thought. That will leave less competition for those of us that believe being a "nice girl" is a good thing. Although, I doubt that you will be competing with the "nice girls' for the same things.

[Jessie Vaughn]

02:26 PM on 06/03/2011

Actually, I am a woman and have been happily married for 4 years now to a man who treats me like his best friend. I don't think that I am the only one who can meet my needs, I KNOW IT. I've been very successful with that so far, thanks. ;-)

[Barbara Lilly]

12:28 AM on 06/03/2011

Very well put! F

[Spencer L Jensen]

10:45 AM on 06/02/2011

Now I'm confused. "Suffers, so no one else has to" sounds like the epitome of Christlike sacrifice and compassion. Why is that a bad thing?

[anastmosis]

12:40 PM on 06/02/2011

Being "nice" can be bad when taken to the extreme. As parents, we love our children and do what's best for them, even if it means saying "no", making them to do what's right even though it's not fun, pushing them to improve, punishing them when they do wrong, and letting them suffer the consequences of their poor decisions so they will learn to be responsible mature adults. These are not nice experiences, but out of love for our children, we face up to them. Being nice is a virtue, but when it becomes the only virtue, that is when trouble ensues.

[Peter Edelson]

04:27 PM on 06/02/2011

Because no person should "suffer" so no one has to. Why should anyone spend their life suffering so that I don't have to? And Christ didn't actually do it either -- last time I checked... he suffered quite a bit in the end... and there is a Hell of a lot of suffering going on in the World. Thanks for nothing.

[tahoelover]

01:34 AM on 06/03/2011

Peter, Christ suffered, died and rose again not to end world suffering for all times but to end the eternal suffering of seperation from God. "The heart ( of man ) is decietful above all things, and desperately wicked, who can know it." Jer. 17:9. If you are looking for God to remove all " suffering " from the world before you recognize Him you have heard wrongly of who God is and are looking in the wrong direction for Him.

As to the point of this article-Most women would have it much better for themselves ( in the life as a whole ) if they simply stopped thinking of men as the enemy.

Women have much more power than they have been trained and this all happened in the " 60's " being told that they needed to be " equal " to men. Women who are not trapped by this foolish notion realize that they can have what they want from men simply by giving first. Foolishly fighting this truism only keeps their struggle remaining. I know that it sounds oxymoronic, but this is true nonetheless.

[Ferrari Bubba]

10:34 AM on 06/02/2011

When my daddy told me about 'the birds

[David McIntyre]

08:47 AM on 06/02/2011

Women such as those described in this article do not exist anymore. The majority of women today pale in comparison to the women that helped make this country what it used to be prior to the 60's. They are generally selfish and play the professional "victims" game wanting everything handed to them and they think that they can excel at both a career and being a wife and mother. Women have succeeded in spreading the vulgar belief out to other women that being a housewife is somehow degrading. Being a housewife is the hardest and most rewarding career that a woman can choose it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see the correlation between the feminist attitude towards housewives and the failure of the family unit in this country that will ultimatley be our downfall as a society. So, to all you contemporary women that falsely think you've been oppressed by men and think that you're going to show them.....thanks for the destruction of the "family" in this country. If you want a career outside the home I think that that is great and wish you all the luck in the world, but leave having a family to those women ultimatley stronger that wish to be housewives and homemakers and maybe we can salvage something of this country.

[Andrew Wojtkowski]

07:04 PM on 06/02/2011

They exist, but they're special circumstances that usually involve uncharacteristically aggressive males. To most men, it's surprising that these people even exist. But they do, somewhere in the bowels of our gender. But they really are a minority. It's an issue, but nowhere near as widespread as the article implies.

But it really is just that. Fringe nonsense. I honestly think HP allowed this to be posted here simply because they knew it would spark rabble, and the only thing they care about is hits.

[leskataus]

10:23 PM on 06/02/2011

So in other words, women have to choose between a family and a career while a man can have a career and ignore his family? In those "good old days" you are talking about, that often was the case. Children often grew up barely knowing their fathers even when they still lived in the same household. Of course, it was much worse when the fathers abandoned their families, leaving the families to fend for themselves. Just because the divorce rate used to be lower than it is today doesn't mean that people stayed together.

[kesac]

08:13 AM on 06/02/2011

Oprah is nice. Warren Buffet and Bill Gates are nice. Niceness is not what is holding women or anyone else back.

[angie1234]

10:57 AM on 06/02/2011

Oprah would be the first one to tell you that she didn't have the tremendous success she has had until she was able to find her own voice (and what I mean by that is she began finding her own power). She built her career on empowering women to find their own voice. (As for Warren Buffet and Bill Gates, although they may be nice, they are not of the meek and mild ilk to which the authors of this article are referring.) As for Joanne's comment below, the article mentions nothing about manners and etiquette. It is a mind-set that many women have that they must be self-sacrificing in order to be accepted or to be liked. I am not a caregiver and that being said, I have been low-balled in terms of salary compared to men with the exact same qualifications by as much as $10,000 for the same position and as I mentioned before, nothing to do with caregiving. It has been shown in studies that women don't negotiate or push for more the way men do in business (Google the topic to find the studies.) In order to be successful, women need to find their voice and their power (being confident does not need to exclude being "nice"- if anything confident people see no need to attack you behind your back or engage in passive-aggressive behavior) and bring their contributions to the table with confidence.

[kesac]

11:10 PM on 06/05/2011

Meek and mild behaviour is not based on gender. There are studies to be found that "prove" virtually anything. The authors premise is contrived. Girls are no more conditioned by society to be subservient than are boys.
I will have to take your word for it that you have or had identical qualifications as someone else, and the only reason you recieved a lowball offer is your gender. That has never been my experience in 40 years of business. The cream always rises, but everyones self opinion doesn't always match others opinions of their selves.

[Carol Anne Peschke]

12:30 AM on 06/03/2011

You're right that true niceness never held anyone back. The authors' point is that subservient behavior is sold to girls and women as niceness; to have happy, successful lives, they need to learn the difference.

[kesac]

10:58 PM on 06/05/2011

My point is that the author's premise is contrived. Women are no more conditioned by society to be subservient than men are.