Eight Hints for Keeping Peace at Your Wedding

06/12/2015 03:17 pm ET | Updated Jun 11, 2016

Whose wedding is this anyway? Yours? Yes! Your financé's? Yes. But many others lay claim to the event.Your own parents may see it as their graduation party. Your grandparents may see it as the culmination of their life's work. Your siblings may want to make you queen for a day or share the limelight.

Now before you go berating everyone and declaring, "It's my wedding," remember your marriage marks a new relationship with each one of these people. No time like the present to begin sculpting the shape of your interactions. Besides this comment does not show you as
the generous and inclusive person you want others to think you are.

1) Give each one a role. Assign specific tasks. By doing this you involve family members but tactfully set limits on their participation. You can request that they pick the flowers, plan a rehearsal dinner, or pass out programs. There is plenty of tasks to go around.

2) Acknowledge the importance of the wedding to his family and their work in bringing up the person you love. You might say to your mother-in-law, for example, "I know this event is really important to you. You have worked long and hard to bring up the man I love." Or you could ask the grandparents to list several wedding customs they might want to include and include at least one of them.

3) Don't explode when someone makes a suggestion. You can always say, "Interesting idea, I will think about that," and then, do think about it, but you don't have to acquiesce. We all like to be heard!

4) When one person makes a suggestion and it is in conflict with something your own parents want, or you want, you can say, "Great idea, but I am trying to balance the needs and wants of many people."

5) If there are cultural differences, include the foods, music, or dress of both families. Inclusiveness pays off in good and will add spice to your wedding.

6) Give into what doesn't matter to you. In other words, choose which battles to fight.

7) Remember both the bride and the groom have equal responsibility for tamping down the expectations of their families. Each of you is an ambassador negotiating the desires of your loved ones.

8) The wedding is best when you recognize the needs of others as well as your own. It's good practice for the future. Life is a team sport. You will need all these people in the future because they have the potential to support you in the challenges and crises that are an inevitable part of all lives.

You may think you are pledging your fate to your spouse, but the truth is you are marrying a family for better (they will help you) and for worse (you may need to help them or you may need them and find they won't help) . The time is now to begin learning to work together and to sometimes concede to others' wishes, as unromantic as that seems!