For many Americans, Mom is only a short drive away. A demographic survey reported in The New York Times reveals a change in America's living patterns. Typically most Americans live an average of only eighteen miles from the other generation. The generations are supporting each other financially, as well as with both helpful services and emotional support. Americans are becoming less mobile. To live together successfully, a change in behavior on the part of both generations is in order, that is, if what I overheard on Christmas Eve is indicative of parent-adult child relationships. Two thirty-somethings were grumbling, "My mom has called me three times to remind me not to drink too much." Her companion responded: "And my mom called at least fourteen times to check that I had the menu and recipes right for tomorrow's dinner." By the 12th floor I couldn't "bite my tongue" any longer, so I recommended my book, Don't Bite Your Tongue. The first young woman asked what she could do. "You could reframe the nagging and focus on how much your mother loves you." Or you could say, "Mom, I hear you and I will control myself. I don't need reminding." They laughed as they exited on the top floor.
Of course, had the parents been there I might have suggested that they "say what they have to say, make sure it has been heard and then back off." Both generations will need to work at understanding each other's motives and contexts. Young people want babysitting help, and elderly people want caring help from their kids. Neither of these activities is financially well rewarded in the US. Only the wealthy can afford to hire adequate help. But even in wealthy families, getting support from other family members sometimes is preferable to hiring help, particularly for child or elder care. Some long-term-care policies cover care provided by family members, but very few people have these costly policies. Families come to the rescue, typically with no available reimbursement. But if these arrangements are to succeed, mutual kindness must be a key component of any arrangement.
Any expectation of perfection must be traded for mutual benefits. From time to time, both the older and the younger families will need to sacrifice their own priorities for the sake of aiding their relatives. As a society we all benefit when families assist each other as there is no substitute for love and there are economies when family members provide necessary care. When two-earner couples live near a parent, maternal labor force participation goes up 4-10 percent, since Mom (and sometimes Dad) can pick up the gaps in watching the young, according to a study by Compton and Pollak, "Family Proximity, Childcare, and Women's Labor Force Attachment." Life happens, legs break, tummies get aches, and parental back-up care fills the gap. In the best of circumstances, when' generations live near each other, they can provide a safety net for each other. Individuals can increase the strength of that safety net by improving their communication skills, and employers can help by giving paid leave for child and elder care, supported by flexible hours throughout an employee's life span, in recognition that family responsibilities are an essential part of every life stage.
Fortunately on Christmas Day I heard a young woman say with delight, " My mom gave me a bracelet that says 'mother and daughter best friends forever.'" There is hope for families, is there for social policy?