A girlfriend of mine told me her boyfriend asked her last week which she preferred -- opals or pearls. She said, "Ink cartridges." Her boyfriend was crestfallen when she explained that she'd prefer that he gift wrap a six-month supply of those expensive little ink cartridges for her printer/scanner than slip her a romantic necklace the night before Christmas.
This came as no surprise to me. In my own long-term study of married couples, and from the many studies I've read on romanticism among the genders, it appears that yet another gender myth can be dismantled: Men, typically, are more romantic than women.
When relationship researchers talk about romanticism, it refers to a person's general beliefs about love -- not one's feelings about a specific person and his or her behaviors.
Between you and your partner, who is more romantic? The answer might surprise you. Take this quick true-or-false quiz to learn more about your own level of romanticism.
True / False -- I believe in love at first sight.
True / False -- I fall in love easily, and when I do, I fall hard.
True / False -- I believe there is a perfect soul mate out there somewhere for me.
True / False -- If I don't have passionate feelings for someone right away, chances are s/he's not "the one."
True / False -- No matter what challenges life presents, love can conquer all.
True / False -- When you're truly in love, passion never fades; it can last forever.
Now, count up the number of "true" answers.
Scoring:
Okay, now you know a bit more about your own romantic beliefs. But what about those of your partner? What do you do if you are a lot less -- or more -- romantic than your partner?
My own research and that of others shows that men tend to believe that love should be more passionate than women generally do. It also shows that men fall in love more easily than women. In my long-term study, I was genuinely surprised by the number of men who were smitten with their wives long before their wives even took them seriously. That's a pattern other researchers have found, as well. Women, in general, tend to have more pragmatic views of love.
If you are a man, you may be frustrated by your girlfriend or wife's practical approach to lovemaking and romance. Does she roll over, put on her bathrobe, and start checking her e-calendar moments after you've made love? Does she e-mail you to schedule a "date" after the gym but before her 7 o'clock meeting? Don't take these behaviors personally. She's not dissing you. She's simply compartmentalizing her romantic feelings. This is common among women. If it bothers you, let her know that you'd like to do things your way sometimes. That is, linger in bed in each other's arms listening to jazz. Or spontaneously making love -- at an odd time or in an unusual place -- once in a while.
If you are a woman, you may feel put off by his amorous advances when you're trying to study at night. Or his complaints that you don't seem to care about him anymore. He's not being a big baby -- he's being a guy. For men, frequent shows of physical affection and small endearments, such as holding hands or kissing, are very reassuring. It's fine to be practical about your love relationship, but at least some of the time, let him feel like the two of you are in a movie. Take the time to create a romantic mood or scene for him. You'll both be glad you did.
When two partners are sensitive to each others' attitudes toward romanticism, and make an effort to gain insight into what each other needs and likes, you may discover that both his romanticism and her practical approach to love have their advantages.
Follow Dr. Terri Orbuch on Twitter: www.twitter.com/drterrilovedr
(and no responses about bitterness... I know how it sounds - I'm one of those pragmatists)
Warm wishes,
Mia Rose
http://www.healinglovenotes.com
I don't think either of the 2 genders is more romantic than the other. But for some women, some and metrosexual men, there is more readiness to being romantic.
"I don't know what's for dinner?"
But there's a lot more to it than just this--a LOT more. To say women are more "realistic" in relationships than men is absurd. The author above gives an example of a woman who checks her blackberry for messages right after she's made love. But what she doesn't say is that if a guy checked his blackberry right after making love, a woman would lose her mind with anger and hurt. She would absolutely never ever forgive him for doing that. Yet our woman author up there just remarks upon it as if it were an everyday occurence. Yeah, it's OK, but ONLY if it's a WOMAN doing it. If a woman started criticizing her guy for doing that, every single woman reading this would think he was a disgusting jerk.
Women constantly treat men in ways they would NEVER tolerate being treated. And that is as unrealistic as you can possibly be. Not to mention plain rotten. Sorry, but there it is.
http://www.therudeguy.com/books/Romance_Rich_Zubaty_bio_to_Jan_2009_NAMES_CHANGED.pdf
Truth is, there have always been romantic men and women out there, and there have always been non-romantic men and women out there. Back when the idea was that "women are more romantic," the romantic men and the non-romantic women felt like the cultural story of the day didn't apply to them. Now if the idea is that "men are more romantic," the opposite will be true.
These social ideas about what is true and not true are too often used by both men and women alike to avoid actually getting to know their partners and to cast blame because they don't want to feel like they've done something wrong. "But women are supposed to be romantic! Why don't you like what I gave you??" can easily become, "But I'm trying to watch for our bills! Why don't you think I'm being a good lover??"
Gender is just a social construct - an energy game to flirt with, to simulate the chase. Rather than worrying about what men/women like, instead try to figure out what your partner likes. And do that.
she took them both and then told me to go away.
Cold blooded. That wasn't the last time being romantic left me thoroughly owned or told that I was creepy.