In one of my Marriage Enrichment Seminars, the subject of domestic chores came up. The room suddenly became animated. One woman complained that her husband, an electrical engineer, didn't know how to use the dishwasher. He shot back with, "Really, honey? Like the way you don't know how to use the lawnmower, yet you can drive your sporty six-speed stick?"
I've observed that the division of household tasks is a topic that creates considerable strife between partners. The seminar couple above is a perfect example. Oftentimes, though, the issue isn't about who does the dishes or the laundry. Those are external symptoms. The underlying issues -- which can be costly from a happiness perspective -- are about fairness, equity, respect, and appreciation. Both partners want to feel like a team, and both want kudos for their hard work. But, how do we measure equity and fairness when it comes to home labor? If both partners participate in the upkeep of the home, but in different ways, shouldn't they both be appreciated? And yet, is doing the dishes every day equal to a once-a-week lawn mowing job? For the wife in the above scenario, the answer was apparently no.
In my long-term study of married couples, those couples who feel as though they are working together for the management of the house and that the division of tasks is fair are the happiest couples over time. This is especially important for wives and how they see the marriage. In a very telling finding from my marriage study, when wives perceive equity and fairness in tasks around the home, they report being happier and more content in their marriages.
Housework Means More Sex. You've no doubt read one of the many articles lately about the fact that men enjoy more frequent sex when they do more housework. There have been a number of studies that reconfirm this. The gist is this: Seeing her man work around the home is a powerful aphrodisiac for a woman. And it makes sense. After all, a man who invests time and sweat equity in the kids and home is signaling to his mate, on a very primal level, that he cares about her, wants to help her, and that the home is important to him too.
Doing the Work Reduces Conflict. A study published in Social Science Quarterly found that when working spouses got outside help with household chores and caregiving to relieve stress, marital conflicts increased. The researchers theorized that participating in the upkeep of the home and caregiving of the children helps partners feel more committed to each other and to the family.
Sharing the Work Leads to Happiness. Sharing domestic chores and responsibilities, such as childcare, also reduces stress and is positively associated with relationship happiness. When the happiest wives in my study were asked, "How much does your husband help in childcare responsibilities?" more than three quarters of them (78 percent) said "a lot" compared with only 50 percent of the other wives.
Division of Labor Does Not Have to Be Equal. The housework doesn't have to be divided equally between you and your partner; it just has to be divided equitably, as seen by each spouse. In other words, each member should feel that their share of household responsibilities is fair. Maybe the wife does more of the shopping and cooking, but she is fine with that because he brings in more income, and that helps to pay for a weekly cleaning service. And of course, the meaning can differ from one couple to another about what that fair division might be. For one couple, it might be seen as fair for the wife to do the laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, and childcare, while the husband does all the grocery shopping, household repair, and yard work. For another couple, fairness is 50-50 in all household responsibilities.
Strategies for Her -- Don't judge; be specific. If you're a woman and you want your partner to help around the house, let him do what he does, even if it isn't perfect. If you criticize him for not doing a task like you do it, he'll lose the motivation to help you and withdraw from you and the relationship. So he uses the wrong size baggie when he packs the cookies in their lunch bag. It's okay! So he puts the knives in the fork compartment in the drawer when he unloads the dishwasher. It's not the end of the world! Also, don't expect him to remember everything you want him to get at the grocery store without a list. Make a very specific list of the groceries you'd like him to buy at the store. Tell him the exact time he needs to pick up your daughter at soccer practice. Write down the specific cold remedy flavor the kids actually don't mind taking when he heads out to the drugstore.
Strategies for Him -- Offer often; find jobs. If you're a man, remember that you should continue to ask your partner if you can help with household chores, even if she consistently says "No, thanks." The problem arises when you stop asking if you can help, even if she tells you she doesn't need your help. Also, remember that there are many, many tasks around the house. If she's doing the laundry or the dishes, make sure you help and perform other tasks such as taking out the garbage, yard work, grocery shopping, or car repairs.
Since divvying up household chores is a hot button topic for so many couples, I encourage partners to discuss this issue with each other even before they get married or live together. Once you arrive at a division of household chores that feels fair, a new sense of harmony will settle over your relationship.
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David Code: Top 3 Myths of Parenting and Marriage (PHOTOS)
More American men need to insist their wives get off their butts and start earning the maximum paycheck possible.
More money = more sex.
This cuts out a lot of squabbling over who does what.
I highly recommend it if you can afford it.
"..I do know that divorce can lead to wiping up the floor with someone who deserves it" too cute!
What can she do about all these expectations? Is it any wonder why every career woman would like to have a "wife?" Here is a proposed solution:
First list all the expectations loaded onto your shoulders. Then choose only those that are right for you to fulfill. The other expectations, that you have decided not to fulfill, delegate to others in the family and/or hire people to provide the support you need to manage the home.
Then go ahead and feel guilty-free as you close the door on "Superwoman"....from getting real by liberating yourself from all those old expectations of yourself and others.
someone calculated that the value of a lady who only works in the home , is a mother , doesnt have a paycheck job... is about $ 38 000 dollars . thats how much it would cost[ to pay for] to do what a housewive traditionally has done. so to make a job for a lady pay financially she needs to make 2x $ 38 000
[ taking taxes into account ] eventually every matter involves dharma . what the natural cosmic inclinations of persons are.
there is no average person there is only uniqueness
universities might examine whether their learned generalizations are actually better than those of the catholic church
Having said that, there is a kindness and respect in our home. There is trust, there is compassion and there is the willingness to ALWAYS stop what one is doing to listen to the other. Of course, we are both independent people so we don't spend alot of time interrupting the other needlessly. And there is NO NAGGING or attitude on anybody's part. He's my best friend. He's an incredible work partner and has an amazing work ethic. We've moved literal mountains doing projects together in our yard. We're committed to the idea of 'homesteading' and I run our farm/garden and he has a full time job outside the house in addition to what he does here.
I think the 'vision sharing' is such a big thing. I'm not sure you've really fine tuned what you're vision is in your 20's. So perhaps age is a factor as well. But having someone that 'fits YOU' is so very important. Going into a marriage and attempting to 'change' someone is a recipe for disaster.
I have noticed though, that women don't necessarily assign points fairly. Remodeling the bathroom does not get you any surplus points, neither does replacing the hot water heater or re-piping for a different brand of water softener and installing it. I did get some points for painting three rooms, replacing the undercounter lights with LED's and replacing all the electrical outlets in the kitchen with nicer ones that matched the paint.
She is also moderately grateful for building her and myself a home office in the front of the house, but none of it replaces doing chores.
I used to be married to a guy who would do these massive projects, but day to day, he did very little around the house. Granted, this is not why we divorced. But he seemed to feel that the massive projects were his papal dispensation from doing other things. From my perspective, his view was that because he did the "big, significant" things, they were more important than the mundane but necessary things (i.e., the things I was expected to do). And yes, that got old. As did the feeling that I was doing those things because I was a lesser partner in the marriage.
Not saying that this is the case with you. But saying that in a way, I understand your wife's perspective on those big jobs.
Here's the guy perspective: This remodel stuff contributes to the whole house and family thing and it is an enormous outlay of time. Whereas emptying the dishwasher might take fiften minutes, some of these projects take a couple of weeks or more. So eighty hours of work is equivalent to emptying the dishwasher once a day for almost a year.
I would never imply that this stuff is more important or that my wife is somehow inferior for not doing the big stuff; it's all equal to me in terms of status.
But there is no denying that the remodel stuff is also hard. I'm not talking about skill here, I'm talking about physically demanding in a way that stresses the body a great deal. Bruises, cuts, muscle strains, back spasms, that sort of thing. That's not even counting the crap you end up breathing down into your delicate lungs.
So when I've accomplished some of this stuff there is a feeling that I should get some sort of credit for it beyond a mere thank you.
My husband does 100% of the cooking and grocery shopping. I pretty much do everything else, including bill paying, all the housework, laundry. We both feel so appreciated and respected. I feel so taken care of by him, and the pressure is off of me on one huge daily task and one weekly task. One of the things this means is that, when I am doing the vacuuming or the laundry, it NEVER occurs to me to feel angry with him if he happens to be sitting on the couch doing a crossword.
Yes to housework = more sex. If I had one piece of advice for men, it would be: take control of 100% of one or two of the major household (i.e. not traditionally male) tasks. And do it WELL. (Up to her standards or better.) This will get you more sex. And it will get you measurably less nagging/arguing. This is one of the best ways to make your spouse feel appreciated. Fairness, equity, respect, appreciation.