Go to a popular news site like The Huffington Post and plug the term "mars venus" into the search field. At least a dozen blogs come up, making reference to men and women speaking "different languages." The dogma of John Gray's "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" is everywhere, and it appears positioned to get even bigger with Summit Entertainment reportedly acquiring the film and TV rights to Gray's franchise.
Why should we care? According to scientific research and Deborah Cameron's "The Myth of Mars and Venus," Gray has "he" versus "she" communication all wrong.
Turn to any Mars/Venus-based resource, and you'll hear that men and women are fundamentally different in the way they use language to communicate. The supposed differences between the sexes, they say, are due to nature, not nurture; humans are hard-wired so that females excel in verbal tasks -- explaining why she wants to talk his ears off about feelings, needs and "where we're at," and why he is so turned off by such attempts.
Yet, as Cameron's book points out, the data on gender communication differences indicates otherwise:
Myth: Females talk more than males.
Fact: A review of 56 research studies by Deborah James and Janice Drakich found 34 that reported that men talk more than women, with females talking more than males in only two studies. A more recent University of Arizona study in the journal Science reported that both genders speak almost the exact same number of words daily (16,000).
Myth: Females are more verbally skilled than males.
Fact: While a 2005 meta-analysis of studies on gender differences in verbal/communicative behavior by Janet Shibley Hyde found a moderate effect size favoring women, it also revealed that there was a close to zero effect for reading comprehension, vocabulary and verbal reasoning.
Myth: Females seek to connect with others, while males use language with the intention of accomplishing things.
Fact: Studies by researchers Kathy O'Leary and Pamela Fishman indicate that the genders may differ in patterns because they're engaged in different activities or are playing different conversational roles. These differences don't necessarily appear when males and females are doing the same things or playing same roles.
Myth: Females use language cooperatively, because they prefer harmony and equality.
Fact: Hyde's meta-analysis indicated that there was a moderate effect size for women when it came to smiling during conversations. There was also a small effect size for them when it came to speech production, talkativeness, affiliative speech and self-disclosure. Still, who's to say that this isn't due to nurture and not nature, especially when there's no data to support the former?
Myth: Males are more direct and not as polite in communicating.
Fact: Hyde's meta-analysis showed that there was only a small effect size favoring males when it came to conversational interruption and assertive speech. There's actually more variation in communication within each gender than there is when you compare any differences between men and women.
As the research shows, the language skills of men and women are nearly identical. Yet the myths they debunk are still used to support the premise that the genders are regularly misunderstanding each other due to mere genetics. With the media fully on-board the Mars/Venus bandwagon, "failure to communicate" across genders has been used to explain everything from why men don't take out the garbage upon request to why a rapist didn't understand his victim's attempts to resist. Ultimately, both genders suffer.
Men are sized up as inarticulate, aggressive Neanderthals, incapable of feeling emotions and being sensitive. Women are criticized for being overly cooperative and caring doormats. Such discrimination shapes beliefs and influences actions, both personally and professionally.
When it comes to mating, he is supposed to be allowed to "go into his cave" when times get tough or when there's something that needs to be done or discussed. Maintaining the relationship becomes her responsibility, requiring that she accommodate his communication style.
When it comes to the job market, females are supposedly better at jobs involving communication and empathy, while men are supposed to be better suited for analyzing complex systems. She is favored when it comes to jobs involving teaching, nursing and counseling. He is considered better suited to occupy positions of power and authority, as in engineering, banking and politics.
Anybody who is truly enlightened and who knows anything about males, females and relationships knows that that is all wrong. Still, the Mars/Venus phenomenon continues to make millions. When will we let science command the "he versus she" communication conversation?
Follow Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright on Twitter: www.twitter.com/YvonneFulbright
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Laura
Families of Two
http://laviechildfree.com
The polar people are becoming somewhat of a rarity nowadays and the Mars/Venus thing is explaining less and less of the general population. Just what causes PCOS anyways? Any studies published recently? or talks given at the International Endocrine Conference? in San Diego? last year?
Instead .. when a man retreats to his man cave she should "go shopping", "call a girlfriend for a good chat", "see a therapist", "listen to self improvement tapes", "treat herself to something delicious"
How can you debunk that. It is like a universal law.
Surprising Gray does not say more about the law of the "female kitchen"
After all a woman controls the health and happiness of the whole family through the kitchen.
Surely it is as important as a man's cave. Men need to know when to stay out of the "female kitchen" ... and when they have visiting privileges.
Or else they will get the beak of the big mama hen!
Men and women need to know more about these kind of aspects in their natures in order to function more harmoniously. Right?
Same issue with the Creationists vs Scientists. Sadly, people prefer a fluid myth over stats and data points.
Still, I agree with a comment that it's just a different generalization, we deal with people, oftentimes, individually. So whether you have certain expectations for a gender's behavior, you are still dealing with one person. I don't like talking about my emotions, a big part of that is I don't feel strongly and what I do feel tends to fade fairly quickly, does that fit me as a stereotypical male, sure, but all the research in the world doesn't change that I personally don't have a lot to say about my emotions. And that's fine. It would remain fine if either, 1) I was a woman or 2) remained a man but was the opposite.
Fulbright's background includes "Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots" and "Sultry Sex Talk to Seduce Any Lover" published by (get this) Quiver Books. Is she suggesting that men and women talk and act the same in bed? She also wrote separate books: "His Guide to Going Down" and "Her Guide to Going Down." At least she admits there are SOME differences!
Fulbright's sex books have barely sold on Amazon, even with the super-erotic titles. Seems like she saw there will be a John Gray movie and TV series and she's trying to leach onto his fame.
http://stareoutthewindow.com
I agree with you.
If women ruled the world, there would be no wars; countries would just tease each other until they developed eating disorders.