02/15/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The Russia-Ukraine Gas Crisis

As representatives from Ukraine and Russia are getting ready to meet on Saturday to discuss the gas row, Europeans are being frozen to the edge, going so far as to burn their beloved 1992 David Hasselhoff Calendars to stay warm. Agreements made this week have fallen apart, so in order to end this crisis, we must get to the bottom of it. Using the only international laws that are ever truly followed: the Laws of the School Yard.

Whoever Smelt It, Dealt It: Russia and Gazprom first accused Ukraine of siphoning off gas and not paying their bill, knowing full well that the best defense is a good offense. What better way to divert attention away from yourself than to accuse somebody else? Advantage: Ukraine

Whoever Denied, It Supplied It: The first rule to getting off the hook for pretty much anything is Deny, deny, deny which means that the more adamant the denials, the more likely the guilt. Ukraine has been denying like O.J.
Advantage: Russia

Whoever Kept It, Hidden Did the Forbidden: Both Russia and Ukraine have been excessively vocal in making their cases, while others have remained a little too quiet on the subject. The likes of Somalia, Ethiopia, Hamas, Israel, Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, and Zimbabwe can easily be ruled out, but someone else clearly had a role in this.
Advantage: China

Whoever Did the Dance, Pooped Their Pants: Ukraine has stated that Russia is trying to send the gas through pipelines that are being used to send its own reserves in the opposite direction and the dance between the countries continues the crisis.
Advantage: Europeans with electric heat.

Milk, Milk, Lemonade Around the Corner Fudge Is Made: Germany is often referred to as the Land of Chocolate, which includes fudge. Germany is also well known for its beer, which has been sticking to the Reinheistgebot, or Beer Purity Law since 1487. Who needs milk and lemonade when you have chocolate and beer? As an added bonus little Adolph Hitler and his sisters were taken from their parents for undisclosed reasons, a deafening blow to neo-Nazis everywhere.
Advantage: Germany

The Pen15 Club: Being that it only works in English, there is no Le Stylo15 Club (that's French), the club had to have originally formed in England. Hence, Gordon Brown could easily solve this crisis by having Ukraine and Russia join the club. The capital "P," lowercase "en," and little "15" written on your hand requirement to join the club would unite Ukraine and Russia in embarrassment.
Advantage: Everyone who has ever convinced somebody else to let them write penis on his hand.

Doorknob: No one has yet called "doorknob" so it remains the ultimate trump card in this crisis. Once invoked, whoever started the crisis will have to immediately run to touch a doorknob, incurring a plethora of punches to the shoulder until the objective is accomplished.
Advantage: No one yet, but look for the truly guilty party to declare "Safety" before Saturday's meeting to ensure immunity.