12/15/2008 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Marriage, Money and LDS Possibilities

I live in the sacred hub of gay marriage, Provincetown, Massachusetts. When the right for gays to marry was granted here in May, 2004 there was a collective cheer. People started flock to our town from all over for more than the usual reason which is getting laid for the night; they came here to get laid for life. I don't mean to make light, but let's call it what it is.

My dear departed and very heterosexual friend Norman Mailer (six marriages -- all to females) once called marriage an excrementitious union. Ruthless, yes, but spot on. Personally, I believe everyone has the right to screw up their life as they see fit and so did Norman. He told me, his gay assistant, that if gay people want to gamble away their sanity then let them. Marriage is not an easy union, regardless of genitalia. Fifty percent end abysmally. This begs the question: why do the Mormons want to keep gays out of it? What is it with the "Latter Day Saints" (who are not, of late, acting very Saintly) who feel they must chisel a line into the constitution asserting marriage as being only between male and female? Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't they once move their entire compound 1500 miles west to the sticks of Utah to be able to practice marriage as a union between a man and a woman and a woman and a woman and yet another woman? To their defense (and I'm reaching here) they later altered their tenet to "keep up with the moral values of the time." Nonetheless, they once did demand the right to hoard wives. Twisted? Perhaps, but it worked for them until they saw the light -- or the lawman coming, depending on whom you believe. So, if they could change before then why can't they rally up the sense to do it again?

The Mormon Church (LDS -- they're fond of acronyms) is indeed a benevolent organization. They do abundant good in the world by way of their charity work, their strong philosophy of sanitary, sober, caffeine-free living and their ardent advocacy of education (BYU is nothing to be sneezed at -- look it up). Lastly, they're quite good with cash. They did manage to raise $20 million in a matter of months to pass Prop eight! So, when it is ultimately overturned by a superior thinking Supreme Court I suggest they try the following to recoup their spent monies in order to do finer future deeds: spearhead the Gay Marriage Counseling Industry. (GMCI)

There are many reasons this is a good idea. God knows they've got the room (the Tabernacle in Provo is huge), they've got the brainpower (shout-out to BYU again) and they obviously have great organizational skills. Conceivably they could, one by one (or two by two as the case may be) coax their former sinner-adversaries either toward marital reconciliation or to the light of their Lord. (Heck, if they were good perhaps 50% would convert to Mormonism? Doubtful, but a thought.) In doing this the Mormons For Gay Marriage Group (MFGMG) could charge a fat fee. It would also be an excellent message of atonement, a fine way to restore their collective warm-fuzzies about the good they do. Further, if the counseling biz doesn't always work for their new clients they could perhaps shuffle them over to the attached nice, clean law firm specializing in Gay Divorce, (LDS, AALSIGD -- figure it out). After all, there's nothing like busted marriages to open up the money spigot.

So in the end, it behooves the Mormon Church to knock it off and let gay people gamble with life as they see fit. Let them love who they want, marry who they want and divorce who they want. That way everybody wins. Fifty percent of the time.