THE BLOG
03/28/2008 02:48 am ET | Updated Nov 17, 2011

The Kink In The Corner: Get That "Chauvinist" Some Handcuffs!

I wish I had a video of my reaction to something I saw on the internet yesterday. It was something partly foul, partly insulting, and it was so ridiculous, it verged on the satiric. I'm not talking about "2 Girls, 1 Cup." Note: That's not a link to the video, don't worry! I'm talking about Angela Epstein's article in yesterday's Daily Mail, "I'm A Female Chauvinist Pig And Proud Of It."

A lot of this hogwash so fantastically hogwashy ("Every girl inherits the princess gene which dictates her desire for a strong male role model to cosset and comfort her,") I'm not going to address most of it, but I would like to take a look at this little nugget:

Power means convincing those you protect that everything's under control. For this reason, I have always had a male obstetrician oversee my four pregnancies.

And though female midwives help you through labour, when your blood pressure goes into overdrive how wonderful it feels when the male doctor dashes in to sort things out.

I wanted the key decisions about my unborn children to be in male hands.

Do I think female doctors are less able? No, but I know who I'd rather have looking after me.

I'll try to stay away from one of my baser reactions (I don't know any guys who are into "dashing in to sort things out," which is fine by me) and move on to how badly Ms. Epstein needs to come to terms with her S&M kink.

"Wha Whaaaaa?" you say. That's right, I said it. Ms. Epstein is the "M" in the S&M. She doesn't have a "princess gene" that dictates her "desire for a strong male role model to cosset and comfort her" - what she has is a "kink" that makes her "want" to have her "boo boo's kissed."

She's been a bad, bad girl, and she wants Daddy to come and tell her she's going to be punished. She needs a man with a paddle to "look after her," and then draw her a bubble bath for her good behavior. She wants her Protector to show her that he's got "the power" and she's about to come (cough cough) "under [his] control."

Ms. Epstein and the doting flocks of the Surrendered Wives (Including Mrs. Huckabee?) have this in common: their sexual fantasies have leaked out of the bedroom and into the rest of their lives. You don't need to be Dan Savage to see that a kink, if ignored, can be the trussed Pink Elephant hanging from the gimp rope in the corner.

But rather than act out her own fantasies of waiting upon her bed of pink taffeta, her ball gag attached to her bonnet, her Bo Peep shepherd's staff looming threateningly over cherubic skin, she feels the need to attribute her fetish for weakness, submission, and "innocent" coyness to all women.

Our proud chauvinist's belief that we all just want to be rescued is a classic stream of women-hating: the condescension that women are too flighty, too childish, too emotional, too silly or too angelic to handle something like giving birth in this case.

If being helpless is your kink, then more power to you. Just don't foist your jollies on to me, and the rest of womankind.

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