2008 Enemies List: The Top Ten Vile Persons Who Forced Us To Lose Weight
Power lists, as we all know, are pure tripe. Forbes, Vanity Fair, and Entertainment Weekly have been doing lists for years; and it's always the same old dingbats riding at the top.
So Flaab.com is releasing its first annual Enemies List. It is an unusual list because it's compiled and ranked strictly on how much people weigh. On Flaab, dieters bet money on how many pounds they will lose; and if they don't lose the weight, the money goes to their Worst Enemy. (If they do lose the weight, they get their money back.)
So which enemies caused dieters to shed the most?
The site launched a mere 26 days ago, but because it's designed by recent Stanford economics grad Kenneth Shaw for maximum humiliation, nauseating enemies quickly emerged:
Enemy #1 Paris Hilton
Gripped by the fear that Miss Hilton would use his bet money for "anal bleaching," Jason Epstein lost 16.5 pounds in an astonishing 23 days.
Epstein's Wager: $1000 on dropping 10 pounds by 1/16/09
Enemy #2 Husband's' Ex-Girlfriend
Tiffany Michelle Long's loathing caused by the "scum-sucking, manipulative, severely unstable" but flirtatious Rebekah resulted in 12.1 pounds melting from Long's body in time to make her deadline on Christmas day.
Long's Bet: $300 to lose 10 pounds by 12/25/08
Enemy #3 Keith Smart(Basketball star whose shot won the 1987 NCAA Championship for Indiana)
10.5 pounds have been technically fouled-off Hunt Ethridge since the site launched.
Ethridge's Bet: $300 on dribbling off 10 pounds by 1/8/09 (Bobby Knight will be proud!)
Enemy #4 Bernard Madoff
Madoff has "absolutely wiped out" Keren Abina-Sotomayer's 8.5 pounds in a tense 25 days.
Abina-Sotomayer's Wager: $300 to lose 10 pounds by 1/8/09
Enemy #5 Bill O'Reilly
Whenever college student, Alek Mackie, lacks motivation, he clicks Flip Out. Needless to say, Mackie has lost nearly twice the pounds of his wager.
Mackie's Bet: $100 on dropping 5 pounds by 1/6/09
Enemy #6 George W. Bush
Several people have chosen the 43rd President as their Worst Enemy, but Donna McNeely who swears she will "drink Drano" before "the boob" gets "a penny" from her, has bravely left parties so as to impeach 6.2 pounds off in 22 days.
McNeely's bet: $200 to lose 16 pounds by 3/1/2009
Enemy #7 J.K. Rowling
Mack Rawden "hates J.K. Rowling for not having the guts, conviction or balls to out Dumbledore when it actually mattered;" and has cursed off 6 pounds in three weeks.
Rawden's bet: $250 on shedding 20 pounds by 1/25/2009
Enemy #8 Monsieur Haagen Dazs
This KILLS!
Enemy #9 Pope Benedict XVI
The wrath of "The Poop" has excommunicated 6 pounds off the devastatingly beautiful Deanna Director and confined her to the bath tub.
Director's Bet: $500 to lose 10 pounds by 1/5/09
Enemy #10 The Irksome Co-Worker
Tom, Irene Shih's co-worker, has annoyed 3 pounds off the unruffled Irene to keep her on track.
Shih's Bet: $100 on dropping 5 pounds by 1/2/09
Hope you're delighted to see some of your favorites on the list (Sarah Palin seems to be excellent for maintaining weight -- i.e, you bet money on losing/gaining zero pounds).
We all know it's been reported in The Journal of the American Medical Association that cash works better than carbs; but if you had more enemies, you'd be absolutely perfect!
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Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Phil and their incestant diatribe on weight loss; as if we all have not heard this before. . .makes one too sick to think about eating for at least the duration of their shows, when I find the strength and tolerace to even watch such a waste of production time.
Maybe both of them could better use their "skills" to shed some light on the issues facing every citizen in this country. . .but then again, a give-aways, at the expense of the sponsors probably gets more ratings. Such a waste of air-time and people time.
I guess I'd better gain some weight, so I can lose some. Sounds like everyone is having fun. Oh yah; and I guess I'd better find me an enemy too. Mmmmm let me think about it!? Great article. Great site. Now on to the chocolates!
"Enemy #1 Paris Hilton. Gripped by the fear that Miss Hilton would use his bet money for "anal bleaching," Jason Epstein lost 16.5 pounds in an astonishing 23 days."
You know, just the thought of Paris Hilton in conjunction with anal bleaching is enough to make me lose my appetite for at least two days.
Who needs Jenny Craig when you have iron-clad contempt!
Wow, what a terrific Top Ten List. I'm sure it's the only Top Ten List this year that'll include, The Pope, Bill O'Reilly, W, and Paris Hilton. Well, maybe this list and my list for the Top Ten People Who'd Make Me Really Uncomfortable If I had To Sit Next To Them At The Obama Inauguration.
So, here's my list of the Top Ten Reasons I Gained Five Pounds In 2008:
1) Was told that belly fat was the new six-pack.
2) My discovery of cracked pepper kettle-style potato chips, or as I like to call them: Satan's Potatoes.
3) Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween---all of which were clearly invented by the supermarket industry to make us all buy excessive amounts of food.
4) Heard a rumor that sit-ups cause Genital Warts.
5) My jogging shoes were too tight.
6) My addiction to E.Jean's Advice Vixens. How the heck am I supposed to exercise when I'm waiting to see if anyone is going to respond to my witty post about about Britney Spears' creepy dad?
7) I thought I'd caught mono from an unclean girl, but it turns out I'm just really lazy.
8) I suffer from crippling I'll-do-it-tomorrowness.
9) I heard Kate Winslett likes her men a little chubby. Call me, Kate.
10) Is the year over already? I thought I had more time. *sigh*
i like your list, hope kate winslet does too!
You neglected to mention all that Easter candy. Are you hogging it by any chance?
hahahahahahahaha... I like your list... hahahahahaha
I lost 11 pounds betting on Flaab this month. The thought of my $500 going to my LEAST favorite cause, was almost eerily motivating. Highly recommended!
Um, let's not forget to weigh in with Dick Cheney!
I can't believe W and Madoff are not at the top of the heap!!
There's always fat to lose as long as evil exists in this world!
http://www.flaab.com/flaabWorld.php?type=bloggers&suggestionID=12
I think people will find it quite surprising how simple weight loss becomes when you have money, pride AND vanity on the line.
See Jilly Gagnon's Profile
The next step: betting against each other. I mean, if the biggest loser works, there has to be something to direct competition...
The key element to any goal is unyielding commitment. That combined with a fun wager, and the camaraderie of the wonderful people united on the Flaab.com site – I can assure you that my husband’s ex-girlfriend will not receive any money from me, because I will reach my weight loss objectives, and so will my fellow-Flaabers!
Read Angel Logan's latest entry: http://www.flaab.com/flaabWorldBlog.php?blogID=760
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