Ask E. Jean: How Do I Get a Celebrity To Marry Me?

01/02/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Dear E. Jean: Two years ago I fell in love with a legendary superstar when he walked into an exhibition I was having in New York. He's twenty years older, a creative genius, and busier than anyone I've ever known. I see him at best three times a month, at worst once a month.

He has an army of gorgeous, vivacious models/celebrities at his beck and call. This has been the cause of conflict in his past marriages. For me, "The Model Issue" has been obscured because we share the same artistic ambitions and he inspires me in my work. Is this a difficult one, Ms. E. Jean?

When I ventured (once!) to define us, he disappeared for two months. Should I pack it in? I guess my fear is turning on the news and seeing he's engaged to someone more special, and less difficult than I. -- Almost Famous

Almost, My Luv: Unfortunately the great art of boffing a superstar is no longer comme il faut. Lately it's been replaced by begging the superstar for an introduction to his dealer, Larry Gagosian. So imagine my delight at your letter! In the old days (back in the 20th Century) I used to telephone young ladies who wrote to me about their celebrity love affairs and excitedly inquire who the star was. The most famous turned out to be a guitarist in a band whose album did "very well" in Japan in 1987. So I'm praying your dude is Lucian Freud, Jeff Koons, or Damien Hirst.

But no matter. Forcing him see you more often or stopping him from becoming engaged to "someone more special" is impossible. You can't control what he does any more than Frieda Kahlo could control her eyebrow tweezers. Therefore you may do anything you like with the old codger -- love him, leave him, paint his buttocks green -- you're an artist, you're supposed to be "difficult."

And now, my darlings, because "superstars" and the people who want to be ravished by them never take my advice, to heck with it. I offer these stunning astrological predictions:

I now divine that you will click here for more advice: