Ask E. Jean: How Oprah Can Lose that 40 Pounds

My Dear Oprah: I've seen you on the cover of your magazine saying that you are "mad at yourself" because you've gained forty pounds. My Queen! I have a solution for you! Indeed, I'd like to see you try to keep the weight on after you have a whirl at this.

Go to Flaab.com. Decide how much money it's worth to lose those forty pounds forever----$15? $50? $150? $5,500? (We both know people who've spent $10,000 a year since the Reagan Administration trying to lose the same twenty pounds, right?) Decide the date by which you want to lose the weight.

Then tell me the name of your worst enemy. (Those Texas Meat Men? David Duke? I know, I know you are worshiped around the world as a goddess, but you must loathe someone. For instance, do you adore the people who kill the whales? You dislike people who kill whales, correct?) Fine. People who kill the whales it is. Because however much money you bet, Auntie Eeee is going to send that money to the Kill the Whales organization if you don't lose the weight.

Yes, and to make absolutely certain you don't "fall back into bad eating habits" the note I'm sending to the Kill the Whales people (along with your money) will say you're such a delightful dingbat that you want the Kill The Whales people to go out to dinner with your cash because you're no longer feeling "frisky and sexy" and can't manage to lose the forty pounds.

Of course, you'll get the money back if you do lose the weight. Not that you'll be able to look at food again.

So let's do it, Oprah. The $40 billion-a-year diet industry has used you in their stupid ads long enough! You can help feed the world's hungry by stipulating that the United Nations Food Programme receives a percentage of the money you put down.

And, by the by, there's no cheating, Miss Oprah! You provide the names of friends, like Gayle or Stedman, and whomever catches you on your weigh-in day, gets a portion of the cash if you miss your goal. And best of all? You can maintain your svelte self by stipulating the cash goes to the Kill the Whales people if you gain a pound back. Enjoy!

Ravishing Regards,
E. Jean

http://www.flaab.com/indexFlaab.php

Comments

[FdeBear]

Dearest E.Jean,

I'm waiting for you too.

Lovingly,

Madame Menopause

[JayCole]

It's easier to accomplish a goal when you have others counting on you.

Back in my college basketball days, Coach had the team run a 5 mile mile Indian run. An Indian run is when every member of the team runs in a single file line for a substantial amount of time. (What starts out as a quick jog feels like a grueling pace after the second mile.) Anyhow, the person in back of the 15 man line has to sprint to the front and yell NEXT. This repeats itself until the entire team completes the 5 mile run.

Everybody on the team gets dog tired, but nobody gives up. NOBODY! The reason I never gave up wasn't because I was in better condition than anyone else, I just didn't want to let my team down. We all sucked up the pain and kept moving forward because we realized that what we were doing was bigger than ourselves. If I quit running, I'd not only be letting the team down, I'd be letting down the coaches, the school, and the fans.

In conclusion, there's a lot of bad and corrupt things going on in the world. If eating healthier and losing weight is a goal Oprah has, E. Jean's proposal is a sure way to keep the weight off. Oprah is a great example of a role model so I couldn't imagine her losing money to an organization that supports something contrary to her values.

[E. Jean Carroll - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks for reading the story and commenting, Jay! I loved your line..."Bigger than ourselves!"

[cheekie]

Yes, Oprah should visit Flaab and inspire us all! What a great way to donate some money to charity as well. I looove the Million Little Pieces idea! Lol!

[E. Jean Carroll - Huffpost Blogger]

Just the IDEA of Oprah is inspirational.

The woman carries the weight of the world's poor and desperate on her shoulders. All we are trying to do at Flaab.com is lose a little unhealthy weight----­-------and beautify the solar system.

[E. Jean Carroll - Huffpost Blogger]

Just the IDEA of Oprah is inspirational!
'

[Leslea]

She should have to plug The Corrections AND A Million Little Pieces on her Favorite Things show if she doesn't take the weight back off.

Then let Nan Talese take over her mic for the day.

[E. Jean Carroll - Huffpost Blogger]

HAHAHAHA! That's the best idea I've heard all day!

[TMLong]

This country is full of people that are not happy unless they are complaining, whining and hating on something. It's also the FATTEST PLACE ON EARTH.

What better way to slim down the haters than to give them a place to hone in on their hatred of whatever by putting their money, vanity, and pride on the line.

Flaab.com should be mandatory for all health care professionals.

There is nothing more hilariously contradictory than seeing a HEART doctor that's 200+ pounds overweight telling you to diet and exercise.

[E. Jean Carroll - Huffpost Blogger]

You are onto something here, TMLong!

Hate is an emotion which can drive a person to the top of the career mountain, to cure a disease,
to look better than a best friend, etc. It whips us to excel.

It is an extremely handy emotion.

We are USING it to lose weight at flaab.com.

[OhSuzanna]

That is seriously brilliant. Just think if we could get the country to do this as a pact we could solve the national debt. The diet industry rakes in billions for products that don't work. This would kill two birds with one stone.

[E. Jean Carroll - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank You, Miss Oh!

[jillygagnon]

I just like the idea that Oprah is important enough that not only can her weight gains be documented, both up and down, but her FEELINGS about her weight gains are cover-story worthy.

If she decides to lose it, the economy will bounce back faster than her ba-donk-a-etc. -- she'll book club her diet plan, tell us which organic vegetables to buy from, and remind us where to work out...

Which means of course she should suck it up and head over to Flaab for the nation's sake.

[E. Jean Carroll - Huffpost Blogger]

Indeed, Miss Jilly! It is astonishing how the diet industry clings to Oprah like a leach! The bigger the diet industry grows, the fatter Americans grow.

On my facebook profile at least 20 different ads for diets "as seen on Oprah" run a day. The woman
should get a cut!

Flaab is working brilliantly, btw! People can stipulate that their money goes to the UN World Food Programme.

[fayeruz]

E. Jean,
Awesome. Perhaps this "Kill the Whales" campaign will put an end to her decades-long weight obsession! Just keep an eye out for Dr. Phil, she's probably already sent him out with a basebal bat. He's probably already annoyed with you for mastering the art of advice - AND humor!

[JohnwGreco]

www.flaab.com---Love the site! Love the idea!

Hey Oprah...If you're looking for a new worst enemy, I'm your man!

[DenverKelli]

Clever idea on how to encourage Ms. O on losing her extra pounds. If I were to give away money, I wouldn't want to give it to my worst enemy either. This should be a good motivator.

Take Care,
Kelli

[ccPhoenix]

flaab.com is it, Oprah - save the whales and save your sweet self at the same time - EJean is the bomb when it comes to advice - and we Vixens will cheer you all the way.

Just Do it!

[PeculiarB]

I've already signed up and I'm three pounds down after one week of calorie counting. I EVEN made up the christmas cookie and cocktail parties consumed one night in the days following. I'm usually a big cheat on diets but I bet $500 of my precious money that I can lose ten this month. Tony Perkins and the FRC get that money if I fail. Then they'll put my cash to work against gay marriage-- I can't STAND the thought!

This is the high octane of diets.

[DaNiced]

Oprah and E. Jean, both of you ladies know how to talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?

I say Miss Oprah accepts the challenge and here's a twist, Auntie Eeee, you match it dollar for dollar! But the matched dollars are if Miss Oprah drops the forty pounds. Oh yeah, and the matched dollars goes to Miss Oprah's favorite charitable foundation.

Up for a challenge Miss Eeee? Miss Oooo?

[EhvWon]

Oprah, I started blogging and flaabing a few weeks back and have lost six pounds...if this "regular Jane," Midwestern girl can do it, surely a nymph like you can do it...E.Jean has invented the most scathingly brilliant motivation yet!! Who wants to fail and give their worst enemy money?? Not me!!

[MirandaR]

Genius! Genius! Genius!

We are either now going to have a nation filled with skinny minis or Kill The Whales is going to see a massive influx of donations!