How to Sell Your Maidenhead

DEAR E. JEAN: I'm a twenty-one-year-old virgin fishing for a sugar daddy who'll launch me into a life of caviar and beautiful clothes. I've recently heard about the American grad student auctioning off her virginity. She's currently considering bids up to $3.7 million. I want to attempt the same. It would take care of my college loans, and I could live on the interest and be free to develop my career and talents.

The breaking of the hymen is reportedly painful and disappointing anyway. Why should I waste my purity on a "meaningful" college boyfriend or a saggy sugar daddy when I can receive a pot of gold all in one go? How would I go about notifying these wealthy barons without attracting attention? Would it be appropriate to contact this virgin-almost-millionairess and persuade her to spare me a few bidders? Or should I hire the traditional Madame?----The Hungry Virgin

HUNGRY, MY SMARTY PANTS: Auntie Eeee thinks affectionately of your hymen and wishes the best for it; but it's unfashionable these days to snatch another young lady's bidders. (Hymen-auctioning is as old as ... well, men invented virginity and they've been paying for it ever since.)

So please email Dennis Hof at [e-mail]. He told me on the phone he'd be delighted to put your maidenhead on the block and that "bids could start around $50,000." Mr. Hof's the hawker of the nubile grad student you mentioned, Miss Natalie "Deflower-Me-for-Three-Million" Dylan. "She got a book deal, a movie deal, and now we're working on a new TV show," said Mr. Hof, excitedly. He was in the midst of shooting an episode of Celebrity Rehab featuring my good friend Heidi Fleiss. (You know, of course, that Mr. Hof is the Akira Kurosawa of passion. His current show runs on HBO and is called Cathouse.)

"Oh! What's your new show called?" I asked him.

"America's Next Top Virgin," said Mr. Hof.

"So definitely have [Miss Hungry Virgin] email me and anyone else who's interested!" Mr. Hof is the proprietor of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch, the legal brothel in Mound House, Nevada. "One last thing," I said, "Before I hang up: How much money did Miss Dylan and her vagina actually pull in?"

"Unfortunately," said Mr. Hof, "the highest bidder at three point seven million dollars was an Australian businessman, and he reconciled with his wife. Miss Dylan offered to return the $250,000 deposit. In fact, I called him and said 'we're returning it;' but he said: 'No, give it to the girl.' So she got a quarter of a million dollars and bids are starting again!"

I can't tell you how heartened I am to hear men are still such imbeciles. Only a competitive muttonhead would ply a semi-good-looking grad student with bags of greenbacks to obtain what 99.9% of us would give lovingly away.

My friend, Tracy Quan, never backward when it comes to marketing anything between her eyebrows and kneecaps, and the author of the deliciously witty Diary of a Manhattan Call Girl, was appalled -- shocked! -- to hear your idea. "She's trying to sell something," said Tracy, "which should never be sold. I treasure my memories of my first lover. To be a good business woman, you need good romantic experience."

Invent an engine which runs on water fuel, create a cellulite cream that works, there are better ways to make a fortune in this world -- without turning yourself into an asshole. So it's up to you, Miss Hungry. It's your hymen: Keep it, lend it, groom it, or donate it to a poor woman. But in Auntie Eeee's opinion, only a flimflamming trollop would sell it.

For more advice visit Elle, or click here to ask a question.

 

 

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Comments

[TamTamTam]

I disagree entirely. I'm all for legalizing prostitution. Nothing wrong with the buying and selling of sex, especially considering the economy, cost of living, cost of an education...I'm trying my damnedest to get back into school, but I have to wait to get residency in AZ to avoid out of state fees. By the time I HOPEFULLY get back into school in fall of 2010, I will be 24 and a junior working on my B.A., when I NOW have friends younger than me graduating. I'm able to look on the bright side, though...at least now, I can save all the money humanly possible so that I can afford to go to school full-time when I am finally able to, but who knows what'll happen between now and then. Who knows if I'll even be able to afford going to school full-time?

My first sexual experience was bad. and I don't mean in the "oh, he was a bad lover," sense, but in the "he raped me" sense. I agree that it is very HELPFUL to have a positive sex life, but your first experience does NOT dictate the satisfaction your sex life holds for you. If I coulda sold my virginity for $3.7 million to a person who agreed with my ground rules and was respectful, hell yes I would have. Then I could be going to school right now, and maybe working on my M.A. instead of my B.A.

[Aaror]

And prostitution happens with good reason. Men give women jewelry as the ultimate sign of affection because it is something you can sell to take care of the children he gives you. Men pay for sex because a woman may have his child after the sex, and paying for it is the best way to make sure that the child is taken care of after we go to find some other woman. Honest prostitution and jewelry are the most efficient ways to do this (go ahead and try to use the meal or movie you got from a date to pay the hospital bill at the birth).
Legal prostitution would also help us get young girls out of the business, and to regulate STD's.

[TamTamTam]

i'm not sure if you're trying to be serious or trying to be funny.

i am aware of the "jewelry for sex" idea. in some countries, it's why they have engagement rings; just in case he leaves, she can take care of herself and any children until she gets back on her feet.

in this day and age in the US, any man would be an idiot to have sex with a woman and pay her to make sure she's taken care of if she gets pregnant. it's called birth control and condoms, and if she DOES get pregnant, it's call child support.

and i agree that legalizing prostitution would help get young girls out of the business, regulating STD's? not so much. prostitutes are SMART; they protect themselves. they have to, their bodies are their livelihoods. the only way to combat STDs is through education.

[Saidas]

A woman would be a fool to not take $3 million for her virginity. And cherished memories of a first lover? Yeah, right! And how many time do you revel in that? With $3 million, she would would be set for life in many important ways...things she would revel in and cherish every day!