The Ersatz Orgasm

DEAR E. JEAN: I've successfully faked it for years with every man I've been with. In fact, I've NEVER had an orgasm with anyone but myself. (I mean never! This includes missionary position, me on top, from behind, the side, standing up, in the shower, etc.)
I'm heading into a new relationship and want to start off on the right path. This time I want my man to work as hard for me as I will for him. If the sex doesn't come easily and naturally (and signs are indicating that it won't), how do I let my new guy know that, "No, I didn't get there yet." ----Better Late than Never

BETTER: Come, come, my Tulip Bulb. Half of us are "successfully faking it" even as we read this. (And the faking has little to do with wanting to please the dude/get his approval/boost his ego, and everything to do with your anatomy.) So run get yourself a tape measure and mirror. Good. Now close the door. Does the door have a lock? All the better -- bolt it. A lady does not like being interrupted. Now, remove your drawers. Ready? Relaxed? All right. I want you to measure the distance between your clitoris and your vagina. Go on. I realize we're all experiencing a huge wince factor here, but I promise I can solve your faking problem in about thirty seconds, if you simply tell me the distance. Go ahead. I'll wait. Don't be shy. It's your clitoris.

OK. Look at the tape. If the distance is over one inch, it will be extremely difficult -- repeat: nearly impossible -- for you to experience the Great Escape with intercourse. Your clitoris -- my God! That word is unattractive! In honor of her great table-pounding scene in When Harry Met Sally I will call your clitoris "Sally" from now on. So, your Sally is packed with smokin' hot nerve endings, right? However, if your Sally is located too far from your vagina----another inelegant word; therefore I'm rechristening your vagina "Harry""----then no matter how ardently your beau blazes away at "traditional" intercourse (particularly missionary), no matter how frank you are about not "getting there yet," no matter how many instructions, compliments, enthusiastic cheers you issue to the poor chap (even if he's triple-jointed), your Sally is too far from your Harry to be stimulated and is not gonna explode with the unceasing throbs of the biggest whoop-dee-do known to woman.

I called the man who's cracking the code on your megryan-billychrystal ratio: Dr. Kim Wallen, professor of behavioral neuroendocrinology at Emory University. "Exactly what percentage of women experience orgasm through intercourse alone, Dr. Wallen?" I asked.

"One in six," said Dr. Wallen. "Our interviews are revealing that up to fifty percent of women never orgasm with intercourse alone. The problem with most surveys done before now, was they did not specifically ask about intercourse 'alone.'"

And is the main reason women don't climax with intercourse because the Sally is too far away from the Harry, I asked.

"It's not easy to measure the distance. We're working on an easier way," said Dr. Wallen, with a charming laugh. "We (he and Elizabeth Lloyd of the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University) are looking at many factors, but my feeling is the distance is very important. Women with longer distances (over three centimeters or 1.18 inches between clitoris and vagina) never experience orgasm with intercourse alone."

The lesson: Intercourse is like decorating your living room. It's all about adding your personal touch. As for what to say when you reach the fine-tuning stage of your love-making -- whilst enjoying a posh, evil oral sex romp, for instance -- a whispered (or screamed) "You're incredible! You're magnificent! I just need a little more time, and a little more slooooow caressing," or whatever. Perhaps you like fast heel-and-toe work. Be specific.

For more intriguing facts about going the distance read Mary Roach's brilliant book, Bonk.

From ELLE'S August issue. http://www.elle.com/
For more Ask E. Jean go to http://www.AskEJean.com/

Comments

[Malkin71]

How much of those statistics are influenced by Christians who only have sex with their husbands?

The fact is that many men have small penises and don't know how to compensate for it (as best they can).

If the women in the 5 of 6 category had sex with men who were large enough or skilled enough or (key) aware enough that their thrusting means little to a woman if they aren't grinding the clitoris, I wonder if these results wouldn't be different.

I would bet that 3 of 6 still would not orgasm from intercourse...but I don't think that 5 of 6 number is correct at all.

A lot of women just aren't reaching their potential.

[AdviceMaven]

Tape measures and distances, not at all the answer I was expecting. You may want to put a little conversion table as a footnote so that everyone on the metric system can find the distance between Harry and Sally too.

[kjstjohn]

Uh. The man is one of the keys here. Get out the tape measure again.

[Kessei]

The so-called "g-spot" is INSIDE the vagina and has NOTHING to do with the clitoris. In a g-spot orgasm, the clitoris doesn't provide any sensation whatsoever.

Like a previous poster, my vagina-to-clitoris length is over one inch, and I regularly orgasm from intercourse alone FROM THE G-SPOT.

These "experts" have no idea what they're talking about.

[ConstanceReader]

Would that be the G Spot that medical science has never been able to prove actually exists, and that even if it does, most women (5 in 6) obviously also don't have?

[Kessei]

Wait, so it doesn't exist, but if it did, studies have shown most women don't have one?

Logically, your argument is impossible. If it doesn't exist, then one in six women wouldn't be able to locate theirs.

And "medical science" is well aware that it does exist - it's a spongy collection of nerve bundles inside the vagina. There isn't any "secret" to its location.

[Shannon Tanski]

Just measured: more than an inch and i orgasm regularly during intercourse. I guess i'm just lucky :D

[Jilly Gagnon - Huffpost Blogger]

You forgot one key element: bring a mirror so that when you give yourself a kink in the neck and/or back, it's not simply from bending over to see the ruler.

[E. Jean Carroll - Huffpost Blogger]

Excellent idea-----the first sight of one's nethers is always an eye-opener!