Eat The Press

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Welcome to the media wayback machine, where Eat the Press has granted permission for me to resuscitate my not-so world famous Rock and a Hard Place interview from the ashes of the Black Table for sentimentality's sake. The willing participant is none other than Lesley Arfin, Vice columnist and toilet-mouthed vixen of the popular Dear Diary columns. Her first book is based on those columns and, heya, comes out just in time for summer bikini waxing season. Here's her short bio:

Lesley Arfin is 28 years old and lives in New York City. You can find her book and be it's friend on www.myspace.com/lesleyarfin. You can also preorder Dear Diary on Amazon or buy it in stores in June. She has written for Vice magazine since 2001, as well as numerous other publications that no longer ask her for submissions. Dear Diary is her first book.

Arfin, not surprisingly, was outstanding at this pseudo-media interview rope-a-dope. Vice people, you know? So, grab your Massengil and your best pair of Crocs and let's get to it. It's Lesley Arfin's world -- we just spin in it.

(NOTE TO ETP READERS: THE FOLLOWING INTERVIEW AFTER THE JUMP CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE AND OTHER THINGS NOT USUALLY FOUND ON THIS WEBSITE. YOU ARE HERE BY DISCRETIONED.)

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Albert James Daulerio III: You feelin' all hot shit about your book? And do
you have to be a cutter or zonked out on Robitussin to fully appreciate your words?

Lesley Arfin:I feel mixed about the book, trying to stay very
grounded because after all, it's just a book and a lot
of people don't read. Maybe if it were a movie or a TV
show I'd feel cooler, but really I just think it's
cool that I sought out a task to its completion. You
don't have to be fucked up to appreciate the book at
all! Maybe you have to be a person who wants to get
fucked up but doesn't entirely have the balls.

AJD: I'm guessing that you're the type of girl who
only dates emotionally fragile guys with wizard
sleeves --like they sob after sex and then lash out at
you for trying to console them. Is that an accurate
assessment? And when was the last time you barfed?

LA: The kinds of guys I like definitely have an
appreciation for wizard sleeves, although they don't
rock them and they certainly don't cry after fucking.
Ew! The last time I barfed was right now, a little in
my mouth when I imagined only dating "emotionally
fragile" dudes. Gross! I like burly type dudes who
work with their hands, chop wood and carry water.
Aryan lumberjack vibes.

AJD: Does writing for Vice actually make you
infinitely cooler than most people? And are all the drug rumors
surrounding the editorial staff true?

LA: People love to hate Vice, just like the nerds love
to hate the popular kids. When I was in my early 20s
yes, I thought writing for Vice made me cooler than
most people, however today my idea of what is cool has
changed drastically. Oh who am I kidding? Yes I think
it makes me cool. I mean, what magazine would be
cooler? Vanity Fair? Yeah right! Something arty like
Purple? Boooring. Vice is like The Fonz of magazines.
I'm not sure what the drug rumors are, but I can say
that we all used to party really, really hard and
today we don't.

AJD: How about these blogs! They're everywhere! Like
weeds! And carcinoma! Do you think this type of
haphazard writing is in anyway beneficial to society
whatsoever?

LA: Yes. I think all forms of communication are
beneficial to society. Most blogs are shitty, some are
good. I don't have a problem with them. Who cares? I
read Rosie O'Donnells blog and perezhilton.com and
teenageunicorn.com. Also, I have a blog that I've been
doing since 2001 but I'm keeping that shit
underground.

AJD: Would you rather get nude-tackled by midgets or
throw a kitten down an elevator shaft?

LA: Nude tackled for sure. Fun!

AJD: Do your parents enjoy your work? Has anyone in
your family ever called you a rude, thoughtless little pig?

LA: Yes, my dad is very similar to Alec Baldwin.
Thanks for bringing it up. It's a little something I
call shame and you can't find it in a book!

AJD: What's the meanest thing anyone's ever said to
you?

LA: Oooh, good question. I'm sure this isn't the
meanest thing, but I remember this one time me and my
best friend were walking down the street in 8th grade.
A car pulled up to us and there were two high school
jock guys in the car. One of them lowers the window
and goes, "You two are the ugliest girls I have ever
seen in my life." They started laughing and drove
away. Me and Ally were speechless. We walked the rest
of the way in silence, like we both knew it was
totally true. Although it was really mean, there was a
sense of camaraderie between us after that.

AJD: Do black people like punk rock?

LA: Of course! Bad Brains much?

AJD: On that note, how about this Russell Simmons coming out and condemning rap music? What's your favorite: H-word, B-word, or N-Word?

LA: Oh is this about that Russell Simmons article where he wants to ban
the n word, the b word, and the h word? Obviously as an artist I'm of
the school where I think banning words is ridiculous, just like I
think banning guns is. It's all about context right? Guns don't kill
people, people kill people. Words don't kill people, not even close.
Do words even hurt people's feelings? No. People hurt people's
feelings. So now people like Russell Simmons and whoever want to make
teasing a crime. While we're at it, let's ban the word "faggot." Oh no
we can't because then what would we call a bundle of sticks? Damn.
Banning a word is like trying to hold your hand up to the ocean to
keep the waves from crashing down on you. Pointless. "Nigger" is a
great word. It just packs so much punch. The two g's next to each
other are like literal two G's, broin out, tough as nails, them
against the world. It gives me chills that a word can hold so much power, it really makes
me feel like I chose the right profession.


AJD: Right! Gulp.

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