The one thing we all pray won't happen, happened one day when Art was driving home from a hockey game in Vail, Colorado, with his wife Kathy and their two young sons. As he drove through Glenwood Canyon, high up in the Rocky Mountains, a boulder lept off the canyon wall, crushing his car and instantly killing his wife and sons but leaving Art unharmed. Several years earlier, Allison's brother committed suicide three days before she was due to get married. The marriage ended in divorce. Art and Allison met some months after Art's accident, became friends, and eventually married.
Ed's mother died when he was five days old. His father married his mother's sister and she died when Ed was 14. As death is such an intimate subject for us both, our meeting with Art and Allison forged an instant and deep friendship.
Healing from profound grief, which is one of the hardest of life's challenges, is not easy. Friends exhort us to get busy, get back to work, keep the mind occupied, as if doing this is somehow going to replace the emptiness inside. But grief demands attention, it needs to be known, so that we can keep on living. As our friend Jacqui says, "Do you shatter like a teacup, or like an egg and be reborn?"
Art writes in his and Allison's poignant and heartfelt book, OUT OF THE CANYON, a True Story of Loss and Love: "How do I do this? How do I survive, how do I move on, through and beyond this awful grief, this darkness? I learned the answer was one hour at a time. One day at a time. Taking your eyes from the ground and looking a little higher each day until suddenly there is a glimpse of blue sky, of a star, and the world very gradually becomes brighter."
Grieving is often a frightening and overwhelming time, one of fear of the future and yet also a rediscovery of ourselves. Whether it is our own loss or that of someone we know, here are some guidelines that may help you through the unknown landscape. The quotes are from Art and Allison's book.
1. Support from Others
This is so essential: Don't hesitate to seek help. In the first few days after the loss of his family, friends and loved ones took over the details of Art's life, such as food and filtering phone calls. "I am normally quiet happy when I'm by myself, but in those early days it would not have been good for me to be alone, and in truth I didn't want to be." Without such support, seek it through your church or grief support groups.
2. Support from a Grief Counselor
Although many think that they do not need to go to a "professional" for help, it can be the best thing to do. Grief may make us unaware of how much shock we are in. "Blindly twisting and falling down the rabbit hole of grief is a scary thing, and it is immensely reassuring to know that you are not going crazy."
3. Take Your Time
Grieving is so personal and each of us have to find our own way and in our own time. There is no set moment of time when grief should be over. It takes immense patience and great love for ourselves. "Above all, wrap your arms around yourself and turn your love and compassion inward, where it is really needed." Become your own best friend.
4. Remembering
Remembering those who have died is essential to healing: They were deeply loved and that love does not die the moment the body does. Celebrating birthdays and other special moments reminds us of the love that was shared and is still in our hearts. "Probably nothing has been more important to my recovery than remembering my family."
5. Solitary Time
Spending time alone can be immensely healing. Only then can we sink into that quieter place within and find a deeper peace with ourselves and our circumstances. You can read more in our upcoming book, BE THE CHANGE, How Meditation Can Transform You and the World.
Do you have any stories of healing grief to share? You can receive notice of our blogs every Thursday by checking Become a Fan at the top.
Our book will be published Nov 3, but you can pre-order it at: BE THE CHANGE, How Meditation Can Transform You and the World
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Ed and Deb Shapiro's new book, BE THE CHANGE, How Meditation Can Transform You And The World, forewords by the Dalai Lama and Robert Thurman, with contributors such as Marianne Williamson, astronaut Edgar Mitchell, Byron Katie, Michael Beckwith, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Jane Fonda, Jack Kornfield, Gangaji, Ellen Burstyn, Ed Begley, Dean Ornish, Russell Bishop, and others, will be published November 3rd 2009 by Sterling Ethos.
Deb is the author of the award-winning book YOUR BODY SPEAKS YOUR MIND. Ed and Deb are the authors of over 15 books, and lead meditation retreats and workshops. They are corporate consultants, and the creators of Chillout daily inspirational text messages on Sprint cell phones. See: www.EdandDebShapiro.com
Follow Ed and Deb Shapiro on Twitter: www.twitter.com/edanddebshapiro
My best friend's mother passed away last week, and so your post is a precious gift to share with someone I treasure.
Thank you for blessing us.
Eli
Your blog is qute timely for me as I'm currently supporting a dear friend of mine who lost his Mother last week...it's also the anniversary month of my Dad's passing.
Grief, indeed, contains so many levels of human emotion and presents us with so many layers of challenges particular to our individual situations and emotional bodies.
Grieving is healing...it's so helpful to honor ourselves and our emotions.
Thanks for a beautiful reminder.
Bless you. At least you know and have felt more deeply than most. I had to make friends with my grief as my mother died 5 days after I was born. When other kids could be held by their mother I was held by my aunt-mother but she was like my grandmother. She was a challenge and not really able to understand me.
I have longed for my own mother everyday of my life but also have made friends with what is. I live my life as a dedication to her. To honor her and do my best to be a genuine and honest person.
Treasure yourself,
Ed
we are honored to have you as a contributor to our book
BE THE CHANGE
How Meditation Can Transform You and the World
your bring heart to ll you meet.
Big Love,
Ed
TK see my reply on your comment. Ed
As a child I was terrified of losing my parents...I would always pray to God to keep them safe...but of course I lost both of them....My Dad 2004 and my Mom 2007..It still hurts everyday and I miss them so much...I think it makes it worse since I live in the house that I was raised in....I know it will get better....I will just be glad when it does...I cannot even imagine what Ed went through...If he can do it so can I...thanks for sharing...
This has been a very moving and special blog. May all beings be happy and free from suffering, Ed
You are so right: healing from profound grief is among life's hardest challenges. And one main reason for this is, in my opinion, the fact that the need is inescapable. And yes, it's even possible that grief is so profound that it cannot be dealt with. It's not at all rare for widowers and widows to literally die from grief. Even when it strikes much earlier in life, it can hit so deeply that it's not even meaningful to ask whether anything could be the same again. Often it cannot. But there's still a way of moving on. It's one of those basic lessons where we learn how stupid it is to think we can control everything that matters.
"I always try to shatter like an egg - except in those cases where I chicken out. :-)"
This is spot on
"It's not at all rare for widowers and widows to literally die from grief. Even when it strikes much earlier in life, it can hit so deeply that it's not even meaningful to ask whether anything could be the same again. Often it cannot. But there's still a way of moving on. It's one of those basic lessons where we learn how stupid it is to think we can control everything that matters."
Enjoy the journey,
Ed
I agree with "how stupid it is to think we can control everything that matters." Letting go is how we begin to heal and allow ourselves to feel and experience all that loss requires of us.
Thanks for what ou said! LOL< Allison Daily
Love and light!
Jason
I look foward to meeting you in person
Grief is one of those misunderstood subjects that not everyone wants to address. It is very healing to share and get things of our chest.
Life .. th ehuman experience includes everything ...
Life is a gift treasure it!
Ed
Bless you and the wonderful work you do for others
You and Art walk your talk
Treasure yourself,
Ed
So with the grief now being gone, I choose to feel again their love. And their love is a prayer and a meditation.
Looking forward to your new book - great cover!
Bill
Love is the greatest Meditation.
Love is the thread that holds this Universe together. The stars, gravity, the song of a bird, the smile of a baby and Art and Allison.
Treasure yourselves... I treasure you,
Ed
"So with the grief now being gone, I choose to feel again their love. And their love is a prayer and a meditation."
This is beautiful.
Ed
Thanks and PLEASE feel free to contact us through our website :outofthecanyon.com. We email back to everyone.
Bless you Ed and Deb....we are so excited for you book to get here!!! Thanks for the love and ALL you give to our world.
In love,
Art and Allison Daily
Coincidence is G-D's way of being anonymous....
You are in our hearts,
Ed
You're right. This is a heart wrenching story! I can't even imagine having something like this happen. Furthermore, to characterize someone grieving over this kind of loss as "mental illness" is just flat out wrong. Grieving in the face of the death of a loved one is the most natural response for a human being. We're not robots or machines. We have hearts that break and emotions like sadness that fill us when loss comes. This seems like a much healthier response that denying one's emotions!
I've experienced the loss of both my parents, an ex- husband and several close, dear friends. Grieving is a necessary process that cannot be rushed or analyzed. Meditation is a wonderful tool to help one connect with authentic feelings and bring them to the surface to be experienced, expressed and ultimately, released.
Can't wait to read your book! Congratulations!
Love and hugs,
Judith
I will always grieve that my mother died 5 days after I was born. I never knew her and wonder who this being was. BUT I am joyous and live knowing that my life is because of her.
I dedicate all the good in my life to her. I can cry and wish I knew her but reality is she is gone and that is ok. I can scream at god (whoever she is) but I don't. I bath in the joy of it all.
LOL,
Ed
Its when we make our selves out to be victims that the pain becomes unbearable. I chose not to take it personally, even though it was my brother who had died. I eventually reminded myself of all the others who died that day, that week , that month. Death is apart of life. Death happens to everyone bar none. A part we don't care to know about, examine or deal with until forced to.
Upon the death of my brother I saw death for the first time, personal to me. In my face, my guts, my breath.
I chose to live that day and everyday since. I packed up and moved half way across the world to live. I sold most of my possessions, took out a new lease on 'life'. For me now, I know that 'no thing' matters. All we have is this moment, no future, no past. Live it, live it, live it, live it.
Life is our teacher, so is death.
It is hard and yet, I agree that I learned and grew so much. it took awhile, but I do live in joy now.
Thanks for sharing, Allison Daily
Life ... live it and love it
Treasure yourself,
Ed
What a profound article. I have not yet had the experience of losing to death someone close to me. My divorce was a profound loss to me. However, I was blessed by the perfect friends who showed up and helped me through it. The simple points you offer for dealing with grief are excellent. The emotions associated with grieving can be so disorienting.
Your book jacket looks wonderful! All set to touch and bless many.
With love and appreciation to you,
Anne
Bless you, Allison Daily
Your comment is touching.
When you come to the US we all have to meet up
LOL,
Ed
I am a lucky guy, until her very last breath the women who gave me life was still there teaching me , showing me the greatness of the human being. The hardest thing for me was her final lesson. In her passing, I learned how deep and unquestionable a Mother's love can be. We may think we know , but until it's gone, we truely never know. The emptiness is still there, but the hole is slowing filling in.
To this day, when I think of Mom , I think of those folks at the Vets Home and how special they made our last days together. I will be eternally grateful.
Love and life a are so special. It's a great lesson for all of us to never take each day and each one we love for granted...to just be thankful.
Thanks,Allison Daily
thanks! Allison Daily
Three years ago this October, I lost my Mom. It was a long and difficult road that she and I travelled together. The last two weeks of her life were tough. My wife and I sat by her bedside for 16 days around the clock. We fed her until she no longer would take food. We held her hand, cried and laughed, like we had done together our whole lives. Though this experience was sad , I can honestly say "grief" was not part of the experience.
I know it sounds crazy , but for my wife and I my Mom's death was really a positive LIFE experience.
Sad , draining and full of emotion, but not grief. In those quiet nights sitting at her side, I thought about why was this so?
For us it was the fact that we were surrounded by loving, caring people at the RI Veteran's Home where Mom passed away. Even now nearly three years later and as I write this note I get emotional. Not at Mom's passing, but rather thinking about all the love, care , compassion that enveloped, protected and healed us through this journey.
I am happy you had so much love around your Mom. We all face things in our own way. I have a dear friend whose mother was 93. Joanne died just a few weeks ago and Mary is going through it.
My mother died when I was 5 days old. There is a part of me that can scream ... yell ... cry
I never knew my mother. Yet I am wonderfully happy could be better (oh maybe we all could be a tiny bit better) life goes on ... oola dee .. I never really see or go into dark places anymore. I see the bright side of life... but everyone has a shadow.. we may not always see it
I can't imagine life without certain people ... what art and allison went through I think few people could and come out the way they did
LOL.
Ed
Definitely scream.......yell....cry, but don't forget to laugh. It helps with the shadows!
Sleep well all.....................
SOF