While we were recently in England we were invited to a dinner party that was also attended by Monica Lewinsky (yes, that Monica!). She struck us as being a beautiful, intelligent and confident woman, having attended the London School of Economics.
As we left we thought about how tough it can be to move on in life beyond difficult or challenging times, such as Monica experienced when she had her mistakes played out in the glare of the media spotlight and became one of the worlds most recognizable names. Who hasn't heard of Monica Lewinsky?
Forgiving ourselves for past transgressions is one of the hardest things we have to face at some time in our lives, as none of us get it right all the time. Imagine how boring it would be if we were all perfect and none of us ever did anything wrong. We are here to learn and grow, not to be perfect. Perfection is our ability to see our imperfections!
In a recent workshop, we asked how many people were carrying some personal guilt or shame for something they had done that they could not forgive themselves for. At least three-quarters of the people put up their hands. One participant, Leila, had been looking after her daughter's dog, when the dog unexpectedly died. Leila's grief was compounded by the guilt and remorse she felt. As she described this event it sounded very recent, so we were surprised to hear that, although it had happened many years earlier, Leila had still not been able to forgive herself.
Guilt for what we have done stays with us long after the event: I am such a bad, hopeless, useless, awful, uncaring, hurtful, unlovable person who never gets it right. We think that through our guilt we are somehow redeeming our wrong doing, when in reality all it does is create more suffering. Blame follows guilt: How could I have done such a thing? How can I ever trust myself? How can I ever be trusted by anyone else?
And that is the biggest reason why we need to forgive ourselves. Holding on to past guilt or shame hurts us, not anyone else, and it doesn't change what happened one iota. As we thought about this, so six different reasons to forgive ourselves came to mind.
1. We are not who we were yesterday
Within the space of seven years every cell in our body dies and is reformed, our thoughts are constantly changing and our feelings come and go. We are literally not the same person we were a minute ago, let alone a day, a month or a year ago. As we are no longer who we were when we did the deed, so we can bring forgiveness and hold our past self with kindness and compassion.
2. Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting
Inside us is the equivalent of an airplane's black box: everything we have been through is logged in, whether we are aware of it or not. So forgetting something is not really an option. No matter how hard we try, it will always be lurking around the corner, waiting to drag our emotions down again. On the other hand, forgiveness accepts the presence of the dreaded deed, it looks it full in the face and says, 'Yes, I know you. Now let's have tea together and get to know each other a bit better.'
3. We can learn so much from our mistakes
By getting to know who we were we have the chance to learn from what we did. We can become our own greatest teacher by seeing how mistaken we can be, even when we fully believe we are right. Mistakes show us we are human. If we do not acknowledge our blunders then we are not only blind to our own failings, but we are also much more likely to repeat them.
4. I am ok but I don't always get it right
Forgiving ourselves is not the same as forgiving what we did. A bad or rotten act is just that, and no amount of forgiveness will change it. But nor does constantly blaming ourselves. For instance, Monica made some obvious mistakes - but to continually blame herself will get her nowhere fast. What we can do is to really accept what we did while forgiving that part of us that was unaware of what we were doing or how it would impact other people; the part that just doesn't always get it right.
5. Accepting ourselves, warts and all
When we do something wrong or hurtful we tend to beat ourselves up, to try to find redemption through shame, remorse, and even self-hatred. "I am such an idiot," "My stupidity ruined everything," "I am a hopeless human being." Forgiving ourselves is the opposite. It is a radical acceptance of ourselves just as we are, mistakes and all, so that we can know ourselves more deeply and honestly. And because, in the long run, it is only through such self-acceptance that we are free to love and laugh again. Remember: Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly!
6. Letting go of the drama queen
This is one of the hardest things to do, but holding onto the story and the details of that happened is actually like a smokescreen that clouds our mind and stops us from seeing that we are more than the event, that whatever we did is not the whole of us. We can put the story down. We do not have to hold on to it, or keep repeating it in our minds. We can say: "I made a mistake, but I am not the guilt, I am not the mistake, I am not the failure, it is not the whole of me."
Forgiving ourselves is an ongoing process. Every time we criticize or blame ourselves for being hopeless, useless, wrong, stupid, for all the self-dislike and self-denial, for believing we deserve the bad things that happen, that we must have done something wrong to be so abused, for thinking we should have known better, that it was all our own fault, that we were asking for it, for rejecting ourselves, for abandoning ourselves, for ignoring or denying our own needs and feelings, we can simply say, "I forgive myself." We do not need to create more guilt, shame, or blame--the world has enough already.
Here is a little practice you can do. Sitting quietly, aware of your breathing, silently repeat, "Whether through my words or my actions, if I have created suffering for another, I forgive myself. If I have created suffering for myself, I forgive myself. May I be happy, may I be filled with forgiveness and love."
Have you had to forgive yourself? And how did you do it? Do leave us a comment below. You can receive notice of our blogs every Thursday by checking Become a Fan at the top.
Ed and Deb Shapiro's new book, BE THE CHANGE, How Meditation Can Transform You And The World, Forewords by the Dalai Lama and Robert Thurman, with contributors such as Marianne Williamson, astronaut Edgar Mitchell, Michael Beckwith, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Jane Fonda, Jack Kornfield, Byron Katie, Gangaji, Ellen Burstyn, Ed Begley, Dean Ornish, Russell Bishop, Dan Millman and others, will be published November 3rd 2009 by Sterling Ethos.
Deb is the author of the award-winning book YOUR BODY SPEAKS YOUR MIND. Ed and Deb are the authors of over 15 books, and lead meditation retreats and workshops. They are corporate consultants, and the creators of Chillout daily inspirational text messages on Sprint cell phones. See: www.EdandDebShapiro.com
Follow Ed and Deb Shapiro on Twitter: www.twitter.com/edanddebshapiro
We are all in boot camp
Perfect is our ability to see our imperfections
Treasure yourself,
Ed
firstly when we think something is difficult it is difficult
if we think soimething is posible it's possible .. if we think it is impossible it is impossible
we take things step by step .. first acknowledge then accept ... and onwards
Ed
A dear friend who could not be in my wedding called me on the morning of my wedding day. He said this, "my gift to you is this. May god grant you the power of forgiveness."
I thouight it odd at the time but over the last 20 years and the break up of my marriage, I have come to realize that I did get the gift of forgiveness and that it was a most valuable gift indeed.
Forgiveness is a true miracle that each of us can perform. It sets both parties free and you are able to "give as before."
Feeling big gratitude for your writings!
Love is the verb for peace!
Bill Burns
so now we are even
Thank you for sharing your pesonal experience I recommend people read it
This is spot on!
Joy,
Ed
Has she forgiven herself? We can never be entirely certain of this, but hopefully she has, and it is none of our business to continue meddling with this scar in our country's politics.
But if you have read this blog then what is important is why it is important to forgive oneself.
without forgiveness we are not alive, we are stuck in suffering we are not free to enjoy this wonderful world as our minds are caught in a painful place.
May all people be happy,
Ed
But this blog is about forgiving ourselves ..she was an inspiration
Unless we can then we are in bondage, we are stuck in a negative mindset and it is painful
when we can forgive we are open to being a happier person.
Joyfully,
Ed
For me the ability to forgive myself has only come from a confrontation with the terribly self-centered person I once was, acknowledging that I acted in a hurtful way to others because I had been unable to process the hurt done to me. Once I was able to see this circle I was able to consciously decide that I would no longer act in avoidable ways that are unkind, unhelpful or dishonest. There is enough unavoidable pain in the world (illness, job loss, hurtful acts from others, etc.) that I don't want to contribute more pain to it. In other words, I am more aware of my affect on others, therefore I will be more responsible with my words and actions.
being able to see yourself honestly is courageous
Seeing yourself and the world clearly is a true sign of maturity and awakening to who you truly are. as we connect with our authentic self life becomes a treasure
When you come into your heart you connect with wisdom
Treasure yourself,
Ed
The whole thing was a shameful period in American History. I hope that Monica can find some happiness and privacy in her life now. She has really suffered greatly as a result of one man's blind ambition (Ken Starr) and desire to topple the Clinton presidency. The US Taxpayers paid millions for the Ken Starr investigations, and for no end purpose. If only we had those $$ back today to help us in this great recession, think how many people could be helped!
She has been put through so much and she looks amazingly well
I would never have thought she went through such demonizing ...she appeared to have put it behind her.
The Ken Starrs and all the other people who tried to use her have to face their karma
I believe that their karma has driven over their dogma... so I wish them well..they will need all the luck they can get.
Be happy,
Ed
Not entirely true. Clinton was married with a daughter. Having an affair with a married man is wrong and hurtful even if you don't get caught.
But I agree with the general point of your post that she was VERY young and people make stupid mistakes especially when they are young, it doesn't make them bad people overall.
Ken Starr is the shadow in this...ultimately they were going after Clinton and tried any and evrything to bring him down
JFK had 5 interns and they were all friends.... It doesn't make it right but it was appalling to try and impeach a prez for this and George Bush/Dickie Cheney and the mob created and illegal war among other horrific things
What Monica went through for what happened is boring in comparison ... from what I see many marriages face challenges and this drama was one among so many. I am not condoning it but it is no ones business ..it is a family matter
Maybe bringing Monica into the picture confounds the thesis, here. We can't ignore the impact of what she did. [Likely Gore would have won the 2000 election had this not been an issue - so she is Nader in my book.] But, beyond the normal home wrecker arguments, could she have foreseen the flap that the Republicans made of it? I doubt it.
who knows what has happened in her life since then
to begin with let us forgive ourselves for what we have done to hurt and cause suffering to another
Ultmately I believe it was Bush and the countries destiny that Bush won...and it could be the reason Obama won and as for Al Gore his position in the world is spot on
Ed
This Lady has recovered from the bashing she has been through and I am so very proud of her !!!!!
You have every right to feel that way...she just looked lovely alive and at ease
Jolly be,
ed
I love your smile
When you forgive you can dance..jump...scream and shout and it's all
LOVE
Be happy,
Ed
Firstly Bill was with many women long before her. She was a young girls swept off her feet. He is known to come on to women all the time. President John Kennedy had 5 interns and they were all friends. Of course it doesn't make it right. But when powerful men come on to young women it isn't always easy. It is 10 years and so let the past be that.
I don't agree that she appears to be a calculating woman that is a projection.
Forgiveness of any kind is internal. You don't need a reason other than acknowledging it in yourself.
May all beings be happy and free from suffering,
Ed
Thanks for your "kindness" in declaring that my impression of her as a calculating woman (why else hold on to a dress for years as evidence and a tool for blackmail?) is a projection of my own personality. What a compliment and how very tactful of you.
Forgiveness--like self-esteem--needs to be rooted in reality. It isn't enough to say: "I'm special; I deserve to be happy." and then dance merrily away, when you've deeply hurt others and never even made the effort to apologise.
Life isn't about "being happy" all the time. It also involves being a decent person. We don't have an innate right to always be "free from suffering." Especially when we inflict it deliberately on others.
The Catholics hold the tail of the elephant...the jews hold a leg...the Muslims hold and ear...the Christians hold the other ear...the Hindu's hold a leg... the Buddhist hole another
they all say, "they are holding the elephant" and each one is right.
May ALL beings be Happy,
Ed
Thanks again for your post, it was a good one and one I will keep on file for future reference for my children.
I appreciate your sharing...i have you as a favorite and I am your fan...I feel it is good to share what you said.
"I decided long ago that living without forgiveness in my life was not an option. Carrying old hurts and holding grudges were weighing me down. I am now a much happier person, I know I am not perfect by any strectch of the imagination and neither are those around me, but I chose to look past all of that and move forward with my life."
Treasure yourdself,
Ed
Thank you for printing these words. Today, I realized I missed a graduate class last week and have felt pretty upset with myself all morning. In the days before the class I had 3 job interviews and my dog was diagnosed with permanent blindness in both eyes. I didn't get any of the jobs and I have been frustrated especially for having to be searching for another teaching job again this year.
The "funny" thing is that we also had an online class the day before and that I thought we were following the normal schedule of one class a week. I even looked at the schedule, but my mind must have decided to see the date and schedule it wanted to see not what was actually printed.
I feel like I've been working hard to do everything right lately with my career in front of the right people. Colleagues tell me I am doing everything right but that it is a very competitive market in this region for teachers right now. Therefore, when I do make a mistake it seems that much bigger and damaging. Especially since my professor is one of my colleagues.
I have just come to realize that I have been so self absorbed and unaware of life beyond these few pressing issues. I guess this has been a wake up call to trust that this is really just another minor bump in the grand scheme of things.
Thank You
Jon A.
You hav ebeen through a lot...to say the least. You have a beautiful heart and just be strong and stay in your heart. Things change and nothing stays the same.
Know dep inside you that you are moving in the right direction. be your own best friend. Contact me anytime...you will be ok
That I know,
Treasure yourself,
Ed
You touch my heart,
Treasure yourself,
Ed
If it wasn't for George Bush... Barack Obama wouldn't have been president. the repubs wouldn't be in such disarray ... quite often things happen for a reason.
Enjoy the journey,
Ed
Sorry, that is ridiculous. It may be an attempt to gloss over what cannot be helped,but the implications of saying the ruin was necessary and worthwhile are quite disturbing.
At the very least, it is dehumanizing the people who were killed and lost homes and jobs.
If that was all worth it just to elect a person as president, then priorities are misplaced.
And we have yet to see how this administration is going to work out.
The beauty of life is the joy of difference... let us all be a little kinder
No 2 snowflakes are alike..no 2 people are alike
we could all be a little kinder
BECAUSE FOR YEARS NOW, THE GOP HAS BEEN TOTALLY EMPTY, AND CANNOT OFFER ANYTHING POSITIVE... OTHER THAN SOMETHING LIKE: "JOE THE PLUMBER, AND AIR HEADS THAT DON'T KNOW THEIR REARS FROM THEIR FEET !
Enjoy the journey -
Ed
SOMEONE WAS PLANNING 911, BUT AMERICA WAS LOOKING ELSEWHERE !
The ego-centric self serving politician - sees people are the to control
The Obama mindset is ...how can I serve?
Ed