Happiness Is An Inside Job: 7 Ways To Enjoy it!

We just taught a workshop where a number of the participants had lost loved ones in the past year: one had lost her son to AIDS, another had lost her husband, son, and mother all within twelve months, another's partner had drowned. Others were dealing with specific illnesses, or difficult issues in their lives. We were teaching at the Edgar Cayce Center in Virginia Beach, and it was a workshop called Your Body Speaks Your Mind, which is a favorite one of ours as it enables the participants to get in touch with what their body is saying and what they need to do to find greater balance and healing in their lives.

What really emerged for everyone was the awareness that their true happiness lies within themselves, that it is not dependent on someone or something outside of them. They had lost what they had thought of as their source of happiness--a loved one or their health--and now were looking more deeply within. It was a weekend of many 'aha' moments!

On the way home we were delayed for three hours at Dallas airport and, as is easy to do when waiting at airports, we browsed the magazine rack and casually looked through the latest edition of People Magazine. It just happens to be that the May 11th issue is filled with famous people, like Angelina Jolie, saying what it is that gives them happiness. Most of the answers were about children and loved ones, but some were as banal as, "Free popcorn refills and clean underwear," or "Happiness is a Chick-fil-A and a soft pretzel."

There was also a great item about Michael J. Fox called "An Unbeatable Star Goes In Search Of The Upbeat." He refuses to be limited by Parkinson's, and has found a deep level of happiness within himself. In his latest documentary, Adventures of an Incurable Optimist (to be aired today, May 7th, on ABC), he explains why he is just so darned happy, and how to spread the joy around.

So we thought we would share some of the ways our workshop participants discovered how to be happier and enjoy their lives.

1. Not to take yourself too seriously. At times of hardship, such as loss or illness, we can easily lose our humor, and even more easily get very involved with the negative aspects of what is happening. We become the center of our universe. Remembering not to take ourselves too seriously brings a lightness and ease to the weight of circumstance around us. Remember--angels can fly because they take themselves lightly!

2. Not to identify with suffering, loss, or illness, as being who you are. Many of our participants realized how they were identifying themselves as a cancer survivor / widow / recovering addict, or whatever it may be, but had not asked themselves who they were without that label or identity. When we do not identify with the negative label, then the positive sense of who we are has a chance to emerge and shine.

3. It's OK to be you, just as you are, warts and all. We may think we are imperfect, a mess, falling apart, hopeless, or unable to cope. But true perfection is really just accepting our imperfections. It is honoring ourselves, complete with all the things we like and the things we don't like. In this way we are not struggling with or rejecting any part of ourselves. Each one of us is unique, a one-time offer, but we cannot know it if we are facing away from ourselves.

4. Make friends with yourself. Our relationship with ourselves is the only one we will have for the whole of our lives, and we can be the greatest friend to ourselves. So it is very important not to put ourselves down or beat ourselves up. As Ed happily used to sing in early Elementary school:
I love myself, I think I'm grand,
I go to the movies and hold my hand.
I put my arm around my waist,
And when I get fresh I slap my face!

5. Feel everything, whatever it may be. When we are suffering, our feelings get huge and can be overwhelming. It is easy to want to deny or repress them. But if we can really honor whatever we are feeling, then it will bring us closer to the happiness beneath the suffering or grief. Acknowledging our real feelings is the greatest gift.

6. Forgive yourself. Love yourself. Treasure yourself. These are big steps, but each one liberates the heart and sets us free. We need to forgive ourselves for feeling angry, for getting upset, for all things we think we have done wrong. They are in the past and we are not who we were then. We can then begin to embrace and love ourselves, for we are so worthy of that love. And then we can take any resistance or fear by the hand, invite it in, and open our heart to the universe.

7. Meditate. There is an overwhelming amount of research showing how meditation changes the circuits in the part of the brain associated with contentment and happiness and stimulates the 'feel-good' factor. Meditating on love and kindness makes us much, much happier! And the only way to know this is to try it!!

What does inner happiness mean to you? Can you connect with that place of unconditional happiness within yourself? Do leave us a comment. You can receive notice of our blogs every Thursday by checking Become a Fan at the top.

***

Ed and Deb Shapiro's new book, BE THE CHANGE, How Meditation Can Transform You And The World, Forewords by the Dalai Lama and Robert Thurman, with contributors such as Marianne Williamson, Michael Beckwith, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Jane Fonda, Jack Kornfield, Gregg Braden, Byron Katie, Ed Begley, Ellen Burstyn, Dean Ornish, Russell Bishop, Ram Dass, Gangaji, Krishna Das, Andrew Cohen and others, will be published November 3rd 2009 by Sterling Ethos. Deb is the author of the award-winning book YOUR BODY SPEAKS YOUR MIND. Ed and Deb are the authors of over 15 books, and lead meditation retreats and workshops. They are corporate consultants, and the creators of Chillout daily inspirational text messages on Sprint cell phones. See: www.EdandDebShapiro.com.

Follow Ed and Deb Shapiro on Twitter: www.twitter.com/edanddebshapiro

Comments

[Deborah Jiang Stein - Huffpost Blogger]

Sometimes I wonder if chasing happiness is less rewarding than seeking to live a contented life, doing what fulfills us, and contributing to others. It's curious to me how the 'happy' action started in recent years.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Deborah- Thank you for your commnet- anyone who is chasing happiness is like a dog chasing his tail. It is an illusion.
Happiness is our nature and this understanding goes back thousands of years. It is the essence of Yoga, Buddhism, Hinduism etc.

Happiness is our birthright!

Did you read our blog? Or did you read just our title?

Treasure yourself,

Ed

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

P.S. Hi Deborah- Genuine contentment is what happiness is---

Also seeking to live a contented life or seeking happiness is like the musk deear

The musk deer is a dear that lives in the forest in India. It has a beautiful smell in it's anus yet It searches the forest looking for the smell.

All people have joy,, happiness, peace, contentment etc. with themselves yet look outside for their joy, peace, happiness, contentment. it is the folly of being human.

Life is a gift,

Ed

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

whooopps - WITHIN themselves yet look outside.....

[Waylon Lewis - Huffpost Blogger]

Meditation, for me, is key. It's the only thing that helps me see through my own BS, which can otherwise be quite convincing (if only to me). Great post, you should expand it and write a whole book on the subject—that would make me happy!

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi Way- thanks for your kind words

Meditation is truly a blessing- as it does helps us SEE and cut through the ego-obsessive nature of our minds-

Way- we actually are in the midst of writing a book about it- you are an intuitive guy!

So now you can be a HAPPY GUY - in turn that makes me HAPPY-

May all people be HAPPY,

Ed

[peachesmahoney]

You are right about number 6 being tough. I'm going through recovery from alcohol and drug addiction and I struggle with loving, forgiving, and treasuring myself. But each day it gets a little easier. And not taking myself seriously really helps. By laughing and enjoying the little things, this process seems a little more manageable.
Thanks for the reminders!

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Wonderful peachesmahoney- Thanks for your comment and for sharing your story-

As you develop the ability to be aware of yourself- of your habitual patterns- possibly through meditation- you are able to free yourself from being a victim of your situation

It helps to hold yourself in unconditional love- as the best friend you will ever have is yourself

As Oscar Wilde said:
If you have a romance with yourself you will have no competition-

Enjoy the journey,

Ed

[Dharma kate]

I learned a long time ago that happiness is a lifestyle choice. .. or given that Mother's Day is near upon us, to quote from my greatly missed late Mother -- "You can be as miserable as you want to be".

For a long time, I was fearful that sentiments of this nature were disrespectful to people suffering from diseases like depression -- an echo of the 'just pull yourself together' ethos that is so destructive. But as time goes by, I've come to realize that even for a person suffering from the ravages of clinical depression, they have a right to turn their face to the sun and seek what warmth they can.

Thanks for the reminder.

Kate

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Dharma kate- Thnaks for your comment and for sharing- how wonderfully put- I love what you say here:

"But as time goes by, I've come to realize that even for a person suffering from the ravages of clinical depression, they have a right to turn their face to the sun and seek what warmth they can.'

Treasure yourself,

Ed

[RoadCrossingChicken]

What a nice Mother's Day gift!

It is apparent that the two of you have been richly blessed... because no one can give out this much peace, harmony and love as the two of you do and not have it return to you seven fold.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

RoadCrossi­ngChicken- This is the most heartwarming comment - Thank you- I chose I'm a fan of this user (you) and favorite- as it is people like you that inspire us- I send this back to you with joy!

Life is such a precious gift and the more people that realize this th ebetter it is for everyone.

May this be a wonderful Mother's Day and may Happiness be with you always,

Treasure yourself,

Ed

[andigoldman]

I believe one of the major keys to inner happiness is one of the greatest "secrets" that is easily available to everyone. It is simply this--practice kindness and compassion. It is a "secret" because so many people seem to be unaware of it and don't know of the power of kindness and compassion to createhealing and transformation on both a personal and planetary level. It is simply amazing how extraordinary this "secret" is--when we practice kindess and compassion, not only for otherselves, but of course to others, we feel good. Being nice to ourselves and to others is a great gift for all beings on this planet. Through this practice, we experience inner happiness. This revelaton is of course included in your writing this week--along with many other wonderful aspects of achieving inner happiness. But I wanted to add my own personal validation of this truth.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

andigoldman- You are truly GOLD and joyfully happy- Your comment is warm and lovely and makes me feel good

I wish all people can be as happy as can be- To understand this happiness is to know it is the greatest gift you can give to yourself,

Lovingly,

Ed

[soundheals]

Ed and Deb--you writing this week is so complete there is little I can add. Thank you for your extraordinary wisdom and compassion. Inner happiness? This is probably the greatest and most extraordinary gift that we can give ourselves. For me, it involves having an "attitude of gratitude"--of giving thanks for all that is. If we can release ourselves of judging what "should" be and just accept what is, we realize how extraordinary life is.
Blessings of Love & Light through Sound,
Jonathan

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Hey soundheals - Jonathan- It is kind of you to comment with your heart of gold

yes and "attitude of gratitude' is so vital in this world- without realizing it quite often we lose the awareness of the exquisiteness of life- the joy of a birdsong, the sky - moon and stars.

When we discover that our own nature is HAPPINESS - that our core is HAPPINESS - the we can appreciate tsi world with profound joy!

Lovingly,

Ed

[RadicalRepublican]

Hi Ed, Hi Deb

I especially loved - "Remembering not to take ourselves too seriously brings a lightness and ease to the weight of circumstance around us."

I find that one way I try to take myself too seriously is when I'm defending a position. Most often, I catch myself and stop. I've seen this in others as well. It's kind of funny how many decisions we've made very young in life and still operate on those choices without revisiting them as adults. That's one tool I use to chill out when I've let myself fall into negative thinking, figuring out at what stage in life I first took that stance and then actually listening to the other person and trying to understand their perspective.

With love,
RR

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

RadicalRepublican- Great to hear from you- I agree with you

When we take ourselves to seriously we strengthen our ego nature. We can get self-obsessed and then we get caught up in our life dramas.

RR you have an adult and mature point of view which is really what the spiritual journey is about

When we can mature we can see that the human situation is to be caring and compassionate - especially to ourselves.

Enjoy the journey,

Ed

[LAnancy]

Hello Dear Ones - I would like to add number 8 way to enjoy happiness. That would be the practice of Undoism. The basic principles are in the first 7 ways. Just because things may be serious does not mean we have to take them seriously. Taking things too seriously can intefer with happiness. Lighten up. Take flight
Love you both and as always, I love what you have to say.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Lovely LAnancy-ji (ji is a Sanskrit term of endearment) - it's always a delight to hear from you-

Yes you are spot on

Undoism has become the newest ism- the ism that says Undo it all and find out who you are- without the baggage- lighten up - enjoy this magical, wonderful life and know your authentic self.

you are a jewel in the heart of a lotus,

Ed & Deb xoxoxo

[MerhabaAbi]

Dear Ed and Deb,

While reading your post about happiness, the followin lyrics leaped into the forefront of my thinking. Whether we are attached to a label for ourselves, a loved one or a posession more so then we are to our own being we neglect to just be. Many things trigger happiness for me but when it is all said and done, I agree that we need to love ourselves foremost. This is important in order to be happy and gives us a peaceful core from which we can offer love to others. You both are wonderful teachers. Thank you.

El Condor Pasa
By: Simon & Garfunkel

A man gets tied up to the ground
He gives the world its saddest sound
Its saddest sound

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Hey MerabaAbi- Great to hear from you- Thanks for your kind comment-

When we love ourselves (and that means who we really are and not the EGO self) but our authentic self then we awaken to the world with compassion and wisdom. as love is the way we dissolve all negativity- and YES - We become a friend to ourselves and then can be a friend to others.

I like your Simon & Garfunkel quote

Big Love,

Ed

[CaveatMagnusFrater]

Ed and Deb,

I love your teachings. I have a habit of allowing concern or worry to dominate my mood. I know I have the power to adjust to preferred moods, but I forget to do so sometimes.

I can also forget to breathe when I'm so busy with too many irons in the fire at once. And then I either remember or am reminded (such as by your post) and I take a few minutes for some controlled breathing. This is often while at work so I don't have the opportunity to meditate more then fleetingly. But once I take those few minutes, the picture looks less complicated, my focus is raised, I feel much better and more work gets done then if I had remained uptight.

Thank you.
Party like a three year-old.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

caveatMagnusFrater- Thanks or your comment -I am a fan of this user- (see above) it is always great to hear from you-

Ultimately everything we go through is OK- as humans we are not perfect- what is helpful is for us to not make it a big deal when we screw up-

we all have a tendency to move smoothly when things are going well- when we get off balance we have a tendency to get caught up in the drama of our mishap - meditation is so brilliant and when we become mindful of our monkey mind- then we are less apt to fall and when we do we can pick ourselves up.

Enjoy the journey,

Ed

Enjoy

[Lizzypie]

Hello Deb & Ed,
Your excellent article is another illustration of why the foundation of buddhism is "Maitri" - making friends with ourselves. It all comes back to that!
In the Shambhala teachings the same principle is referred to as "Basic Goodness" (the opposite of original sin)!!
Maitri allows one to experience everything - happy, sad, joy, tears etc, and it is all OK.

By the way, I loved Ed's little poem.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Lizzypie- Thanks for your great comment. Your wisdom is heart warming. What a great teaching-

I love how original sin becomes * basic goodness * I always felt I was basically good! as

Sin is:

S- self
I- inflicted
N- nonsense

Big Love, Big Heart, Big Hugs,

Ed

[Lizzypie]

HuffPost's Pick

SIN
S-elf
I-nflicted
N-onsense

I haven't heard that before. Good one Ed!!

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

making friends with ourselves is such a great source of * Joy and Happiness *

I couldn't stress that enough- it is a great gift

For people to accept themselves in every way is liberating- nothing in this world is more important because only then can you have a real life!

Treasure yourself,

Ed

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

As I contemplate how to love without condition and be happy regardless I am struck at the constancy of your wisdome.

Make friends with yourself.

I just love, love, love the simple and powerful way you express the deepest concepts.

I adore and cherish YOU,
Eli

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Wonderful Eli- When I see your face and your comment- even before I read your words I feel happy-

You are my soul sister- your presence in the HuffPost adds the spice

We are truly ONE in all that is good,

It's only LOVE,

Ed

[Thisok]

Happiness is serious business particularly if one is not happy as life then gets more serious than it should be as we tend to look at the external causes of our problems and not the internal solutions. Life can be miserable when the focus is on the inevitable external causes (tests?) and not the glorious reality of who we are.

In issues of being happy in dire conditions my favorite reference is Viktor Frankl. No matter what we are going through, thank goodness for impermanence as it too shall pass.

We are in the middle of two of my favorite events - Cinco de Mayo & Wesak Day!

With Love & Gratitude.
Steve

[Jonahson]

Wesak day in Malaysia falls on this Saturday.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Thisok- Great to hear from you- always enjoy your thoughtful, wise and heartfelt comments

It is so true- whenever we look outside of ourselves for a solution to our pain or suffering it is like putting a band aid on a broke bone.

When we look within to the source of our prblems we are able to make friends with whatever we find.

In the dharma,

Ed

[Jonahson]

Hi Ed and Dep, very good and practical workshop; to help others overcome their suffering.
I sometime wonder if we can over come our own attachment when we do lose someone close. I wish I can go before them but that is certainly a selfish thought. While we are all alive I teach them how to meditate on the impermanence of the body, to see things as it is and to let go. Living is uncertain, death is certain. A forest monk Achan Chah said “All meetings ends with departure. When a husband and wife is having a meal eventually one will lay down the chopstick first” so no matter how loving a couple is, one of them will have to eventually go first.
When we are attached to impermanence things then we are bound to suffer. We chose to get married, have children, buy house and own car but these things have side effects and departure is one of them. Anicca, duka and anatta we must understand this reality then only do we understand the suffering we are experiencing and slowly learn to let go of things. Both of you are doing a wonderful job with your compassion. May you all be well and happy. Be free from suffering.

.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Jonahson- It is a joy to read your wonderful comment- I marked you as a Favorite and - I'm a fan of this user- I know of and have read Achan Chah and Jack Kornfield who trained with him is in our new book. That will be published November 3rd 2009

I love your eloquently put statement;

When we are attached to impermanence things then we are bound to suffer. We chose to get married, have children, buy house and own car but these things have side effects and departure is one of them. Anicca, duka and anatta we must understand this reality then only do we understand the suffering we are experiencing and slowly learn to let go of things. Both of you are doing a wonderful job with your compassion. May you all be well and happy. Be free from suffering.

Much Metta,

Jygme Powa,

Ed

[lindseywolf]

Just the day that I needed to read this, thank you Ed and Deb!

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

lindsaywolf- just the day I needed to hear from you

You are a precious jewel-

Ed