While we were traveling in India we were constantly confronted by how difficult life can be there, over one billion people in one-third the size of the U.S. We would give food to beggars, shoo rats away, and saw dead bodies being cremated on the banks of the Ganges.
A monk we met told us the story of a woman who came to the Buddha in tears as her only son had died. She begged him to bring her son back to life; the pain of his death is too much for her to bear. Finally, the Buddha agrees. He says he will bring the boy back to life, but only if the woman can get him a single mustard seed from a house where no one has ever died. The distraught woman rushes off and proceeds to go from door to door trying to find a home that has never experienced a death. Of course, she cannot find a single place.
Has anyone lived a life through without some measure of loss, grief, pain or hardship? The point here is that suffering is a normal part of being human. Life is also filled with beauty, joy, daffodils in the spring, the dew on a spider's web, the depth of intimate love. We hang out with happiness as much as we can, but getting to know suffering is not what we normally like to do.
If no one wants to suffer then why do we? We were teaching a workshop in England and we asked the group: Is anyone holding on to pain and suffering? To our surprise, everyone raised their hands! They agreed that they didn't want to suffer, yet they held on to it because it felt so familiar. Indeed, if we are honest, most of our time is spent either pushing suffering away so as to avoid it, or holding onto it and using it as a means of distinction, a way of getting attention and sympathy. Deny or indulge, pretend nothing is wrong or exaggerate the pain.
The word suffering comes from the Pali word dukkha, which means not only suffering but includes all its varied family relations such as discomfort, pain, anguish, dissatisfaction, failure, conflict, hurt. What do we do when one of these comes knocking at our door? How do we relate to it? Do we push it away, cover it up or seek distraction? Denying suffering is what society does all the time. Look at how ads focus on the young and beautiful, ignoring the process of aging; how we insulate ourselves from the weather, from too much cold or too much heat.
The denial of suffering means that our feelings get repressed, held in, squashed down, which results in us getting cut off from all our other feelings as well, not just the uncomfortable ones. Life becomes more superficial and empty because any depth of real feeling has been put out of reach. Resistance to suffering means no vital life force flowing through us, who we really are is hidden away.
Or do we make our difficulties the centerpiece of our conversation, creating an image as one who suffers? Please don't feel guilty about this, as it is not unusual! In an over populated and competitive world we all seek ways to appear different and special in order to gain attention. Doing it through highlighting our suffering is no better or worse than doing it any other way. But it does mean that suffering becomes imbued with importance, it becomes my suffering, my pain, my problem and given the choice, we might not even want to give it up. Who would we be without something to complain about, something that generates such attention?
In the same workshop in England, Mary admitted that the idea of being free of pain and, therefore, having less involvement with doctors and therapists, meant she would get less nurturing; Chris said that being happy meant he would have nothing special to focus on. Liz summed it up when she said, "I have the support of some very loving people to encourage, assist and love me. But if I get well, will I still have as much support? I often fear my husband may leave me if I were to get better."
Ideally we should neither push suffering away nor indulge in it, but simply understand suffering for what it is: an ever-changing, impermanent condition that arises as a result of other conditions. Life is constantly changing, moving, flowing. One minute there is sunshine, another there is a storm; one minute there are leaves and flowers, another the branches are empty. As nothing stays the same then at some time there will be pain and at other times there will be pleasure; pain is not an isolated or permanent state, just part of a greater flow. When we allow suffering simply to be then we can know it for what it is, not as my suffering or your suffering, not as something owned, but as an expression of circumstances. Pain need not dominate our life or fill our every waking moment. Suffering is suffering, grief is grief, discomfort is uncomfortable. They are a part of being alive.
We don't have to do anything about our suffering. We don't have to develop great skills in dealing with it or spend hours of diligent practice to eliminate it. We do not have to go anywhere to enjoy our breath, to appreciate the beauty in the trees and flowers. All we have to do is be present with what is.
Is there anything that is preventing you from making friends with your life? Do comment below. You can receive notice of our blogs every Tuesday by checking Become a Fan at the top.
You can learn more in our award-winning book: BE THE CHANGE, How Meditation Can Transform You and the World, or from our three meditation CD's.
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April Rudin: Change: A Powerful Force for Personal Growth
Ed and Deb Shapiro: How Your Attitude Gives You Altitude! (VIDEO)
Pain and suffering - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Paula Creamer endured pain and suffering en route to the U.S. ...
Does insurance company 'low-ball' pain and suffering?
Looking forward to next week. Enjoy your weekend - see you on Tuesday
Joyfully - Ed & Deb
That's what makes blogging enjoyable..
Treasure yourself, Ed
Sending you joy!
Ed
I am at the hospital with someone in need -
wishing you well - I would enjoy if sometime you can say something helpful-
May all people be free from suffering-
Ed
What an excellent expose on "suffering" and the choices we have towards it.
All we have to do is be present with what is. I so love this! Your words make me smile and are very warming, even in the heat here just now!
Human warmth and reassurance is another thing though. That is what you offer and it is very welcome in all seasons!
Huge love and blessings to you,
Anne
Thanks for another insightful and compassionate article! This is such a complex and difficult issue to deal with--but you cut through to the essence of it and bring it out for all of us to share. I especially appreciate the way you relate changing circumstances to the weather--it seems to me that the more we sense ourselves part of something much larger than ourselves, part of something that includes and effects so many others, the more at home we feel in this wondrous world.
Your posts are like good companions on the Way.
All The Best,
William
As the Buddha said, "Living is uncertain, death is certain."
We don't know how long we will live but we will surely die one day.
These are words of comfort and not meant to make us uneasy.
We learn that when there is bitrh then this body is subjected to old age, sickness and death.
Physically we cannot fight these changes but our mind need not suffer with these stages of being.
Every second we are born we are growiing old. Why not try to learn to live with the boundless energy of youth, the peace of middle age and the gracefullness of old age. When it is time to let go then we must let go.
Our suffeirng comes when we try to fight changes. We cannot accept having white hair, baggy eyes, wrinkles or sagging breast. We don't want to die.
As for mental sufferings, pause and stop to reflect what is it that make us unhappy? Always look within. Let go of those causes of suffering. If you cannot let go now then at least know why you are suffering. Evetually we need to let go of them.
Pp
Thank you so much for being a fountain of knowledge and insight on such profound subjects. I always feel fed by your writing!
Abundant blessings!
Judith
A wonderful friend of mine made a great point recently that when we receive good news and have "happy tears" it is actually a trick of the ego- reminding us of the times we did not have such happiness. It was an interesting moment to contemplate that there can be a sense of suffering even in our moments of joy. Life is in the here and now, no?
Thanks for a great post!
Love
K
When grief is so powerful that I'm physically racked with spasms as I deal with the pain of loss, there's not much I can do about it except accept that it sucks, it's real and it will pass. I'm comfortable letting my feelings and emotions run their courses. When I'm ecstatic, I enjoy it very much. When I'm calm and placid, that's wonderful too. When I'm despondent, I accept it. Sometimes, just asking myself questions and working at the root of down feelings helps me get through it better if it also helps me understand exactly what core feelings are effected and why.
Yesterday I read a post by Sara, a first time HuffPo blogger, about expectations. It seems that expectations and acceptance are polar opposites. One prevents the other. Add to that Anne's post about becoming friends with our egos and its' been a good week to be a Living Section student. Somehow I bet Cara will add a new facet tomorrow..
your friend and student,
little brother
“The denial of suffering means that our feelings get repressed, held in, squashed down, which results in us getting cut off from all our other feelings as well, not just the uncomfortable ones.â€
So, protecting myself from frostbite cuts me off from all my feelings? This comes as quite a shock to me. I don’t want my Vital Life Force to suffer, so I guess my fingers will have to suffer instead. I'm giving up the winter gloves! If they amputate my gangrenous fingers I won’t exaggerate or complain. I wouldn’t want to indulge in any wallowing just for the sake of attention.
Living in anger and hopelessness is a terrible terrible thing even when you 1) don't know that you are and worse yet, 2) don't know anything else. It is very hard to rise up UNTIL you decide to get help or plow yourself under.
Suffering completely blinds one to the beauty that is in any given moment. Even when I contemplated throwing myself under a train in Switzerland, the immediate thought that followed was "but suppose I don't die and just end up with no arms or legs, that would be even worse... maybe I'd better think of something else". When I told my doctor about it he cracked up, macabre humour.
The thing I want to share though is that suffering expands your awareness while you're in it and you appreciate everything more when you're out of it like the petal shape of bird droppings for instance. Nope, I kid you not (photography hobby). It's all about perspective.
Thank you
Catherine
The story of the grieving mother has been one of my favorites for years, in fact, for some time before I lost my son. These teaching stories are always jewels, but especially compelling when finding ourselves moving along similar paths.
My love and friendship are with you each, Deb and Ed,
Cara
Love what you say here-
"It all gets down to 'being present with what is, ' doesn't it? This way, all is friend, even if it doesn't look that way at first."
in order to be sane we have to have the courage to be present with what is! all of it!
You are a treasure - and a rare elegant lady- Ed
I love this and how you say it!:
it was this utter hopelessness that showed me where hope lies only and ever, in simply being as is, without preconditions or manipulations. as has been said when you are in paradise, any move you make will take you from it, so stay still
Thanks again 4 being here-
In the dharma- Jygpo - Ed
I read your comments on several blogs every week and it seems that you have already learned the lessons. Have you ever though of blogging? Your own comments to other posts could just about stand alone already.
your fan,
little brother