Mariel Hemingway: 3 Reasons To Heal From A Dysfunctional Family

"My life is about survival," shares actress and HuffPost blogger Mariel Hemingway. "I come from a family of tremendous mental illness - great creativity and passion, but also great addiction, mental problems and physical illness: heart disease, cancer, and diabetes. I knew I had to change if I was going to survive."

We were talking with Mariel about her passion in life and what gives her greatest happiness. But to get there she needed to share where she had come from. So many of us grew up with the words of her grandfather Ernest Hemingway, through his books, such as The Old Man of the Sea. But creativity can also have its downside, as in dysfunctional relationships.

For Mariel, as for many of us, came from what we call spiritual bootcamp - an early life that, by teaching us what love is not, shows us what love can be.

We both come from dysfunctional family backgrounds where neither of us had a father who played much of a caring role in our early lives. Ed's mother died five days after he was born and his father married his mother's sister, but it was a marriage based on convenience and not love. After years of anger Deb's parents divorced when she was six and she was in boarding school by the time she was eight years old. Yet, each of us found a way to turn that experience around -- not to close our hearts but to stay open and loving.

When we grow up in with emotional dysfunction, we have one of three choices:

1. Do nothing. By being resistant and reluctant to change, there is the probability we will carry on the dysfunction into our own life and family.

2. Ignore the situation. This is like an ostrich that puts their head in the sand. We think that by ignoring or denying the dysfunction it will all just go away, but of course it doesn't.

3. Change ourselves. We can never change anyone else, so the only resource we have is to change the patterns of dysfunction within ourselves.

An emotionally dysfunctional family may or may not be physically damaging, but living with anger, neglect, shame, addiction, to name but a few, leaves deep emotional scars. However, like a lotus flower that grows out of the mud and emerges pristine and beautiful, we can use the pain in order to find our healing, which enables us to accept our past as it is and to make friends with ourselves.

Mariel found this path of change through meditation. "I spent a lot of years not being happy, being depressed, through relationships I didn't know how to get right, through all the things life throws at us. I found what works, which is a middle ground. This is what meditation does for me - when I am still then my body, mind and spirit can speak to me. Unless we find stillness we cannot really listen, there is too much outside stimulation, toxicity and interference."

She continued, "I used to meditate rigorously for two hours every day, but now it feels more gentle and fluid. Everyday is a new journey. I believe that this journey is for everyone - it's not mine or the Dalai Lama's journey - we can all find in the silence a voice that guides us. I really believe this is true."

Meditation not only allows us to listen, but also to know ourselves in a deeper way. We find we are not just the result of dysfunction, but are more than that - we are also free to be whoever we choose. In the stillness we can release the pain of the past and become who we really are. In our new book BE THE CHANGE - How Meditation Can Transform You and the World, that will be published Nov 3rd, you can read more about meditation and how it can change both you and the world.

Anytime you feel stress rising, heart closing, mind going into overwhelm, try the following practice for just 5-10 minutes each day:

Find a place to be quiet, settle your body, and then bring your focus to the natural flow of your breath as it enters and leaves. As you do this, you can practice one of the following:
*Repeat: "Soft belly, open heart" with each in- and out-breath
*Repeat: "Breathing in, I calm the body and mind; breathing out, I smile."
*Breathing in, repeat: "I am easeful and peaceful," breathing out, repeat: "I am love."

How has meditation affected you? Do let us know, as we would love to hear from you! You can receive notice of our blogs every Thursday by checking Become a Fan at the top.

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Ed and Deb Shapiro's new book, BE THE CHANGE, How Meditation Can Transform You And The World, forewords by the Dalai Lama and Robert Thurman, with contributors such as Marianne Williamson, astronaut Edgar Mitchell, Byron Katie, Michael Beckwith, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Jane Fonda, Jack Kornfield, Gangaji, Ellen Burstyn, Ed Begley, Dean Ornish, Russell Bishop, and others, will be published November 3rd 2009 by Sterling Ethos.

Deb is the author of the award-winning book YOUR BODY SPEAKS YOUR MIND. Ed and Deb are the authors of over 15 books, and lead meditation retreats and workshops. They are corporate consultants, and the creators of Chillout daily inspirational text messages on Sprint cell phones. See: www.EdandDebShapiro.com

Follow Ed and Deb Shapiro on Twitter: www.twitter.com/edanddebshapiro

Comments

[Kari Henley - Huffpost Blogger]

lovely post.
I also come from a very emotionally dysfunctional family, and relate to this article personally. I agree that changing yourself is the only way to find the blossom out of the mud. I have seen some members of my family who took the risk, and those who did not. The outcomes of their lives spoke for themselves.

Thank you for the gentle reminders and inspiration you always bring each week! I love to check in and see what you have next!
Love
Kari

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi Kari-

It's great to hear from you... Your wisdom and insight are always a treasure

Our blog next week will be a wild one.

Big Love,

Ed

[StephenJK]

My apologies for the lengthy postings......It helps to know that we are all part of a loving energy (which I call God....who remains nameless and faceless) that helps guide us if we accept that energy into our hearts with a strong faith in it's power. Humans have a very difficult time with the concept of God. We see it as him or her or some other embodiment in our own form which has ultimate say in how things go in our own lives. Nothing, to me, could be further from the truth. We have our own free will. However, God is always here with us and if you ask and believe with your heart, God will help guide you. God is the engine to the universe and ultimately makes everything possible through the complex nature which has been blessed upon the Universe. God controls nothing because there is no reason to control anything when everything operates so perfectly. Every blade of grass, every butterfly, every planet, every star is uniquely perfect. It is only ourselves which lack perfection in our mind, body and spirit. However, we can always strive for it, lest it be just out of reach. That is fine. Stay the path of the middle and you'll see more than you can imagine.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Hey StephenJK - it is ok that you have expressed yourself... that is what commenting is about.. when yiou can express yourself it is not bundled in your mind

I have the good fortune of having written many books .. one great thiong about that is I no longer have to keep it locked in my had

As for what you believe whether it be God or Goddess ... each individual has the joy of feeling/believing etc what is real for them and I believe it is all valid

we try to use words to describe the indescribable .. the truth beyond all understanding

Ed

[StephenJK]

Just as a side note....I would not be the person I am today if my family (and myself) was perfect in everyway. When you look at family units, the ones who attempt perfection and the band-aid method to problems (instead of letting problems and mistakes manifest in whatever way they will) you'll usually see ultimate dysfunction manifest in one of the ways you describe in your post, Ed and Deb. I wouldn't trade my life's experiences in for anything. They make me what I am today. Although I may not be where I want to be physically, mentally and spiritually, I am on my way. My own path. It is mine. I share it with many and embrace what will be through the now and here. I prayed many times to God to help me find the middle path and I've been shown the way. Now I must walk it into the next and help others to see that way. I do not meditate, yet. I don't think my mind is ready for that, at this point. I am close to it though.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

you are courageous and appear to be mindful and aware of your needs and where you see yourself

take your time ... Rome wasn't built in a day.

Our experiences are the manure for our wisdom

Our wisdom is in the shadow.. we all want to be happy and we often reject our negative situations and cling to the good ones but there is much to larn from everything

Ed

[StephenJK]

Like one of the commenters said, dysfunction can breed ultimate function. Learning through observation of mistakes (and living through them) is the only way to learn the path of the truth. Pain begets healing and strength. Strength in mind, body and spirit. Look at the true spiritual leaders in our History, Ghandi, Nelson Mandela and even the Dalai Lama himself (among many others!!!!)...All have gone through the rigors of imposed pain and transformed that "abuse" (if that is what we should call it....for lack of a more effective term) into strength and ultimately change for truth and righteousness.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

StephenJK -thanks for your thoughtful comment

If we were perfect we probably wouldn't be here

In the brilliant Albert Brooks film DEFENDING YOUR LIFE the theme of it is we come to earth to learn to overcome our fear ... in the film you go to 'Judgment City' and see your life and how fear holds you back and how you are to go beyond it

when we can take difficulties and turn them around we can grow.

Treasure yourself,

Ed

[Elizabeth311]

Ernest Hemingway's book is called The Old Man AND the Sea

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi Elizabeth311, Appreciate your comment

Thanks for noticing!

Did you read his book?

Perfection is the ability to be aware of your imperfections.

are you a copy editor? Great talent to have.when you write a book you can go through many edits and still not find all the typos and mistakes.

Joyfully,

Ed

[kcnewhaven]

The best thing about surviving a difficult early life is that it can provide the tools to excel. I find my self better able to react and rectify unexpected challenges than my friends with more supportive family units. As long as I am aware of the disapproving echos of my childhood they can only celebrate my metamorphosis.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

kenewhaven - well said and thanks for you comment ... it is helpful I am sure .. this is worth repeating

"The best thing about surviving a difficult early life is that it can provide the tools to excel. I find my self better able to react and rectify unexpected challenges than my friends with more supportive family units. As long as I am aware of the disapproving echos of my childhood they can only celebrate my metamorphosis."

Treasure yourself,

Ed

[superfrog]

It's important to treat everyone with love, respect, and equanimity because both functional and dysfunctional people play an important role in guiding us on our spiritual journey.
A functional person teaches you how to live. A dysfunctional person teaches you how not to live. I know from experience that you can not change other people you have to inspire them to make the necessary changes on their own.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Hey superfrog - great point of view

Your comment is wonderful

The best way to inspire anyone is by you own living example.

Joyfully,

Ed

[Jason Mannino - Huffpost Blogger]

More beautiful service in this offering. Thank you for shining your light!

Light and love!
Jason

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi Jason

Much appreciate your comment

You are a true light of HP living

Your heart is in every blog you write,

Treaure yourself,

Ed

[larry278]

I have a stupid question. How does anyone live without changing themselves? The conditions of life change constantly. It is exceptionally difficult to continue to live without adapting to to changed conditions.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

larry278 .. great question ... the nature of the ego-mind is to keep you fixed and solid. Obviously change happens but many peopel resist change and they suffer.

Look aroun you will see people everywhere living in ways that keep them fixed in old patterns, ... habitual patterns are difficult to break or change

That is why meditation is invaluable as it allows you to see these habits and fixed behavior and you can move through it.

Enjoy the journey,

Ed

[curiousasheck]

When the ego steps out
God steps in
When the ego steps in
God steps out

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi cah .. it is always a treat when you pop up on this page

your wisdom is like a cool breze in a summers night

Swami Satchidananda would say

When the ego is about me it is selfish

when the ego is about other it is selfish ... it is God's work

Joyfully,

Ed

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

BTW this is beautiful

When the ego steps out
God steps in
When the ego steps in
God steps out

[been2there]

How does one define dysfunctional. My husband and children are all affected by ADD-- badly affected. Both children fall under the classification of "severely gifted." Nothing we did was normal, but the end result is two happy and confident adults. I think that the main question is: Does the family prepare the children for adulthood?

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

been2there .... thanks for your comment

Great response

I believe there is loads of love in you and your family

when the basis of all situations is love and understanding and as you said

Nothing we did was normal, but the end result is two happy and confident adults. I think that the main question is: Does the family prepare the children for adulthood?

[AndiG]

Hi Ed & Deb,
In my family there is mental illness, and I can tell you it definitely breeds dysfunctionality!
I am constantly challenged with issues connected to the member of my family who struggles with manic depression.
I am the only one in my family that resonates with meditation, and it has been the saving grace for my own peace of mind.
As we know, we can only change ourselves, and even though I suggest ways to help my brother gain an inner peace, it often goes on deaf ears...so whata ya gonna do??? Well, I just follow my own suggestions and meditate....and it works great!!
Thanks a million for another inspiring blog...keep them coming!!!
I love to get inspired every Thursday!!!

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi AndiG Thank you for sharing you story

It is a challenge as I do know .. Growing up I had a member of my family who they said was retarded.. he was so lovable but the stigma of such labels is appalling ... it causes stress etc

Meditation is a great friend

and yes again .. no one can do it for ya

Blessings,

Ed

[CaveatMagnusFrater]

Hi Ed and Deb,

The voices in my head don't like it when I meditate. It's like they're being given a time out. It's sad what you two and Mariel went through and had to deal with.in early life. I know there are well functioning families out there, I've seen them. I'm afraid however that I have perpetuated the dysfunction with my own children. I believe I worked at parenting hard enough and loved them enough that they suffered much lower level of dysfunctional dynamics. It's amazing how many people who study these living section articles and seek growth come from painful beginnings. I'm grateful that you planted you seeds in your pasts grew your lotus and are sharing it with us.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi CMF - I enjoy hearing from you and your honesty.

Actually if you can make friends with the voices in your head ... see the as words ... as voices.. let them be ..whether they are negative or positive they are just words.. thoughts... voices .. no need to push or pull .. watch them see them for what they are .. it is not who you are.

life is a journey .. all sorts of things happen .. when we have a good attitude and open our hearts to life you cn't fail

Treasure yourself,

Ed

[sonoffestus]

Having grown up with an older Brother who has been living with schizophrenia for 45 years , I have experienced a fair bit of family dysfunction. Actually, its pretty funny how crazy families can be. Things improved for me when I realized the following...........

My Brother did not choose to be ill. No one would choose his life..............My expectations about him were unrealistic and were MY expectations, not his .................I could not change his world or his life............BUT... I could accept him as he was, with love AND without judgement . Once I understood it was MY dysfunction creating the stress, it was much easier for both of us to move forward.

Though both of us will continue to struggle with his disease, I believe that we have both benefited from what I have learned and changed about myself. Though dysfunction can wrought terrible horrors on individuals and families, it can also bring a greater awareness. My Brother has taught me more about pain, compassion, love and acceptance than anyone else I have ever known. The lessons can be painful , but then some things are not meant to be easy. I wish it was different for him and all whom suffer from this disease, but its not. So, I will be there for him , love him and value him just the way he is. In all his craziness, he's still my BIG Brother and my teacher.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi hi sonoffestus -- Always great to see you here! I marked you as a favorite and I'm a fan

Thanks for sharing your heart wrenching story.. Life is not easy.. as my friend and doctor says .."everybody got something!"

This really powerful stuff I hope people read it. You are very courageous.. bless you bless you

Ed

[sonoffestus]

Hi Guys,

Thanks for your thoughtfulness. I just love your Doc's quote. " everybody got something!"
Ain't it the truth. I've never met a normal person yet.

You guys take care...........................more later,

SOF........................ your friend and fan.

Oh, my meditation is walking, and walking and walking. No ipod, just me and the sounds and sights that surround me. Its a beautiful world out there.

[Allison Daily]

Ed and Deb,

I love your honesty. I appreciate your ability to reach so many from your hearts and a place of encouragement. I did exactly as you suggested while I meditated...and then took a nice nap. Beautiful. When I was working on our book, the only way I could know that I was coming from a pure place was to meditate before writing. Thanks for your reminders!
LOL,
Allison Daily
co-author of Out of the Canyon: A True Story of Loss and Love

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi wonderful pure heart Allison.. it is great to hear from you-

Your statement about meditating before writing is spot on

"When I was working on our book, the only way I could know that I was coming from a pure place was to meditate before writing."

co-author of Out of the Canyon: A True Story of Loss and Love

This is a great story and a must read.

Treasure yourself,

Ed