Spiritual Life: Making Friends With Your Illness

Whether it is a sign of the times we live in, or maybe age catching up with some of us, these days there seem to be a lot of people we know who are dealing with illness. Deb often accompanies our dear friend Liz while she has chemo: "I am continually touched and impressed by the fellow cancer patients receiving hours of what Liz calls the 'healing elixir,' by their cheerfulness and friendship to one another."

As illness is such a part of being alive, and as resistance creates tension and denial, it is important that we make friends with whatever our circumstances may be. Acceptance creates room for growth, change and even healing.

As Liz says, "As a cancer patient, I can honestly say that cancer is definitely a drag. However, it has also brought many blessings. Instantly I had to start listening to my world, I discovered a sense of space and newness, and LOVE--so much love. Trungpa Rinpoche, my teacher, said that you just have to lean into whatever is happening. He called the experience of living with illness one taste; that whether you get well or not, all conditions have the same one taste."

Making friends with illnesses is not easy. Diane has MS and there are many times she wishes her legs would work better than they do. But she has also realized that fighting them, stressing out, or wishing they were different achieves nothing, while loving them as they are makes the experience one of continual learning and discovery.

Making friends with our reality is also a way of making friends with ourselves. There will always be times when life in the body gets overwhelming or when we argue with reality, but being a friend means being able to accept what is and move on. "Healing can occur even when curing doesn't," said Bill Moyers in USA Today. "It is an acceptance of the unavoidable, a grace in living that escapes us if we are simply passive in the face of trouble."

There is an important distinction between curing and healing. To cure is to fix a particular part. Western medicine is particularly good at doing this, offering drugs and surgery so that disease, illness or physical problems can be suppressed, eliminated or removed. It plays a vital role in alleviating suffering; it is superb at saving lives and applying both curative and palliative aid. This is invaluable.

However, the World Health Organization defines health as complete physical, mental and social well-being, which implies a more total state of wellness beyond simply being cured of a symptom or illness. It suggests there is a place of inner healing, where we can be completely at peace whether we are physically well or not.

The word remission is used to describe a period of recovery, when an illness or disease diminishes. A patient is described as being in remission when their symptoms abate. Yet the word can also be read as "re-mission", to re-find or become reconnected with our purpose or a deeper meaning in life.

Remission also has another, lesser-known meaning, which is forgiveness. This implies that it can occur through forgiving ourselves by accepting our behavior and releasing any guilt, or through accepting and forgiving another and letting go of blame. The power of such forgiveness is enormous.

How do you deal with illness? Can you make friends with it? Do comment below. You can receive notice of our blogs every Tuesday by checking Become a Fan at the top.

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Comments

[khanti]

05:43 AM on 04/02/2010

I would like to share a story with you. I have a Chinese friend who is a Chinese TM practioner. He was introduced to me by another friend. One day while visiting him for treatment for a persistance cough, I saw his face was full of worry. Then he told be that he was experiencing nose bleed and doctors had found a growth in the nasal cavity after a check up at the hospital. They recommend immediate surgery. He was also fighting a legal battle with his elder brother over ownership of a house left to them by his deceased father.
I explained to him that my father left me nothing when he passed away and I am thankful to him for that. Bringing me up was enough and now through hard work I have my own house. I also told him not to worry or have fear of death as everyone has to go through birth, sickness, old age and death.
It is 15years now since his surgery and there is no recurrence of the problem. He would visit my house every new year bring some wild American ginseng for mother. When my mother told him not to give her such expensive gift. he siad, "I thank you for having a son who having given me so much comfort and a good friend too."

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

09:37 AM on 04/02/2010

Hey khanti- wonderful story

much compassion and wisdom

I too did not receive any financial inheritance from my family

life is a gift and the blessings come as they do- just be open, loving and serve

much metta-

Ed

[Toni Bernhard]

05:25 PM on 03/31/2010

It took me about five years to make friends with my illness -- fatigue so debilitating (following an acute viral infection) that I'm house-bound and often bed-bound. I think it took five years to go through all the stages of grief because I lost so much when I became sick (my career, many of my friends).

But the moment I befriended the illness was the moment I became more than just the illness. It was as if I surfaced from dark waters and saw that there was still a world around me in which I could engage -- just not the way I had been before.

Thanks for the article.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

06:34 PM on 03/31/2010

Thank you Toni, I hope your comment will act as a guiding light for others. As I have said before, illness sucks, but it needn't suck the joy out of us as well.
I am so glad you have surfaced!
Be well,
Deb

[yoyo22]

10:30 AM on 03/31/2010

Dear Deb and Ed. As a cancer survivor myself it has been five years let me please wish your friend Liz a speedy recovery. When going through what I know your friend is going through my attitude was I am going to smile no matter hard things get and my favorite saying was "I am going to kick Ass".
I really believe that my possitive thought helped me kick this dreaded disease.I know with friend's like the two of you giving her support she will be fine. Please tell her to keep a stiff upper lip my thoughts and prayers are with her. Love YoYo ( your adopted Sis)

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

06:28 PM on 03/31/2010

Hi sis - you are a sweetie-

Your attitude is courageous and can only be a help

Liz is a Brit so she knows about stiff upper lip -

she is a winner and we only hope Liz stays as gorgeous as she has.

Hugs- and kisses

Ed

[writerkate]

08:16 AM on 03/31/2010

This is a tough one. It had never occurred to me to "make friends" with pain.

Like Poosh, I need to "befriend" fibromyalgia, although I have a slightly different set of accompanying conditions. (I've yet to meet anyone whose ONLY problem was fibro.) I sometimes say I could stand the pain if I could just have a bit more *energy.* That would indeed help, as I'm trying to restart a career that's been at a dead standstill for eight years. I do get tired of aching. But again, like Poosh, I do find joy in living in this wondrous world. I'd just like to do a bit MORE of it! :)

I'm at least part of the way to acceptance, which I know is essential. This step's going to take more work, though. And while I might have scoffed at the notion when younger, the work of mentally changing my viewpoint, my spiritual course, takes as much energy as physical work.

I hope you will write more on this subject. Maybe a Guide for Beginners? :) :) :)

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

10:28 AM on 03/31/2010

Thank you for your comment, and I commend you in your decision to take this journey. The more you can work with yourself, the easier you will find it, as you will be releasing resistance and fear, which hold back much of our energy.
You may find our books helpful, either Your Body Speaks Your Mind, or Be the Change, as we offer more guidance than we can in a blog. We also have 3 meditation CDs, available from our website.
Joyfully,
Deb

[LifeChangeStartsNow]

11:57 PM on 03/30/2010

Ed and Deb, love this post. Healing really is about forgiveness because I have learned that forgiveness is love - of oneself and the other. A few years ago, after intensive self-searching and a suicidal depression, I spontaneously developed an enlarged growth in my womb at the end of that year.

It was the physical culmination of my progress. Even though the OBGYN immediately said your womb must be removed and the usual blah blah BS, I knew that that was not a solution because if I did not get to know this growth and what it was trying to tell me, the energy would simply manifest elsewhere in my body.

After many months of cleansing and getting to know myself in a different way this time, I discovered the spirit which inhabited this growth and the message it wanted to share. It was actually the unborn child that I had always wished for in my younger days - someone to love and cherish - that I never fulfilled.

After weeks of dialoguing, I was able to admit the truth of my childhood dream for a baby, cry and completely let go without regret and over the following months, the growth gradually shrunk into insignificance.

Our bodies are always speaking to us if we would only listen.

Thanks for this post!

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

01:19 AM on 03/31/2010

LCSN - this is a heartwarming comment - you are a jewel in the heart of the lotus

Thank you for sharing your story

You are my HuffPost Pick!

I lovce whar you say:

"Our bodies are always speaking to us if we would only listen."

Treasure yourself,

Ed

[PatA]

09:39 PM on 03/30/2010

I'm not sure that I can make friends with my chronic pain that is almost 24/7. The only time I don't hurt is while I sleep. I have to take a sleep aid (muscle relaxant) so I can make it through without "break-through pain". So I do get enough sleep.
However, I do have a strategy that works. A dear friend told me year ago to "lean into the pain" and that is what I do. I am a photographer and there have been many spectacular moments when I could have given into the pain but I chose to lean into it. I spent 15 years photographing in rodeo arenas so I could do a book on indian rodeo. The gear is incredibly heavy but I took the weight of it to be part of the pain and leaned into carrying 1/3 of my weight around.
My doctor warned me about arthritis in my neck and it happened but it is nothing that won't respond to a sock full of warm rice.
My pain comes from having a mastectomy 35 years ago. The doctor botched it and damaged nerves and muscles. I've had 11 surgeries on the left side and two on the right.
I feel lucky that I have the strength to lean into the pain ...otherwise I would have ridden off into the sunset years ago.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

11:51 PM on 03/30/2010

Thank you PatA Your experience of leaning into the pain says it so well -- and such leaning is a softening and a releasing of resistance.
Life in the body may not be easy, but I hear your love of life speaking through the words.
Joyfully,
Deb

[khanti]

08:14 PM on 03/30/2010

Hi Ed and Deb, what a useful topic you have chosen. The first step towards reaching out to our inner sanctuary is to remove all fear of death.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

08:47 PM on 03/30/2010

Hi khanti - happy when I see you here - you bring such good energy :-)

absolutely as fear of death is a biggy

but being fearless is realizing the death of the ego

freedom is awakening to emptiness to oneness

Much metta,

Ed

[Dr. Judith Rich]

07:34 PM on 03/30/2010

Hi Ed and Deb,

I have an all too recent experience with this phenomenon. Just one year ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I took another 4 months from diagnosis until my surgery. During that time, I did all the research and due diligence things one would do with such a diagnosis, but the most important thing i did was to "befriend" the cancer.

I took the initials, B.C. (Breast Cancer) and called upon the mythical goddess, Coventina, a Celtic goddess of purification and healing. I named B.C., "Bella Coventina.", beautiful healer. Every day, we dialogued as I walked in the hills above my home. She told me her purpose and how I could heal the wound she'd come to teach me about. It was all about receiving.

I received a great deal from Bella Coventina's teaching and am grateful for the lessons. That is healing!

Thank you for this most thoughtful post. We need to discover ways to let go of our resistance and come into a divine relationship with what is. When we do, miracles happen. That's what I'm blogging about tomorrow.

Love and blessings to you both,
Judith

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

09:42 PM on 03/30/2010

Hi Judith - you are sooo loved

I love what you say here- it is pure wisdom:

We need to discover ways to let go of our resistance and come into a divine relationship with what is. When we do, miracles happen. That's what I'm blogging about tomorrow.

In the spirit,

Ed

[FromAtoPink]

05:14 PM on 03/30/2010

This article brought tears to my eyes. I am 25 years old and was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis at the age of 16. It has been a long, hard 10 years of struggle - with acceptance, with symptoms, with medication, with doctors, with myself. After attending a seminar at the Tai Sophia Acupuncture Institute, I was changed, for many reasons. But one of the things that was said was to make whatever you are resisting your friend. It is SO TRUE that there is no point in resisting - it doesn't change ANYTHING. You have to come to a place of accepting what is and dealing with THAT, because it's your reality. It's certainly not easy or a walk in the park, but making it a positive thing (whatever "it" may be) instead of a negative, is much more empowering than letting it take over.

Thank you for this article. I couldn't have said it better myself.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

09:16 AM on 03/31/2010

Hey AtoPink - thank you for sharing- this in itself is healing

I feel you are dealing with your situation in a loving and caring way

You may want to read Debsw book

YOUR BODY SPEAKS YOUR MIND

it is a great companion

Treasure yourself-

Ed

[bmike]

04:49 PM on 03/30/2010

Its that positive thinking thing that makes your body produce healing components.Good news makes the moment better,can make the day better,and can make your life better.Bad news can make the moment bad,the day bad, if its bad enough it can make the rest of your life bad.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

05:06 PM on 03/30/2010

Hi bmike - yes - it makes sense when you look closely and see how you feel right in this moment

what does a good or positive thought feel like?

and say the opposite and see how that feels

now if you are giving positive messages to your body and mind you are bound to have a much better attitude and that will affect you in so many ways

I chose you as a favorite

Ed

[thentheresmaude]

04:08 PM on 03/30/2010

This is all fine and dandy, but I can't help but wonder about those who take this advice to internalize their illnesses and start saying the words "MY 'fill-disease-in-here'" and let it take up residence in their body as though they own it and its part of them.
I also can't help but be concerned about these new age messages about illnesses being blamed on the person having them as though they created the illness in their body, there seems to be alot of blaming the victim nowadays in spiritual medicine that i find counter-intuitive-pardon the pun, and an obstacle to healing.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

04:49 PM on 03/30/2010

Thank you, we could not agree with you more! This is not about owning the illness as mine,but about releasing resistance so there is a measure of ease.

As a bodymind teacher and author of Your Body Speaks Your Mind, I make it very clear not to use the words guilt, blame or shame, as these simply make a difficult situation much worse. It is far more about accepting and being with what is happening, as fighting it can cause further suffering. Illness sucks, ut it doesn't have to suck the joy out of us.

In appreciation,
Deb

[Dr. Cara Barker]

01:32 PM on 03/30/2010

One of the most important turning points in my life, some 31 years ago, had to do with making friends with a spinal challenge I had at the time. The doctors prescribed surgery. I took a reprieve, and during hospitalization, when 'they' gave me a reprieve from their surgical plan, as I insisted, I used the time of immobility to meditate on the correct function of my spine. Through Grace, there was a remarable turn-around. What I discovered prompted me to take a 6 month sabbatical, so that I could realign my life from what my spine was teaching me. Every day, I 'hung' suspended in traction for 6-8 hours, and many, many experiences of the Stillness that heals came. Making friends with whatever comes is the saving thing..................... an inside job!

Thanks, Ed and Deb! You'll giggle at my own piece tomorrow: "Calling Back Your Spirit: Taking the 21 Day Challenge to Stop the Bullying"
Love and blessings,
Cara

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

01:57 PM on 03/30/2010

Thank you Cara!! You are a clear and true voice of one who knows illness and also knows the beauty within. It is remarkable what can happen when we stop the war within ourselves and instead we listen to the wisdom of the body, for it will always be teaching us something we didn't know we needed to learn!

in love
Deb

[poosh]

01:26 PM on 03/30/2010

I don't know. Loving life is my answer. I "put up" with rheumatoid arthritis, PTSD, major depressive disorder, and fibromyalgia. I work around them and am kind to myself. I don't "make friends" with them because they are destructive and have diminished me profoundly. I've had to give up a delightful career, and I lost a spouse, and am on disability (with the attendant financial strain). I am always in pain and fatigue at one level or another, which may be compared, perhaps, to always having the flu, which casts a pall, if you know what I mean. I've had to learn to receive help from people who are often not good at giving help. But I love life. And I have learned that fundamental meaning is contained in simply "being". And this world is so very alive and moving and rich and amazing. That is how I do it.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

01:53 PM on 03/30/2010

Dear Poosh, I applaud you that despite such difficulties you have found and know the beauty of this life!

Making friends with our illness does not mean we stop trying to be well, or doing any of things that need to be done to work with the illness. But it is a deeper place of surrender so that we are not at war with ourselves or our body, are not fighting our reality.

It sounds like you are not focusing on what you cannot do, but rather on what you can do, which will bring you far greater joy and easefulness.

Joyfully, Deb

[OneVoiceRising]

01:19 PM on 03/30/2010

"Healing can occur even when curing doesn't," said Bill Moyers in USA Today. "It is an acceptance of the unavoidable, a grace in living that escapes us if we are simply passive in the face of trouble."

Thank you, Ed and Deb. I'm so glad I get the alert when you post something new. :)

The above quote is so powerful to me. Grace....so very difficult to truly live, especially when in pain, be it physical, mental, emotional or spiritual pain. Yet when people are able to do as you share here -- shift the perspective and find the blessings in all suffering -- they are grace in action, in my opinion. And I admire that quality so very, very much.

If we can just shift our perspective a tad throughout each day, hopefully we can all deal with dis-ease more gracefully. And aside from finding the blessings within the different challenges, perhaps if we have 10 seconds of being pain free -- if we can focus on those 10 seconds and the feeling of relief, maybe more pain-free moments will manifest.

Thanks again for sharing of yourselves.

Best wishes,

Dena

www.onevoicerising.com

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

01:48 PM on 03/30/2010

Thank you for your comment Dena, and yes, the blessings that are always there if we look with open eyes can make such a difference to dealing with pain. There is much to be learned from life in the body!

It is not so much about having just 10 seconds that are free of pain, but more about releasing the resistance to the pain. If we can surrender and let go of resistance, then the body softens and the pain is usually far less intense.

Deb

[OneVoiceRising]

02:15 PM on 03/30/2010

Yes, yes...release the resistance.

Thank you for driving that point home even more. :)

[Halsey]

01:17 PM on 03/30/2010

First..Ed and Deb...gosh...you two are so lucky...I WANT your marriage...really!..
I think the chemo facility must make a difference. I had 8 cycles, the last four a very nasty Taxil...the most intense bone pain one can imagine)..for triple negative breast cancer...a very aggressive "brand" of this disease..but..back to point.."my" chemo room (at a VERY famous hospital in LA)...was awful...One nurse was a doll.. But the LEAD nurse...almost Rachette...I had a port..she got angry with me for requesting dry ice spray before putting in the chemo needle...then she JABBED it it...ANd the chemo room..messy, dust bunnies..the restroom smelled of urine. Yes..I saw brave women (and a few men) but couldn't "bond". I did finally, during 30 rounds of radiation make a male friend (not remotely "romantic)..and he up and died. I wish I could embrace this thing that attacks young and old..but just feel alone..(my family never left their homes in another state during my journey..maybe that's part of it)..I switched oncolgists for follow up..and man..what a beautiful chemo room..with bagels, etc...what a difference that may have made; "atmosphere"...

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

01:40 PM on 03/30/2010

Halsey, I am so glad you found a better place to have treatment as, yes, the atmosphere can either depress of uplift us. So we have to make the right atmosphere within ourselves, by deeply knowing that all things are constantly changing, and whatever happens we can be at peace.

Be well,
Deb

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

01:44 PM on 03/30/2010

Also, Halsey, do consider joining a cancer survivors or wellness group so that you are not dealing with this on your own. It so important for us to share with others. It enables us to see our own situr=ation in a greater perspective andnot to get bogged down in the details.
Deb