We Can Choose Our Friends But Not Our Relatives!

The holidays are upon us, which often means a gathering together with family. And as much as we may want this, it can also be the cause for friction and difficulty. As the saying goes, we can choose our friends, but not our relatives!

Shortly after we were married we went to India and spent our honeymoon in monasteries and ashrams. We also had a private meeting with the Dalai Lama at his residence in McLeod Ganj, in the foothills of the Himalayas. As Ed recalls: After some thirty minutes of talking with him I was feeling so moved by this gentle and loving man that I didn't want to leave! I was completely in love with this delightful being. He was so ordinary, sitting between us and holding our hands. Finally I said to him, 'I don't want to leave, I just want to stay here with you!' I knew he would understand my sincerity and would say yes, how wonderful, I can see you are ready for teachings. But instead he just smiled and replied, 'If we were together all the time we would quarrel!'

So relax, if the Dalai Lama can quarrel, so can we! Inevitably there are going to be times when it is not easy, when differences collide, when egos clash, when my needs seem more important than yours, or when your needs are not being met. For relationship creates untold problems. Sitting in solitary bliss with our hearts wide open and love pouring out of us towards all beings is relatively easy, but as soon as we come in direct contact with another person everything changes. Our ability to stay open and loving, our selflessness and generosity, all this and more is immediately confronted by someone else's own wants and needs, by their capacity to accept and love us or not.

So relationship is not just an integral part of being alive, it is also the most vital and challenging teacher we can ever have. Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche said, If you can make friends with one person, you can make friends with the world.

Difficulties in relationship show us the many ways our ego-selves try to be right, which can be a cause for either conflict or laughter. Once we were sharing some of our marriage issues with our meditation teacher, and he looked at us quite puzzled. 'Why not just laugh?' he suggested. And he was right. Laughter really is the best medicine. When we see the absurdity of two ego's knocking heads and trying to outwit each other it is very amusing. So often a disagreement is about seeing the same thing in two different ways: one sees a white ceiling, the other sees a flat ceiling, but it's the same ceiling.

Sometimes, it can be healthy to have a good quarrel, if we can then just let it go and come back to loving. There are bound to be times of flow and times of discord but we do not need to hold on to either. Difficulties arise because we cling to our own opinion as being the right one and it is this holding on, with the ensuing shame, blame and hostile silences, that cause so many problems.

In fact, those people we have a difficult time with are really our teachers. For without an adversary--or those who trigger strong reactions such as annoyance and anger--we would not have the stimulus to develop loving kindness and compassion. So, as we head into the holidays, we can actually thank our exasperating relatives for the chance to practice patience. What a gift!

We are not alone here, each one of us--both directly and indirectly--affect each other; everyone and everything is dependent on everything else. As Mother Theresa reminds us: If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten we belong to each other.

OK, so this is a chance to prepare for the holidays by letting go of your concerns. Write a comment and tell us how you plan to cope with family irritations, or transform impending conflict into a good time for all.

***

Ed and Deb Shapiro are authors of over 15 books, and lead meditation retreats and workshops. Deb is the author of the award-winning book Your Body Speaks Your Mind. They are corporate consultants, and the creators of Chillout daily inspirational text messages on Sprint cell phones. See their website: www.EdandDebShapiro.com.

Comments

[GivingIsGetting]

It's good to remember that on some level, we are all suffering through life's loves and losses together.

In the words of Master Wilde:

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."

~Oscar Wilde

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

I like the words of Oscar Wilde when he said,

"If you have a romance with yourself you will have no competition."

I see your "Giving it's the new Getting." T shirts around and yes- they are cool.

Keep giving as it feels so good,

Happy Holiday,

Ed

[AnthonyTaylor]

This year Christmas is going to be different because we are staying in sunny California, far away from my extended family, and I feel overjoyed! I know the members of my family I struggle with are my best teachers, but next week I intend to enjoy the lessons I get from my wife and son, and the simple joy I feel when we are together... I look back at my own childhood and I remember how happy I felt to be with my family, but that special something has been lost. It makes me wonder what I can do to avoid repeating the cycle. I feel sure the answer is love. Not the love that all family members have for each other, but the love that is able to rise above our past grievances. I feel as if I love my wife and son most when I let them be themselves, when I give up wishing they'd do this or that, and instead get the greatest thrill because they don't. I love them no matter what, which - from a great distance - I see I do with all my extended family, in spite of everything. Maybe next year, or the next, I'll be able to experience this beautiful realisation in their company, instead of wondering what time my plane will leave. And if any of them should be reading this post by chance, then know that I love you not because you are my family, but because you are

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

AnthonyTaylor- you are a beautiful man and your family should be proud of you. You have a great philosophy. It's wonderful to be able to express yourslf openly and honestly.

Big Love,

Ed

[larry278]

AZBunny's idea is interesting. Since I was an only child & I had the advantage of having loving foster parents-I never got into the dynamics of dysfunctional gatherings. Since I travelled a lot, I wasn't around where my birth parents or foster parents lived. The ones I attended were a hassle. Since my co-workers wanted to be with far away family, I worked so they could take vacation time over holidays to be with family. I got an idea of how destructive a gathering of ill suited people could be when I married a woman from a large family. My wife & her mother bickered constantly. Holidays with her parents with her parents were hell. Her parents expected each child & their brood to spend Xmas with them. Some of there children had ever spent Xmas at their own home. The hassle of driving or flying with my kids gifts shipped ahead & back after Xmas plus my wife & her mom bickering weren't doing me or my kids any good. My wife allowed as we could spend 2 holidays out of 3 at our home. My kids got to know that they had their own home for all year including Xmas. When I divorced that woman she went back to each Xmas with her parents. I had the kids every other Xmas. My kids are grown. They have Xmas for their kids.
Since I'm retired, handicapped & live far away, I don't see my kids or grandkids. I have

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Larry278- It seems like you have had quite a life. You have faced challenges with you first marriage. Now you appar to be on your own. I was a Swami (or monk) and led a solitary life for some time.

We are all alone or as some say, 'all-one.' The great gift of ourself is a treasure. The happiness we look for in life is within us all. Everything outside of us is transitory. You haven't finished your comment and if there is anything else you would like to say, I am all ears.

May you be happy,

Ed

[Waylon Lewis - Huffpost Blogger]

What if I'm just not that interested in hanging out with some members of my family? I love them, I guess, we just don't have all that much in common. In Buddhism I know there's some teaching on working with those we're attracted to, those we regard as enemies, and those we're indifferent toward. I assume indifference is just a more subtle obstacle? What's your advice? I don't want to miss out on love, since life is so short!

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Waylon great question. It's easy to relate to the people you love but it all starts with loving ourself. (in a none egotistical way) In Buddhism the practice is Metta Bhavana, the development of loving kindness. where you take all people into your heart even those you don't like. It's not like you have to hang with everyone. But quite often the people we have the most difficulty with can teach us the most, as it confronts us with so much--resistance, all the shadow stuff we run from.

Much metta,

Ed

[Lizzypie]

When my eldest brother always says proudly that he and his wife never quarrel, I always think "oh dear, that's not so good"!!
Thanks for this article. It is a timely reminder of the fact that the most irritating people in our lives are our teachers, and aren't our families just WONDERFUL teachers!
So Happy Christmas to everyone, and their families. Such an oppurtunity for learning!!

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Lizzypie--brilliant reminder. It sure is a challenge when you think about it that as the Dalai Lama said to me, "If we were together all the time we would quarrel." It isn't easy to be with people all the time or closely without some friction or irritation. But if we can learn from it aren't we the wiser.

Joy and Peace,

Ed

[Thisok]

Lizzypie,
your comments about your brother and his wife made me smile as a few years ago a teacher remarked that one of his students said that 'everyone liked her and were her friends,' to which he replied, "Oh, that's too bad!"

[Thisok]

Dearest Ed & Deb, thank you again for your very insightful guidance on families and friends. There seems to be a line drawn that delineates between what is a friend and what is a relative when in fact, we are all related so when i was fortunate enough to move to Asia from the US almost 13 years ago i was so blessed to get to know again so many of my "family." The cultural differences can at times be startling and other times so blessed and warm. Here in Asia the eastern traditions recognize more easily the inner-connection between all beings, albeit, there seems to be awareness of the spiritual connection but so often this gets forgotten on the physical level with the raising up of the ego causing conflicts. That being said, it is so necessary that we all recognize our entanglement and live in joy and peace and celebrate life.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Thisok- Thanks for sharing what it is like where you are living in Asia and how people feel and live with a sense of family. I think we here in the western world have much to learn from you. Living in a community where people care about each other, family and friends, is familiar to me as i live in India.

Much happiness and May your New Year be bright,

Ed

[livinlife]

I guess this is why I chose to move to the mountains of Colorado :)

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

livinlife-I will find ya --you betcha, ed

[gabrielmoss]

i am fortunate to have a very loving and supportive extended family. i'm really looking forward to seeing many of them over the holidays. my grandmother, who has been the backbone of my mothers side of the family has cancer and just completed chemotherapy. she is not in a good state and her mortality is painfully apparent. i would like to hear your thoughts on impermanence and loss as these holidays not only remind us who we will be sharing them with, but who will be absent for this time of celebration.

-Gabriel

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

gabrielmoss, honour what you are feeling. There is a story of an enlightened master and his disciple who is very devoted to his teacher. The son of the teacher dies and the master is crying. The disciple says to the master, "you are enlightened, a Buddha, why are you crying?' The master says because my son died. Impermence is part of life. In yoga it is known as Brahma -creation, Vishnu- preservation and Shiva- destruction. We are born, we live and then we pass.

Treasure yourself, Treasure others,

Ed

[soundheals]

As always your words of wisdom resonate deeply within me. Another point regarding the disharmony that sometimes occurs between family members...as all of us ultimately transcend the earth plane, it is no surprise that family members disappear from our lives in this manner--ultimately entering what has been termed "The Great Mystery".. This said, when that occurs, we sometimes long for the seemingly disharmonious experiences we might have had with them. Of course it would be best if we were in harmony with each other all the time, but nevertheless, when your loved ones aren't around at all--even the annoying little things that might have once driven you half crazy become longed for events.

Wishing you and all your readers a Great Solstice!

Jonathan Goldman

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

soundheals--what a lovely truth. I must say when my stepmother died I was very sad. I was 13 years old. Yet when she was alive it was difficult to be with her. I had a fight with her before she passed. I would love to be able to say I love you one more time.

Life is sweet enjoy the journey,

Ed

[Jonahson]

Ed & Dep, I can't restraint from commentating when I see the commentaries here. No offence meant, the head line is an old Chinese proverb. It advices people to chose their friends carefully as they have a choice. Especially apply to young people so as not to fall into bad company.
I sympathize with the people in US, you are much needed there is much work to be done.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Jonahson interesting comment--thank you for explaining the Chinese proverb. People in the US are sincere and are wanting to know and understand more about living a better life. we all are part of this human family. We all can contribute to making this a better world. Love is the healer.

Happy Holiday,

Ed

[ken108]

Jolly good advise, but lets give Mark Twain his due:

"I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him."

[Bwildone]

I come from a family where politics was the religion. When I went to college, I changed parties, and from that point on holiday gatherings included at least one, usually more, screaming political fights. One of the most memorable of these was when my brother, sitting now at the head of the table since the passing of my father, stood up and began pelting me with radishes, for daring to take the side of "welfare mothers." Oh, my.

And I understand very well AZBunny's decision to keep away. I did that for many years after my mother died. But in the past year, my brother and I have called a truce. We made a rule that politics can not be discussed. And by doing that we have been able to take the time to get to know each other for who we truly are. What we've found are the many things that we have in common. We are our only living relatives, so this reunion and the discovery of our many commonalities is a sweet sweet gift. We have great times remembering things that no one else in the world remembers. I am looking forward to spending Christmas at his house near Lake Tahoe this year. But it took a long time and a lot of healing for us to get to this place.
Happy Holidays.
Barbara

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

What a story Bwildone. Thanks for sharing. It is a difficult situation with probably most of us when it comes to discussing politics with family---- and religion. I can say that because I have been told by my brother not to ask him about those 2 subjects. For me it is not easy because you can learn a lot and through discussion understand who they are and why they believe what they do.

You are courageous.

Happy Holiday,

Ed

[AZBunny]

Just because you are related to someone does not mean you have to TOLERATE them.
We don't as much as possible. My husband and I only go around extended family when absolutely necessary and everytime we do I remember WHY. The stress of waiting for the ridicule, pointing out my flaws, etc is just too much to bear.
Holidays are meant to be ENJOYED so why torture yourself putting up with people who have no tolerance or respect for you or your feelings.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

AZBunny -when it comes down to it you have to honour yourself. I can see you feel strongly about your situation.

Your peace of mind is most important. My teacher would say no one should disturb your peace, not your spouse, your children or even your parents.

Have a Happy Holiday,

Ed

[lindseywolf]

This will be my first Christmas away from my family for quite a few years, so I have a bit of the opposite problem, I'm worried less about your typical holiday irritations (which I have experienced!) and more about being homesick for family. I was blessed to see them on a recent trip to the East Coast, but only for a few hours. When I dropped them off at the train walking away felt like such pain, but I made a conscious decision to flip that to gratitude. How nice that I am far away physically but emotionally very still close!

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

lindseywolf, Honour your feelings. It is ok to feel even sad, as you are away from your family and are homesick. Whatever you feel do it 100% and I believe it will turn into joy. beneath it all is a good
person and that is you. being in a new town etc. is challenging at first but as we get use to it we discover so much richness. We may even learn that it is not right for us and we split. When I moved to England it was wonderful and then after a week I panicked and wondered what did I do? Then it came together and I began to love it and after 11 years I knew I needed to leave.

Life is a mystery that is constantly unfolding,
Treasure yourself,
Ed

[sonoffestus]

Zero expections do help. Realizing it will be only for a few hours, helps even more.

My wife and I find that "PU" works the best. PATIENCE & UNDERSTANDING. As we walk out the door on the way to visit family , we remind ourselves of our "PU" policy. We look at each other and simply state, "PU". It always brings smiles to our faces and braces us for whatever may come.

It works especially well for the elderly. Five minuites ago my Mother-in-Law called. She is 88. Her apartment is too cold, "do we have an extra wool blanket?" I'll be right over. I can put work on hold for a while.............PU!

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

sonoffestus--you seem to have a great sense of humour. Good for you. as I always say, ' if you don't have a sense of humour it's just not funny.'

Whatever gets you through the night. If you can keep your heart open though all your PU's then you can't miss.

Cheers and a Happy Holiday,
Ed

[sonoffestus]

Happy Holidays to you as well. As for my sense of humour, you might want to ask my wife. No, we try to laugh everyday. It must be working, we're going on 27 years and no one has been declared victor................Yet! (my wife says)

Peace to All !