04/10/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Everything I need to know about life I learned from Super Bowl commercials.

Surrendering every vessel of manhood is easy when one has a new Dodge Charger to fall back on. Though I'll bet that not a single guy reading this will promise something to the extreme of putting the seat down. Every time.

Dogs are a lot smarter than humans; especially human chew toys that like to torture them into barking for a snack. The commercial message gets better next year when the dogs carry neuter rings instead of anti-bark collars.

Beavers have much more talent than just being able to change the course of might rivers. They are some of the most musically talented creatures on the planet. However, images of them in a mobile hot tub with a scorching hot blond are just plain wrong. Albeit legal in several California counties.

Never taunt your football-playing buddy that he catches like Betty White. Now only will he slap you back with a serious taunt about your girlfriend, but you will then magically transform into Abe Vigoda and forced to continue living off the residuals from "Barney Miller" reruns.

There is nothing more critical to being a real man than the wearing of pants. However, marching alongside fellow males in a field of wheat where everyone is not wearing pants could lead to some interesting cocktail conversation. And may signal a secret desire to purchase the entire Barbra Streisand box set.

Russell Crowe remains the baddest dude on the planet. He can stab you in the heart with a spear, stick an arrow in your neck from 300 yards out, beat the daylights out of a suspect, and even make it seem as if Meg Ryan can act.

Chickens can scream. Loudly. And in doing so they sound eerily like the audience at a Lady GaGa concert.

Guys who chose to keep a set of tires over a woman who still wears leather even after they are married deserve to spend the rest of their lives alone and lonely. Or star in commercials where their spine has been ripped out mercilessly by their partner.

The Simpsons have not only jumped the shark, but they jumped it, harpooned it, turned it into filets, covered the pieces with cheap breading, and started handing out scraps for bird cage fodder. When they want us start feeling sorry for Mr. Burns, time to close the Quick-E-Mart permanently.

Stevie Wonder knows a hot car when he sees it.

Every sexy woman willing to rip her clothes off on a moment's notice will do so only for Danica Patrick.

Suckers are still not just born every minute, but can be manipulated to perfection. All you have to do is hint at doing something guaranteed to put knickers in a twist, and the pre-event hype will get the job one for you. People will whine about the event itself being anti-climatic, but that's only because they feel foolish about being hooked so easily.

Witness the relatively tame Tim Tebow spot that left plenty of critics reacting, "That was it?"

Those screaming chickens will be good for about four years of nightmares and thinking twice the next time I hear the words "Order up for 20 wings!"

Ed Berliner's complete article with more Super Bowl commercial lessons for life, along with links to each spot, can be read by clicking here. Ed Berliner is represented by Entourage Management.