A Grammy Award Finally Speaks Out Against Musicians

02/18/2011 02:17 pm ET | Updated Jul 08, 2011

Let me say this: I do not appreciate all of this musician crap.

Look, I know that a lot of you don't consider me to be a legitimate industry award, but the Grammys are about music, not legitimate art, OK? If you're some sort of high-brow elitist who only listens to Cezanne, then maybe you should be watching the Nickelodeon Latino Bambino Awards or something!

Justin Bieber, let me say that you were totally robbed of Best New Artist. I want you to know that I totally helped my friend, Computer Keyboard, deface Esperanza Spalding's Wikipedia page ("...was born a hundred years ago in 1950 as a volleyball." That was my idea! LAWL!)

Some people wanted you to win Best New Artist because they think it would've been a guarantee that you would never be heard again. But those are also the same people who were looking forward to seeing YouTube clips of you gnawing maniacally on your cursed golden gramophone with bloody gums, next to a pile of self-extracted teeth, at the foot of a statue of Magic Johnson.

And that's just sick...You have such beautiful teeth.

So, then this band, with, like, forty-nine people in it called Arcade Fire gets Album of the Year? First of all, not one person in that band was make-outable with. And secondly, I have only one thing to say about them winning:

Um, yeah. Right

Oh, and apparently, Arcade Fire never got the memo, but grunge couldn't be more over, OK?

I have to give a shout out to my favorite Target spokeswoman, Rosie O'Donnell for twittering: "album of the year ? ummm never heard of them ever"

Rosie, thank you for having the strength to show us that you know, even as a grown-up, that a band's sweetness is totally based on whether or not you've heard of them. I mean, when was the last time you were listening to something and thought, "I've never heard this before, this is really good!" Never. Because it doesn't work like that, music is only good if you've already heard it, everyone knows that.

Plus, I'm really glad that you apparently still listen to a lot of Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, and Eminem. It's good to know that their music still resonates with you as you approach 50 years old.

And thank you as well to Tawny Kitaen, who twittered this:

"O, I'm not THAT old but whos Arcade Fire? & worse, who the HELL thinks their good? Did I just lose all my followers? Cuz they sucked, sorry."

I had never heard of this woman, but she is proof that my grandma should be capable of twittering, too! So, my dad explained to me that Tanny Kitty used to make him pop boners (grroz!) in some Whitesnake music video back in the 70s. It was amazing to see someone with real musical taste speak out against Arcade Fire and their totally unnecessarily substantial explorations of musical virtuosity... or something like that.

So, look, before this year's ceremony, the only regret I had was that The Fat Boys didn't win a Grammy for the soundtrack to Disorderlies. (Wait, or did they? Can someone Google that, please?) But now, I'm pissed. Can we please just go back to how the internet agrees things are supposed to be? The Grammys are about music people like Evanescence, Sheena Easton, Lionel Richie, and Taylor Swift. That's the history, OK? So that's how it should always be, they teach us that in school.