06/28/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Alabama Candidate Cuts Costs by Sacrificing Billions in Federal Funding

Alabama's Republican gubernatorial candidate, Tim James, has courageously declared that if he is elected, he will give the state driver's license exam in English only as a cost-cutting measure. In his campaign commercial, James shows that he is a leader willing to make these tough choices and I applaud him for it. After all, not every politician is willing to sacrifice billions in federal transportation funding for his own racist ideals.

According to Marc Ambinder of The Atlantic, if such an unselfishly bigoted policy were enacted, the United States would no longer have to bear the financial burden of subsidizing roads that lead out of the state of Alabama; and if you're literate enough to read this, chances are you think that's a great idea.

James shows his strength as a leader by boldly defining certain truths about his state, such as its name and a language that some people speak there. "This is Alabama," he declares, "We speak English."

So, so, true. One cannot debate the veracity of his statement "This is Alabama, we speak English"... Unless, of course, where you are right now isn't Alabama, which means that you're an illegal homosexual.

James fights against the unfair equality of DMV tests by stating "Maybe it's the businessman in me, but we'll save money." (Lost money=Saved money... so selfless.) He then closes his ad to his fellow Alabamans with "And it makes sense... Does it to you?"

Yes, Tim James, it makes sense to see privileged white men boldly taking a stance against the blitzkrieg of brown laborers unjustly seeking transportation to places of employment and iniquitous dens of bilingual leisure. It makes sense to sacrifice billions of dollars in federal transportation funding for the state of Alabama.

It makes sense because Alabama doesn't need roads to be maintained, fixed, or even paved; because we all know that in Alabama, all the roads are paved with English.

And if that doesn't make sense to you, you can go back to Georgia where they speak your language.

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