02/22/2011 05:18 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Iowa GOP Members Think That -- Actually, No They Don't

Republican caucus voters from Iowa were recently given the opportunity to respond to Bill O'Reilly's recent interview with President Obama. Frank Luntz of Fox News mediated a forum that offered these GOP members the perfect chance to show the world that they are open-minded, informed voters who use logic and analysis to make their political decisions. Of course, they failed miserably.

Below is an examination of some of these GOP voter responses. I would've included a complete look at every response, but I didn't want The Huffington Post's head to explode. The following comments were in response to Obama's remarks on the current crisis in Egypt. If you don't feel fully apprised of the situation, don't worry too much about context; most of these responses don't have anything to do with Egypt. Or facts.

The full and complete GOP member remarks are in bold, my responses are not. Brace your brain.

MAN #1: I don't think he [Obama] has a grasp on how serious this [crisis in Egypt] can be. He doesn't seem to know what the details are, and what we want and what we need as a country.

Really, MAN #1? Do you really think that the President of the United States is looking at a citizen-led revolution in the Middle East is and thinking, "I should really be working out my abs more"? And as long as you think you're qualified to speaking to what our country needs, let me respond to that: This country needs is a cable news network that can locate Egypt on a world map. Let's start small by admitting that your news source can't actually be classified as either news or a source, and then we can move up from there. Baby steps to the adult thoughts.

MAN #2: He talks about making them [Egypt] into a republic, all he talks about is democracy; he doesn't know what a republic is. (Man #2 then stares into space, expectantly.)

MAN #2's statement here makes about as much sense as taking out student loans to attend the Michele Bachmann School of American History and Tator Tots.

Dear Grandma. STOP
President talks about democracy is bad. STOP
They have installed republics at my work to reduce energy costs. STOP
I've stopped tasting staples. Are you proud of me? STOP

WOMAN #1: I believe that Barack Obama's religious beliefs do govern his foreign policy.
LUNTZ: And what are his religious beliefs?
WOMAN #1: I believe that he is a Muslim.

WOMAN #1, it is your right as an American to believe anything that you want. However, when you obstinately believe in abject falsehoods, and have no evidence to support your outrageously myopic claim, I have the right to believe that your life-long dream is to marry pudding.

MAN #4: His religious belief is liberalism, and, y'know, that's the most intolerant religion of all, there's no - no, room for wiggle... in that... (MAN #4, shocked that he finished his one thought, concludes by mumbling into his shirt collar.)

MAN #4, Let's see how Merriam-Webster defines the word 'liberalism':

1 : a movement in modern Protestantism emphasizing intellectual liberty and the spiritual and ethical content of Christianity
2: a theory in economics emphasizing individual freedom from restraint and usually based on free competition, the self-regulating market, and the gold standard
3: a political philosophy based on belief in progress, the essential goodness of the human race, and the autonomy of the individual and standing for the protection of political and civil liberties; specifically : such a philosophy that considers government as a crucial instrument for amelioration of social inequities

You know what, MAN #4? If you have a problem with any of these concepts, then you are an assclown; and a very scary, unpatriotic assclown at that.

Take note America, there are GOP voters out there who have problems with liberalism, or at least they think they do. I have a feeling that MAN #4's biggest problem with liberalism is that it has the same number of syllables as 'Hamburger Helper' and he believes that to be unfair.

WOMAN #2: I do think it's quite possible he's a Muslim even though he says he's Christian.

I believe that it is quite possible that you hide in your bathroom licking bowling balls so you can sleep at night. We both have the same amount of evidence to support these beliefs.

WOMAN #3: He gives textbook answers.

Thanks for the textbook criticism.

MAN #6: I think he believes that America is at fault for the world's problems, he doesn't see the good that America has done in the world.

I can't even imagine broaching the subject of global politics with MAN #6, someone so blinded by conservative punditry that he probably refers to an erection as a 'Boehner.'
MAN #6, it is people who are only capable of parroting the impotent rhetoric of a political party who are largely responsible for America's problems. So come back when you're done flushing our national IQ down the toilet and maybe then we can talk about the bigger picture.

Take a good look, readers, because these are your fellow Americans. These are people who choose to believe whatever they want to believe rather than use logic to evaluate a situation. This reality leaves a dilemma for those of us who still value the art of critical thinking: these fellow brainwashed voters are real, and we cannot take them lightly.

But how in the hell can we be expected to take them seriously?