THE BLOG

Dear Employees, Don't Vote for Obama... I Mean It

10/31/2012 01:15 pm ET | Updated Dec 31, 2012
  • Edward Murray McSweeney's, Huffington Post, NYT Bestseller 'The 4-Hour Workweek'

Dear Employees,

In light of the upcoming election, I would like to take this opportunity as your employer to inform you, my beloved workers, what will happen if you vote for Barack Obama:

You will die.

Of course, as your employer, I can't tell you who to vote for, but as your employer, I can tell you that I will kill you if Barack Obama wins.

I'm not saying exactly how I shall bring about your demise. Some of you will catch the terminal virus that I've been developing since Jesse Jackson declared his candidacy in 1988. Some of you will barely catch a glimpse of the rear hooves of my prize racing horse, Quick Loiner, as they smash through your frontal lobe. And some of you will simply waste away because of the change in our company's health insurance plan from Aetna to gumption.

I am sending this email out because I care deeply about your future. I feel like a father to many of you. I have impregnated many employees here... both female and male. See, not everyone realizes the sacrifices I had to make in order to become CEO of Gonad Holdings, Inc. I built this company with my own two hands with nothing more than hard work, sacrifice, and gonads. This company is my life, see? You, anonymous worker, get to come in, work for a few hours and then go home and eat organic grapes while you luxuriate in a tub of amniotic fluid that I paid for! Meanwhile, I have to spend every waking moment of every single day thinking about the future of this company, the future of this company's stock, and how to take care of every piece of evidence linking me to your murder.

Now does that sound fair to you?

See, what you may not know about me is that I have no way of dealing with even the smallest decrease in profits other than taking the lives of my employees. So make it easy on yourself. If you like the fact that the top 1 percent is taking more of the nation's income than we have since 1929, and if you like the fact that wage growth has largely remained stagnant since the 1970s, and if you like breathing air, then please, I urge you...

Do not vote for Barack Obama.

Sincerely,
Your Employer & Hopefully Non-Murderer

By the way, I was being massaged by three underage Fillipino boys while I dictated this email. That's three more people who just don't have to die on Election Day.