10/22/2010 01:42 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Other Things That Glenn Beck Has Never Seen

Glenn Beck recently said that Darwin's theory of evolution is "ridiculous." He backed-up his statement with the evidentiary claim, "I haven't seen a half-monkey, half-person yet."

Let's pretend that Beck has actually read On the Origin of Species and that he still doesn't understand that evolution of a species can often take thousands, hundreds of thousands, or millions of years. Or to put it in simpler terms: Glenn, it takes a little longer for evolution to occur than it takes for an inanely-poorly crafted thought to travel from your synaptically-arrested cerebrum to your food-face hole.

Just for the record, which is more ridiculous:

  • An invisible, supremely magical, humanized entity created a man and a woman in a beautiful garden that no one has ever found, and dropped dinosaur fossils in order to enact the most audacious hoax on the billions of people who, since the dawn of time, have never read or had access to the literal translation of the Old Testament in some sort of test-of-faith Punk'd hoax?
  • A bunch of crazy stuff happened, and humans happened to come out of the mix.

I personally happen to think that the notion of some sort of supreme creation and evolution can co-exist very easily... but don't tell that to people like Beck because, after all; he doesn't really believe anything he says. Beck is just a power-addicted parasite of the citizenry whose goal is to stimulate the most primitive parts of our lizard brains with his aggressively short-sighted, fear-mongering generalities. I would surmise that he does this in order to inject some vitality into a heart that is already dead, but I can't speak for him; Glenn works in mysterious ways.

Just look at Beck's statement, "If I get to the other side and God's like, 'You know what, you were a monkey once,' I'll be shocked, but I'll be like, 'Whatever.'"

He'll " like, 'Whatever.'"

So in Beck's world of close-minded absolutes, it's okay to listen to him and take him seriously. Why? Obviously because he has carefully constructed a worldview based on believing only in things that he has physically seen, and if he is ever proven wrong, he has prepared the clear-headed, airtight argument of "Whatever." (Also on the list of things Beck has never physically seen: photosynthesis, pancreatic cancer, 19th century American actor Edwin Booth, and God.)

If I get to the other side and God says "You know what, Glenn Beck was right," I have to say that I would be very shocked. And then I'd have to kill myself again.

Beck's unquestionable logic also forged his biting indictment to the scientific community, "Did evolution just stop?"

Apparently it did Glenn, you are absolute proof of that.