Santa has had a long and much-publicized battle with his weight. TMZ and the Enquirer recently published photos of him on holiday with his wife. Unfortunately, due to his habit of going nude at every opportunity, this is the only photo El Guapo could show you:
[photo removed due to explicit nature]
In this photo, Santa was just off to the right wearing only mistletoe and making sexually-explicit candy cane puns to shocked beach-goers.
The tabloids have relentlessly attacked the jolly holiday icon, and sources close to him indicate that his jolly-persona hid his private anguish. Mr. Claus became Coca-Cola's holiday spokesperson years ago and it seems both he and the polar bears who shared the role quickly became insulin dependent.
Every Christmas, children are encouraged to leave the man some holiday fuel in the way of assorted cookies and other decadent treats. This tradition apparently caught up to St. Nick as this Christmas the millions of cookies resulted in his quietly slipping into a diabetic coma. Rodrigo Rodriguez, 7, found Santa keeled over under his Christmas tree. Reports indicate Santa was still trying to drag himself toward the plate of Oreos that had fallen to the floor.
Christmas 2012 is still up in the air, but a North Pole spokesperson confessed that the upcoming apocalypse predicted by the Mayans had already put a damper on next year's plans.
Your handsome and humble servant-
[photo by Nina Matthews Photography]
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