iOS app Android app More

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors
El Guapo

GET UPDATES FROM El Guapo
 

Stop Whining, Baby: The Golden Age of the Child Is Over

Posted: 05/09/2012 11:31 am

That's right, it's over. Those chubby-fingered, sticky-faced little charlatans have reigned for far too long, and, like Gaddafi, their golden age is behind them.

Need Proof? Read on.

There was once a dark time when everywhere you turned, folks were clutching at their hair and shouting "Think of the children!" Whether this was about vaccinations, health care, education, or whether some parent was upset over the fact that I was wafting the smoke from my crack pipe toward their pride and joy, it seemed endless. In any event, children seemed to be quite the valuable commodity. We were encouraged not to step on them. Schools hired crossing guards. Everything was child-proofed, to the dismay of the elderly. We even got rid of dodge ball in schools.

Unbelievably, there were even yellow signs indicating that pint-sized royalty was, in fact, on board.

Considering the fact that they are not income earners, El Guapo has always wondered why the little, drooling germ factories were so important.

But look around. Children have fallen -- hard -- and no one cares to kiss the boo boo.

Across the country, restaurants are banning children. Increasingly, other establishment are offering kid-free shopping hours.

Alabama, in an effort to target undocumented immigrants, has gone after undocumented students with no qualms whatsoever -- causing an expected exodus from the state's schools as families run and hide, children be damned.

Those informative yellow signs that were once found on cars everywhere to clearly alert fellow drivers to go ahead and smash headlong into another, non-baby-carrying vehicle have gone the way of the suction-cup Garfields. Our newfound hatred for children and lasagna-loving cats is undeniable.

"Nearly 15 million children in the United States -- 21% of all children -- live in families with incomes below the federal poverty level -- $22,050 a year for a family of four."

The gloves are off children. Fend for your damn selves you little wretches. Oh, yes, you should score higher on that standardized test. No one cares you can't concentrate because your stomach is growling loudly.

So, with every school now a militant "nut-free zone," El Guapo has slathered neighborhood squirrels with peanut butter and trained them to attack anyone under four feet tall.

It's open season on children. Don't be left behind.

Your handsome and humble servant--

El Guapo

NOTE: This piece is satirical.

El Guapo writes The Daily Refried, and is, without question, the foremost authority on all things sinvergüenza. Follow him on Facebook or Twitter @TheDailyRefried

 

Follow El Guapo on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Thedailyrefried

FOLLOW COMEDY