MODERATOR
This question is for you Mr. President. From Samantha Jenkins. Go ahead please.

SAMANTHA JENKINS
How do I put on mascara?

MR. PRESIDENT
Thank you for that great question, Miss Jenkins. Is it Miss or Mrs.? Miss? All right. Thank you Miss Jenkins. Look,...

The American Humane Association" (AHA) monitors the safety of animals on film sets the way Tim Geithner manages Wall St.

America has really upped its love affair with animals in recent decades. We finally realize they...

The day after International Womens Day (and what a mess cleaning up after the parade), a fun run of words between friends.

Elayne Boosler: Well La-De-fund Da. Banned Parenthood.

Debbie Harris Donushi: Planned Parenthoodlums.

Mary Higgins Squires: It's morning sickness again in America.

Debbie Harris Donushi: Ovuleight is enough.

Elayne...

"Many years ago, in July, I went on a one-week vacation to NY, leaving my sweet little spaniel Dolly with a highly recommended house sitter. I told her to stay at home with my dog specifically on the 4th, as Dolly was hysterically afraid of fireworks. Instead, the sitter went...

For regular folks, New Year's Eve is a joyful, liberating holiday during which revelers can relax and be merry. For working comedians, it's a freewheeling barfight with silly hats.

By ELAYNE BOOSLER

Good news! Research shows suicide...

In the same month that Congress declared pizza a vegetable, President Barack Obama signed into law a bill allowing horses to be killed in America for human consumption (Spending Bill H2112). I think we just found out what happened to the unicorns.

Horse racing is waning in...

I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money; my informed choice, my...

I've been sitting at my computer continuously for the last two years. When I finally stood up, I was fat and broke. Had to get something out of it. Here's my new release. Hope you enjoy. And forward. I'm hoping for viral but I'll settle for measles.

...

Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help. There is a deluge of heated rhetoric regarding the Arizona shooting tragedy. Emotions are high. Yet seeing how people make their cases can give one valuable insight as to who...

I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.

I am thankful that every person in...

George Lee "Sparky" Anderson, who died Thursday at age 76, was one of the best managers, and finest gentlemen, in baseball. He was third on the list of baseball's all-time winningest managers, with 2194 while managing the Cincinnati Reds and the Detroit Tigers. Combined, he led them to 5 Pennants...

Here's the great Non-Sequitur cartoon most of you didn't see in your newspapers this past Sunday.

I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment,...

Since I spend so much time in the world of animal rescue, running Tails of Joy, my days are filled with people rescuing animals. Yet if truth be told, it is usually the animals doing the rescuing, figuratively, and sometimes, literally.

This is a video made by...

Good-bye birds, fish, mammals, wildlife, habitat, and metaphor.

Phrases' new meanings:

"Hey, you're a shrimp!"
Then: You're short.
Now: You're dead.

"The world is your oyster."
Then: Everything is possible.
Now: You're screwed.
Example: Charles Manson...

Last night, Lillian Hellman, Anais Nin, Dorothy Parker, and a few other friends and I went to see Sex and the City 2. We truly couldn't get over it.

Sadly, Emily Dickenson couldn't make it; she had to stay home to wash her hair.

Jane Goodall, "Those camels were...

Elayne Boosler- Former eBay CEO Meg Whitman has spent $64 million for the California Governor's seat 6 months before the election. Psst Meg, wait 'til five minutes before the election, THEN start bidding like crazy!

Donna Mackey Tobias- I bet she wishes there was a "Buy...

"Hi Mom and Dad. Wow, it's freezing out there!"

"What are you, starting already?"

"With what?"

"You think snow means the planet isn't warming?"

"No Dad, I just need a tissue. And maybe some hot tea."

"No tea in this house! Those lunatics have blackened the name of tea...

On Thursday, the Extreme Court declared money is speech and corporations are people. That makes me, like most logo-challenged Americans, a person of very few words since the recession. While most citizens can put in only their 2 cents come election time, I'll take a penny for my thoughts.

After Every Scandal There Come the Welcoming Arms of Showbiz. Here are some new movies, shows, and remakes for Tiger Woods to Consider.

Elayne Boosler's new movie: "The Blisterhood of the Unraveling Pants". His mistress' new group movie, "The Dis-terhood of the Cavilling Rants".

Joel West's new buddy...

LOVE IT!! She and the NRA insist guns be sold, though they're murderous, even when the president is visiting. But they're fine with tomato disarmament for a book signing. Tomatoes don't kill people, smart readers kill people. Well you can pull my ripe juicy produce out of my cold dead...