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Non - Binding Convolutions

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I don't get the idea of the non-binding resolution. Why waste weeks fighting over something that has no teeth while people are dying? (Anna Nicole's baby notwithstanding.) A non- binding resolution is a dog and pony show designed to show us, the constituents, that congress "really, really likes us", but not enough to put some muscle into the old roaring contest in the center ring, get your popcorn here. Professional wrestling has more integrity, at least every year the villains get a chance to be the good guys. How would history have been different if all "resolutions" had been non-binding?

THE TEN SUGGESTIONS

Come on..try. Okay, just pick three, maybe the no killing one and a couple others, see how that goes before jumping in. We're just sayin.

WORLD WAR I - ARMISTICE WISH LIST
NOVEMBER 10TH-ISH, 1918

Dude-heims, it would be great for us, the Allied Powers, if the armistice lasts about thirty days, give or take, whatever's good for you, Germany. No rush, but if you could clear out of France, Belgium, Alsace-Lorraine, Mayence, Coblence, (don't want to seem like we're micro-managing here, sorry) Cologne, left bank of the Rhine, East Africa, you know, use your judgment, basically wherever you've cleared, held, destroyed. And if you could just leave behind the cannons, machine guns, trench mortars, planes, trucks, locomotives, factories, railroads, prisoners of war (is this too much right now? Eeesh, sorry! We had to throw in that prisoners pork to get the countries missing their soldiers to come along..) U-Boats, fleet, "allegedly" stolen property and gold, well, you get the idea, that would just be super, thanks! Let us know if this works for you. And don't beat yourself up if you can't get it all done, you know how hard you are on people, yourselves worst of all!

PRESENTATION OF INDEPENDENCE- JUNE, 1776

Dear Kingy,

Enjoyed the meeting, thanks for your time, and loved your suggestions that we go in a whole different direction than that independence idea we pitched. What can we do, our partner Jefferson is attached to it, so we're going to give it one pass, and then if you still don't think it fits the schedule, we'll move on. Thanks. So, it's just a rough draft, needs tweaking, we know. Basically, individual liberty, self-evident truths (all men are created pretty much equal for the most part, objectively speaking), in the course of human events, that inalienable rights thing that seems to be hot right now: Life (hey, no biggie), Liberty (just a thought), and the Pursuit of Happiness (good luck with that, right!), yadda yadda, blah blah blah. We're not married to it, feel free to comment.

THE U.S. COMPOSITION

Preamble: We the People of the United States (not trying to leave anyone out here, just need some parameters for clarity, feel free to jump on if it speaks to you), in order to form a more perfect Union (hey, no one's expecting miracles here, just do your best), circumstantiate justice without stepping on any toes, encourage but not force domestic tranquility, circle the wagons if and when (but don't read into it), send out the good vibes, and hold on to what we got, in this life and in the next (no offense to you atheists out there), do conjecture and propound this Composition for the United States of America, weather permitting.

THE LOUISIANA RENTAL

As my Indian comedian friend Charlie Hill pointed out to me, the Louisiana Purchase was where America bought Indian land - from France! (And France had just bought it from Spain.) Confusing? Yes, especially to the Indians. But if it had been only a lease with option to buy, (and that's tax deductible for business) the Indians might have been able to send in a repo man.

CIVIL RIGHTS "ACT" - 1964
(It's just an act, don't freak out)

Okay, so, in light of the slavery thing, the trading of humans and breaking up and selling of their families, the segregation thing, the "White's Only" this and "White's Only" that, the lynchings, the beatings, the high powered hoses, the attack dogs, (and hey, no one's pointing any fingers here), the inequality of justice and opportunity, in court, in public accommodations, in voting, in public facilities, in the workplace, in federal programs, in education, in finance, in employment opportunity, in life, for blacks, (stay with me, almost done), we the Congress of the United States of America, sent here by the people of the United States, to do the people's business, make their needs and wants known to all and carry their message to the President of the United States, and to the world, without delay, do here today formally mandate, without hesitation nor wavering, that everyone should try to be nicer to black people. That's all we can ask.

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