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Elayne Boosler Headshot

Mr. Ed, It's What's for Dinner

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In the same month that Congress declared pizza a vegetable, President Barack Obama signed into law a bill allowing horses to be killed in America for human consumption (Spending Bill H2112). I think we just found out what happened to the unicorns.

Horse racing is waning in popularity. Maybe the $40 billion a year industry can sell the losers to one of the many horse rending plants already being planned in several states. Big plus, the horses are already filled with steroids and antibiotics, just the way America likes its meat. Welcome to the Kentucky Derby Winner's Circle and Loser's Barbecue. Hope you like your fast food fast.

Let the factory farming of horses begin. Oh wait, too late, it's been going on since 1942. Got Premarin? Wyeth (Pfizer) makes Premarin from the urine of pregnant mares, for hormone replacement therapy (there are safer and more humane choices for hormone replacement therapy) for menopausal women. Pfizer/Wyeth's contracts with ranchers throughout America and Canada has caused seven decades of the slaughter of perpetually pregnant, used up mares, and newborn foals (a "by-product"), believed to be in the millions.

The Congressfucks who insisted human horse consumption and slaughter be in the budget bill represent lots of Premarin ranchers. Now they can have their horses and eat them too. The horses are inhumanely "farmed" in conditions that rival chickens' battery cages and calfs' veal crates. I don't doubt for one minute that "Foal Veal", the "other, other white meat" will be pushed as the new fur to the same crowd. Gotta love how our food always comes back to some connection with Big Pharma. When a Senator says she just wants to "prevent the needless suffering of the too many hungry horses roaming our lands", you'd better be wearing your Irony Hat. The way I see it, Congress just can't be in charge of food.

Using Famous Horses to Describe What Just Happened

Bold Ruler Barack Obama got the budget Albatross off his neck last night by signing his John Henry with a Flicka his pen. Even though he Affirmed during his Spectacular Bid for the win that he wouldn't support the Barbaro practice of allowing human horse meat consumption, this Trojan Horse rode in on the budget bill, and his campaign promise flew away like Pegasus. This Assault on horses makes the president My Little Phony, or Alydar, Alydar, pants on fire. Animal rescuers are in a Fury and consider him no Black Beauty. They say "Adios, Mr. President, you have just committed Funny Cide". He took a Genuine Risk but ends up with no Cigar. Wish we could give him a Citation. Soon every horse will be a Horse With No Name. In other broken campaign promises, Mr. Obama has proven himself a Man o' War with his finger on the Trigger, keeping his War Admiral and his Secretariat of State always in a Phar Lap in a foreign land. By selling out America's horses, Mr. President, you missed the Bullseye. Adios, Achilles.

Congress' Recommended New Menus for America

Grazing Menu:

Mane Courses. (Kosher, blessed by a canter.)

Belmont Steaks.

Saddle of beef (House Brand).

Filly Mignon.

Western Omelet.

English Omelet.

Shanks and Beans.

Seattle Slew Stew.

Fruitti de Mare.

Standing Rump Roast stuffed with Oats, Hay, Carrots, Apples, and Sugar Cubes.

Muzzles & clams in white wine.

Quarterhorse Pounder.

Pinto "beans" with Ranch dressing.

Pastern Fazool.

Clydesdale au Gratin with Horseradish.

Chilean Land Fish.

Furlong Hot Dogs.

Green salad with stallions and bacon bit, choice of Dressage.

Clip Clop Special (Bucket o' Hooves and a Bill Withers CD.)

Welsh Pony (nothing to do with rabbit).

Butter on Thorough Bread, Whole Rein Bread, or Seabiscuits.

Sidesaddles: Foal slaw. Whipped potatoes. Blanket Potatoes. Corn Pony.

Desserts:

Clopcakes.

Peach Farrier.

Chestnuts.

National Velvet Cake.

Candied Ginger, while supplies last.

Neopolitans.

Beverages:

MusTang.

Colt 45.

Irish Draft horse.

Martini, shaken, not stirruped.

House Equine, red or white.

A Pinto Beer.

Milk with Bronco Chocolate Syrup.

Java Pony.

Thank you. Bone Appetit.

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