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Elayne Boosler

Elayne Boosler

Posted: January 14, 2007 05:33 PM

Strippers, Al Gore, and Other Things That Don't Belong in School


This week in Federal Way schools, after a parent complained about Al Gore's film, "An Inconvenient Truth", the School Board placed a moratorium on showing the film (and aint that the "federal way"?). The parent is a father of seven who also said he believes the Earth is 14,000 years old, supports the teaching of creationism and opposes sex education.


"Condoms Don't Belong In School, And Neither Does Al Gore"...


Well let me just say that I would have to agree with that! Condoms should be taken out of school and used for safe sex. And Al Gore is waayy too old to be in school, silly! What's he doing in school anyway when he should be in the White House! (Oh yes, the Supreme Court, most of whom are also 14,000 years old!) Hey, here are some other things that don't belong in school!


Puppies
Monkeys
Inconvenience (apparently!)
Scientific "theories"
Law of Gravity "sneaking suspicions"
Theory of Relativity "hunches"
"The Devils" Sudoku
The fable of the "Pleistocene Age"
"Neanderthal" ghost stories
Evolutionary "feelings"
Big Bang "rumors"
Elves
Twelve year old textbooks (9 billion a month to Iraq!)
Whoopie cushions
Jello with pineapple
Swiss steak
Lumpy mashed potatoes
Food for thought
Asbestos (tax cuts!)
Elephants
Unicorns
Babies come from a toilet seat
Leaky pipes (corporate welfare!)
Saying the Indians "started it"
Saying the buffalo "retired to Florida"
Soda machines
Strippers
Insurance salesmen
Unqualified teachers
Parents who think the earth is three weeks old
Your grandpa
Teaching only the standardized tests (no child left behind! Rapture not withstanding)
Steroids
Lobster Newburgh
Literal interpretation of the bible without theme music


The parent continued his complaint against Gore's film, "The Bible says that in the end times everything will burn up, but that perspective isn't in the DVD".


True again! (Unless it's in the Extras??) Because Al Gore doesn't belong in school (who would want an ex vice president of the United States of America teaching our children?) school board members adopted a policy that says teachers who have shown "An Inconvenient Truth" must now present "an opposing view".


And so it is for all movies shown in that school:


MOVIE: An Inconvenient Truth
OPPOSING VIEW: It's not hot in here, it's just you.


MOVIE: E.T. The Extra Terrestrial
OPPOSING VIEW: Illegal immigrants aren't cute. They never learn English.


MOVIE: March of the Penguins
OPPOSING VIEW: They're not marching, they're waddling. They didn't "lay" the eggs; they got them from a toilet seat.


MOVIE: Gone With The Wind
OPPOSING VIEW: Everything was going great until black people started making trouble for Clark Gable. At this time, the earth was ten years old.


MOVIE: The Passion of the Christ
OPPOSING VIEW: What opposing view?


MOVIE: Road to Rio
OPPOSING VIEW: Bob Hope and Bing Crosby could have taken a bus, a train, or a different route and would have had a lot less trouble along the way. Anyway, they're going to hell.


MOVIE: Citizen Kane
OPPOSING VIEW: Liberal media gets what it deserves. Rosebud is his sled, and goes to hell.


MOVIE: Inherit the Wind
OPPOSING VIEW: Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!