On Thursday, the Extreme Court declared money is speech and corporations are people. That makes me, like most logo-challenged Americans, a person of very few words since the recession. While most citizens can put in only their 2 cents come election time, I'll take a penny for my thoughts.
I believe the next presidential election will be between Ms. Sarah CitibankExxonMobilBankofAmericaWallStJournal Palin and Mr. Barack GMFordStarbuck'sSnappleGoogleHBO Obama. As usual, Ralph SubwayBob'sBailBondsCoffeeBeanandTeaLeafJiffyLube Nader will run as a spoiler. Their presidential racing suits will make Nascar look black tie, and the bumper stickers will be three feet long. The commercials will only be interrupted by three minutes of debate every half hour, hosted by the incomparable Mr. GoDaddy. I would like to offer myself, or "Your Name Here" as I am now known, in any capacity I can to serve my IRS.
In the meantime, can anyone fix me up with that cute Wal-Mart dude, or his friend ConocoPhilips? They're so dreamy, I'd like to bring them home to meet my Limited Partnership. My breakup with AT&T is final and I'm done with Skype as the rebound guy. I don't care what you've heard about me, I did not have a three-way with Citigroup, big bragging liars, and I only slept with General Motors to support the troops. I'm a ten. So call me Time Warner, I want to take you to my friend's hostile takeover this weekend while his LLCs are out of town.
Tips For Welcoming Our New Citizens Into Society:
Remember, they are people, not corporations. Don't ask them how their quarter is looking, ask them how their day is going.
Forget the "whisper number," remember to whisper sweet nothings.
We're not "stockholders," we're family.
They're not mergers, they're marriages, even though gay corporations still can't.
They're not takeovers, they're adoptions, even though gay corporations still can't.
They're not conventions, they're family gatherings. You wouldn't bring a hooker to a family gathering, would you?
From now on all company reports will be once a year, in the Christmas letter.
Tips For Replacing Speech With Money:
Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, a couple of Susan B. Anthony's, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, a Sacajawea or two, and an Abe Lincoln to cover Scalia in full.
"A piece of my mind" = About a dollar.
"You can't put a price on health" = Shut up. It's a hundred grand.
Hot Chick = Triple A Bond.
Loser = Negative return.
Marriage = Amortization.
Love = Undeclared interest
Singing = Literally throwing money out the window.
Poetry = High P/E ratio
It's not an apology, it's throwing good money after bad.
It's not equivocating, it's two dimes for a nickel.
How the Court will now start each session:
I pledge obeisance to the swag
Of the United Colors of Benneton
To Banana Republic on marked-down stands
Live Nation, Underwire
Unreturnable,
With Treasury, and just a free for all.
Follow Elayne Boosler on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Elayne Boosler
They can't rule for me, as that would effectively cancel all outstanding debt. So they have to find for you, which conflicts with this recent ruling.
Clever?
Enforce truth in media.
or Let your corporate logo freak flag fly !
To all of the conservatives who visit this site.
Go look at FoxNews.com. There is no mention of this disastrous Supreme Court ruling in there news coverage. Not one word on the “Home” page, the “US” or “Politics” sections. The day following what might be the most damaging Court ruling in a hundred years and not even a mention. There is one comment in the editorial section (how does Fox News decide what is an editorial subject and what is “news”?). How is that for “fair and balanced”. That doesn’t happen by accident or oversight! Fox doesn’t want their followers thinking about this too much. This decision works out just fine for “Fox and Friends”.
http://www.foxnews.com/politics/courts/index.html
Fox news does mention this
http://www.foxnews.com/politics/courts/index.html
Corporations were not intended by the founders to be the equal of people. They are created by people, and licensed by states to serve the greater good (profits, jobs, etcetera).
But there is a flip side -- hopefully can we now charge Corporations for murder?
You made my weekend Elayne! LOL Thanks so much for the laughter . . . It's how I get through life in general! :-) :-) :-) :-)
DV8
(DV8ByDesign on Twitter and a few million other places :-) :-) :-)
I would suggest however he needs to look further afield to address all the malfeasance that contributed to the crisis we're in.
Consider the following: Proprietary trading on its own was a minimal contributor to this meltdown.
A long time ago, banks learned how to hide prop trading in either their Treasury Departments or by allocating capital to the various client trading desks in order to build up their own positions.
Yet even that phenemenon was not by itself a major factor in this situation.
A great deal more risk was put on in the client facing areas outside the trading realm, particularly in fixed income, where the CDOs and CLOs were generated in the first place.
The only person on the Obama team who truly understands how all these pieces fit together is Volcker and I doubt if anyone in the administration wants to start unpeeling this kind of onion.
The more practical approach is to raise the Tier 1 ratios to a point that no one can afford to misbehave.
The banks will scream bloody murder that this approach will cripple their ability to lend effectively.
What they actually mean is that it will hurt their profitability.
The lending should actually improve and the diminished profitability is no one's fault other than their own.
Maybe it's time for working stiffs to claim 13 or more exemptions on their W-4's to slow the money going to DC to a trickle. Since money is power, maybe it's time for us to exert ours. Just my 2¢
We are a commerce driven country.....I mean, the closest we get to 'free' is 1/2 price markdown after holiday super sale right?
I'm thinking maybe we all start our own corporate bank and then ask for TARP money.
Or we could acquire a few wind generators and start our own corporate power company. Nah that's too much work.
Let's just create a nice Wall Street Corporation that trades meaningless pieces of paper and then make donations to socialists!!
I was so disgusted when I read this... so there goes our dreams of healthcare when Big Pharma can go plant their $$ seeds and "pharm" for the perfect politician to place in office.
There goes environmental standards when the Coal Industry can hand those blackened sooty checks to the coffers of the Republican party to get their way and influence votes.
So whose side do you think Whole Foods will start sending $$$ to? My guess whoever lowers standards of Organic produce laws, so they can get it even cheaper, but keep prices the same on the shelves.