Sometimes I am jealous of divorced women. Oh, not for the reason you might think; not because they've had at least one husband and I've had none. I feel jealous of divorced women because they have more social capital than I do. They exist on a higher rung on society's status ladder than I do because I am an eternally single woman with no kids -- a spinster. By choice. There. I said it, I own it and life is good. I've built a pretty nice life for myself but people still look askance at me and my fellow spinsters from time to time. They don't get it; they want to know what's wrong with us, wondering why we aren't married. People understand divorce and even single motherhood. Spinsterhood is puzzling, for some reason.
And, honestly, I'm puzzled about why they're puzzled. According to the Pew Institute, almost 30 percent of U.S. adults have never been married -- a record high. That's a lot of people, so being forever single should seem more... well, normal, but I guess our culture is not quite there yet.
Some years ago when I was younger, I worked with a woman -- Faye -- who was a spinster, although that wasn't how she referred to herself. She seemed to have quite an interesting life, with lots of romances and the jewelry to prove it. I wouldn't have done it quite the way she did because she was always an important man's mistress and that's not my thing. But I admired Faye's joie de vivre. She seemed unabashed in her single status and her lifestyle seemed to work for her.
Or at least I thought it did. One day, while I was listening to one of her many stories, she gave me a bit of advice that I found startling. She said, "Just find someone and marry him." She told me that it didn't really matter if I loved him or even stayed with him very long. Her reasoning? Divorced women are viewed more favorably than women who've never been married. In her immortal words, "It's better to be a has-been than a never-was!"
This sentiment seemed absurd to me then but I also knew that many people agreed with it. Now that it's 2012, I remember that story with a smile and as a sign of times past.
So imagine my surprise when I attended a dinner party not too long ago with some friends and colleagues I hadn't seen in awhile. A number of them were shocked -- shocked! -- that I still (their word) wasn't married. In fact, my un-wifed "plight" was the topic of conversation for what I considered to be much too long. "Why?" they wanted to know. "What's wrong?"
The kicker was that this conversation was led by a woman who was going through her third divorce. How does one fail at marriage three times by the age 45? It seemed that I was the only one who thought that was odd. All present congratulated her for knowing how to get a man... even if she couldn't keep one. And collectively, they couldn't accept that I had chosen to be happily single.
And then I remembered Faye's "has-been vs. never-was" line and it all made sense. It was 25 years later but this sentiment, apparently, still rings true.
Even now, in our very modern society, a wife is held in high esteem, a divorcee gets credit for trying and people just feel sorry for the always-single woman who's never gotten a man to say "I do."
A divorced relative once asked me to be sure to include her ex-husband's name in her obituary when the time comes. Although she's been divorced longer than she was married, she doesn't want to die without everyone knowing that she had once been someone's wife -- that she was desired -- that she is normal enough to know how to follow societal expectations. She believed that an attempt at marriage is much more acceptable than saying "the heck with it", like I did.
A male friend of mine only dates divorced women. According to him, "A 40-year-old woman who has never been married is scary." And I've seen the flash of "oh no" in the eyes of guys I'm flirting with when they learn I've never been married, not even once. Every now and then, just for fun, I'll say I'm a two-time divorcée. The response is almost always friendlier than when I tell the truth.
I've a few "opportunities" to get married, but I chose not to do so. I know myself; I wouldn't have been good at it. I love having a boyfriend and I also love it when he goes home. Life, the way I've chosen to live it, has been good to me. But, still, there are all those other folks who just don't buy it. "Happily single" sounds like an oxymoron to them.
So that's why I sometimes have divorce envy. I want to stop explaining myself, I want to stop reassuring people that "I'm fine... really". I want to be accepted as normal, just like my divorced sisters. Is that too much to ask?
Follow Eleanore S. Wells on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Spinsterlicious
She should know that just as she wants to be single, others want to find a partner. Even if that marriage lasts for 10 years, at least they had a family for that amount of time--hopefully longer. Men who are of a monogamous, relationship/family oriented mindset will be turned off at the concept of dating a woman with no interest in creating a family unit. It doesn't mean they're judging her objectively...it just means they're not interested in her romantically.
Overall, it sounds like the author put the stigma on her own single hood. I'm a family oriented guy, but have never bemoaned being single. I think its a great time to be yourself.
For example, you said, "She's chosen to be single and as such shouldn't be embarrassed by her choice nor accept the social stigma against single women."
She's not embarrassed, from what I've seen, but society (or her circle of friends) is trying to make her feel that way, or trying to make her feel bad about her choice - which is what she is responding to.
Comments like this: "she shouldn't be embarrassed by her choice nor accept the social stigma against single women" is easier said than done, since a lot of people (and our entertainment industry) treat never married, older women (and men) like losers or strange/ dysfunctional people. It's something that's thrown in their faces all the time.
Maybe our culture needs to stop with the judgments about singleness, rather than you telling the victims of this stereotyping they need to change.
I thought it was odd that she was envious of divorcees who have their own cultural stigma attached. I suppose I've never encountered the type of status hierarchy that she expresses. Maybe because I'm a man, maybe because I'm not yet middle age. I don't know.
I understand that she feels her friends are attempting to make her feel that way...but I've never encountered anyone who tries to condemn somebody like that. Again it may be my gender or age.
I felt like she was reacting to the impression of persecution--when the originating incidents were probably harmless questions about her dating status. When couples ask single people about who they're dating...its merely a bi-product of coupledom. They share lives together and are interested if their friend is sharing their life with somebody else.
Anyone who would tell someone to marry a person even though they did not love them, or even like them or thinks it is better to married multiple times as opposed to never being married is mentally challenged.
This system has been broken for some time and our government knows it.
We aren't concerned about the event we care about after the event. I assume that most women think about the event then the family. After the event(s) then thats when you find out what women you have.
I was also flirted with a lot in my twenties and early thirties.
It's not that I was not desired by men but that I did not find any of those men that showed an interest good matches for me.
My wife was nothing what she is today when I first meet her (she wore flip flops and had basically zerro style and she had no job).
I made a dession to be with her because she was honest and trust worthy and she had the core principals that I looked for. She since stepped her fashion up, found a great carer, and is turning into a great mom.
It was tuff in the begining but i put the work in and believed in her. Sometime there a prince/princess inside but we have to see beyond the don;ts and see the basic principals of marriage.
I think some women use this as an excuse, I'm happy all by myself.
I'd bet there where a lot of lonely nights that you wish there was someone to laugh with, cry with.
I could be wrong and not having someone to love means there was a cat or dog.
We are made to love and love has to go some where.
I wonder how may article and books that you've read about how to find a man and how to get married etc.
I think of my own happy 56 years with June until she was taken away by Alzheimer's...by coincidence, I just added this essay to her website in her honor and memory...
While you may disagree, I look at our meeting as a Divine appointment...
http://junebergalzheimers.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=225&Itemid=506
I always said that she made my life an adventure...
Enjoy the good memories of your wife.